Special "All Frank" Issue
AP - Las Vegas - a recent study performed by U.N.L.V Professor Ivankinoff, it was found that in the age demographic of children ages 2 months-4 years old, they prefer to smoke the brand "Finius Q. Bottomwiggle's Magical Fantastical Halucinatory Feel Good Smokes" compared to what was leading the pack last year; Marlboro Lights.
"Every box has a golden ciggarette in it that we can use to battle the evil 'hippie tobaco patches' that try to take over Plantation Mountain!" Said 3 year old Susie Fitzpatrick. She is referring to the weekday animated program "Finius Q. Bottomwiggle's Half Hour Funtime of Spazmatic Kookery!" In the animated show, Finus and his friends Tobe, Nick, Sir Can, and the Smoke Kids do battle against evil "hippies, parents, school, and government hearings," trying along the way to teach children the value of picking up the habbit of smoking early and to "fight the injustices brought on by the little guy."
"When I grow up I want to be a smoker and get lung cancer!" Little 2 and a half year old Sammy Sonpa exclaimed."I've been smoking 4 packs a day since I was a month an a half. I eat a pound of bacon a day, have red meat for dinner, and drink a six pack before I go to sleep. And I'm thwee now, so all those people that say smoking will kill you early...I'm living proof that that's a lie!" Said Johnny Mojengi, after clearing his throat of what appeared to be several mouthfuls of yellow, green, and brown phlegm.When asked for a comment, Finius Q. Bottomwiggle said "It's a magical world we live in today! Kids need tobacco and yellow teeth as much today as their parents did 13 years ago when they were their children's ages! This whimsical road to adulthhood is laced with everyday problems such as peer pressure and stress to perform well in school. What better way, I ask you, than to relieve stress than to smoke a delicious flavorful pack of my cigarettes? And coming soon is a new menthol flavor!"
Optimus
Prime Goes on Rampage in East Harlem
NY- Early yesterday morning a truck thought to be carrying a supply of
wicker chairs suddenly transformed itself into the Autobot Optimus Prime.
Prime then proceeeded to destroy several buildings and cars in his way
and stepped on and killed 32 people. Optimus Prime, who was long thought
of as one of the good transforming robots surprised the crowded NY street
by first declaring that his days off hauling for "the man" were
over and that he was tired of the fact that he had gotten no respect from
his co-workers in the past few years.
"I-ah don't-ah know-ah why-ah he make-ah the fighting! He-ah yelled
and den-ah he crush-ah my pizza resteraunt-ah!" Said one victim,
Mr. Tony Antonelli. "I don't-ah know-ah what I'm-ah gonna do-ah!"
"Shit, that nigga keepin it real! He come in here and bust this shit
wide open!" Said Lester Wilkins, a former writer to Smartass Entertainment!
"After you mutha fuckas fired my ass, I been livin down here in a
one room apartment! An know I don't have that no more cause that trasformin
robot blew the shit up!"Once more is known as to why Autobot Optimus
Prime went on this rampage, we will let you know about it.
By John Cage
exclusive to Smartass Entertainment
For the thirteenth consecutive
year since he created the role of 'Screech", actor Dustin Diamond
has once again been over looked by the motion picture academy. This again
comes a shock to fans of the loveable nerd, who were equally astonished
when Diamond was overlooked for his work in the TV movie "Saved by
the Bell: Hawaiian Style".
"I probably wasn't nominated because I wasn't in any movies",
Diamond said before hiding in a garbage pail on the set of his hit series
"Saved by the Bell: The New Class". Sadly Diamond was not able
to elaborate on this more since "Saved by the Bell" went out
of production last June and he was forcibly taken out of the studio lot.
Without editorializing this reporter is saddened with this turn of events.
It is a dark time for us all when a man known for oddly colored pants
and a squeaky voice cannot get nominated for Best Actor despite his not
having been in any films in over ten years.
