Forgive me if I sound a little Dave Barry-esque, but I did not make up what I am about to share with you.
A few months ago, I was in the smoke room reading a paper, desperately trying to escape the utter monotony that is my job, when I came across this article. It proclaimed in big, black, bold letter: “New Test Shows That Too Much Sodium Can Lead To High Blood Pressure”. I was never so certain in my entire life, that I had gone absolutely mad.
I frantically groped for the top of the page and it was indeed December 2000. I was baffled. I was sure I must have either been having a nightmare or gone back in time for such a groundbreaking discovery, but neither was true. The fact was scientists spent a good amount of time and not to mention grant money, studying something that has been proven for decades. The title might as well have read: “Super-New Study Shows Smoking Still Cause Cancer”, or even: “Fantastic, Of Extremely Great Importance, Super-Duper, Extra-New Study Conclusively Proves once and for all that Drinking is the cause of Urination… We’ve finally gotten enough proof to tell you without a doubt, after millennia of careful observation that a single glass of water will eventually make you pee. It is not a ‘Totally Spontaneous Thing as once believed!’…”
This absolutely blew my mind! “What….deeaaaar Gooood……” and other mindless drivel poured from my mouth. I tried desperately to form complete sentences, to fully express the thought of how much the news must have declined to print something of that level of insignificance. I had several Shirley Temples at lunch to ease me back into my daily rigamarole and soon the blight of that experience was pushed into the deepest chasm of forgotten memories, never to be heard from again…. Until of course…. It met it’s superior. But was that likely? Hardly, I think. How could anything be worse than what I have just described?
Well, this afternoon, I regrettably found out. I was sitting in the smoke room much like that bleak day in December, except it wasn’t December, not quite as bleak, and I wasn’t whistling “I gotta be me!” while carefully adjusting the pantyhose I wear under my slacks. I finished reading the comics and was looking for something else to pass the time when I came across the headline “Pager’s Spread Germs”. I read the article and the farther I got into it, the more I felt sanity slipping away once more. It stated that the American Journal of Infection Control found conclusive evidence that Doctor’s pagers can actually transmit bacteria. Apparently the reason behind this is because Doctor’s often don’t wash their hands in between rounds.
Once again, I tried to collect myself as I blindly feeling along the walls for an exit, my mind still clouded by a thick fog of stupidity. Later that night I went to the library and found a microfiche (say that one a few more times just for fun… Miccc-Rooooo-Ficheeeeeee) containing the article quoted. Below I have compiled a list of several other items one must be wary of in a hospital:

1) Door knobs
2) Light switches
3) Toilet handles
4) The hazardous waste dump bins (as tempting as they may be…)
5) Clipboards
6) Etc….