Today, Dwight Shilling was named the “Most Spontaneous Man of the Year” by the Committee With Nothing Better to Do. Mr. Shilling will officially hold the coveted title, “Mr. Spontaneous”, for the next year.
“He’s terrific,” says Harry Sloman, Dwight’s closest friend, “You never quite know what he’s going to do. One minute he’ll be reciting Shakespeare, the next, he’ll be completely naked prodding your butt-hole with a searing fire poker.”
“I remember this one time we went camping,” recounts Gary Plowman, “We were sitting on the bank of the river fishing and discussing Tennyson’s epic “Idylles of the King” when the next thing I know he’s completely naked and setting me on fire. I eventually put myself out and Dwight, God Bless him, was hacking off my feet. Thanks to Dwight, I have third degree burns covering 60% of my body, I’m footless and no longer have any feeling in my lower extremities, but I’m a better man because of it.”
“He gets it from his father,” states Dolorous Shilling while cleaning the toilet. “I don’t have a spontaneous bone in my body! I personally think he’s insane! Can you hand me that rag? No, no, the dirty one….”
“Yep, that’s my boy!” Proclaims Henry Shilling, Dwight’s slightly spontaneous father and renowned lunatic. “Tell you, sometimes, I’ll go into the kitchen, you know, for a sandwich and just as I finish making it, I’ll throw it out and have soup! I’m an animal baby!!!”
“Dwight Shilling is a pervert.” Offers Mrs. Drennan, Dwight’s fifth grade teacher. “He always used to rifle around, you know, down there, while I was teaching. He used to poke, touch, stab, shove and pummel the other children. He usually did it in the nude. Then he’d return to his work as though nothing happened. Spontaneous…. No. A strange, demented, sick, perverted freak…. Most definitely.”
Elizabeth Day, Dwight’s ex-girlfriend comments, “He always had a way about him. A real charmer you know. I was sitting alone in a bar, sad, staring at the bottom of my fifth beer, when this man… this wonderful man comes up to me and says ‘there’s a party in my pants and your invited.’ How could I resist? He eventually ran me over with my own car while reciting the prologue to the Canterbury Tales… in the nude. Come to think of it he was a real #@$%&^*#.”
“Dwight Shilling is most definitely not insane,” retorts Dr. Samuel Granger. “A pervert, that’s arguable. I like to think of Dwight as a free spirit. His spontaneity blooms from this spirit. I really have no idea where his strange preoccupation with literature comes from, but it’s one of his mysteries. Most people are jealous of Dwight and have good reason to be. You see, when we grow up, we develop our own little patterns and rigamaroles. We like to eat the same time everyday, go to school, work, watch the same shows every day, etc. Dwight, on the other hand, just does whatever he feels like doing at any given moment. The fact that he likes to physical harm and to do so in the nude probably stemmed far back to our hypnosis sessions when he was about ten. Further advancement in his naked activity was probably brought on by our private stimulation sessions…. Wait a minute. Can I retract that last remark?”
Dwight was unavailable for comment, or rather, spontaneously became nudely unavailable after dismembering two cameramen and decapitating the interviewer, while reciting the predictions of Isaac Bickerstaff.