Over the last few year’s, Oscar Wilde has once again become popular among today’s society. He has had two new Broadway plays written about him (The Three Trials of Oscar Wilde, and Judas Kiss) as well as a movie entitled Wilde.
Why has Wilde made such resurgence back into the modern eye? Some would say he never really left to begin with, while other’s would say “Oscar who?” and go back to playing their 365 Days Of Word Search books, or reading their copies of the new Oprah book of the Month Selection. Undoubtedly, he is most remembered for his charming way of presenting his art and most certainly for his enormous amount of wit.
“Yes, Wilde was spectacularly witty”, stated James McCaan pretentiously after sipping his Starbucks Coffee. “Why I think he might have been the wittiest person of all time…. I have no further comments to relate, now if you’ll kindly excuse yourself, because it would be very embarrassing for me to be seen with a person of your trivial stature.”
Wilde himself offers: “I’m very witty. Wit, wit, wit, witty, witty, wit… That’s all I do. I’m a virtual overflowing bucket of gooey, slobbering wit! I firmly agree with Mr. McCaan’s statement that I’m the wittiest man of all time. In fact, I dare say I’m wittier that God!”
It was at this statement that the masses professed blasphemy. An angry mob formed to lynch Wilde, but he swiftly armed himself with a plethora of witticisms to fend off his would be assailants. After spouting some clever verse, the angry mob turned into a slightly perturbed mob, then a not really hostile at all mob, then a right good lot of happy people simply listening to “Wittier than God Wilde”.
“Wilde? Wittier than Me? HA!!! Surely you jest!” Stated the Lord, somewhat put off by Wilde’s disrespect and trying very hard to control his wrath. “Why, I’m a lot wittier than Wilde… Twice… no THREE times as witty! Who does he think he is?!” Beads of Godly sweat were forming on the Divine One’s brow, as he nervously began: “Why… I’ll tell you anther thing… He stole all of his lines from me! What’s that thing he said? ‘The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about’ ( © Oscar Wilde, a long time ago and not, in fact, God) Why… I remember once I said “ The only thing worse than creation was that you… No, the only thing I hate more than genital warts is… Ah, here we are…. It was ‘The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about’…. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILDE SAID THAT!!” The world shivered as he spoke. “I JUST TOLD YOU HE STOLE THINGS FROM ME! I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE TO YOU GROVELLING, SNOT-NOSED LITTLE SHIT! THERE WAS A LOT OF REALLY GOOD BITS IN THE BIBLE BEFORE I GAVE IT TO THAT LOOPY, FUCKING EDITOR! HE CUT OUT EVERYTHING REALLY WORTH PRINTING, CITING IT AS BEING FAR TOO FANTASTIC FOR BELIEF. I TOLD HIM, ‘YEAH, BUT I’M GOD’. HE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME THAT IT WAS PRETTY FAR FETCHED FOR EVEN ME, SO EVENTUALLY I CUT IT OUT. I WAS SO DESPERATE TO BE PUBLISHED…. BESIDES” A wicked grin crept across his lips and his countenance contorted into a look of sheer madness. “Can Wilde do this?” The sky began to moan as a gaping aperture was torn across its length. A cyclopean tornado suddenly ravaged its way up the east cast of the US.

Wilde’s statement and our Lord’s vengeful destruction were on the tips of everyone’s tongues, whispered in the darkest corners of the deepest catacombs, and many couldn’t help but be reminded of the time John Lennon said the Beatles were bigger than Jesus.
“See, they got me on a technicality there” Jesus began as he flipped his way through the newest issue of the New Yorker. “I’m only 5’2 ½”, but believe me, that was quite an impressive height back then…. Besides… can the Beatles do this?” Our savior asked proceeding to walk across a pool of water.
“They’re both just a bunch of show boaters,” Lennon offers, “neither one of them can handle it when a ‘mere’ mortal’ is better than them at something, so they have to resort these ethereal tricks. We were bigger than Jesus and Wilde is wittier than God, but that’s no reason to throw a childlike tantrum and destroy the Eastern seaboard.
“Er… Ha ha… don’t pay any attention to anything Lennon says”, interrupted God. “I do not have a problem with humanity exceeding even me.” This exchange followed:

Lennon: Do too.
God: Do not….
Lennon: Do TOO!
God: Do not! DO NOT!
Lennon…
God…
Lennon… (Under his breath) do too…
God: I DO NOT… Shut up or I’ll…
Lennon: What… I’m already dead… what are you gonna do huh? Come on… what… what… what are you gonna do BIG MAN?
God: I’ll think of something!
Lennon: no you won’t….
God: OH YES I WILL!

This line of childlike exchange went on for several hours until Lennon finally grew bored and shouted, “What the hell is that?” God gingerly turned his head and when he came to the realization nothing was there, he turned back around very slowly and was consequently sucker punched by Lennon.
Here is what some other famous wits had to say about Wilde:

“I think he was a horrible, arrogant, nasty, disgusting person, but certainly much wittier than Noel Coward.” (Dorothy Parker)
“I don’t know if he was wittier than God, be he was certainly wittier than me.” (Noel Coward)
“Oscar Who.” (Inquired Woody Allen, agitated, looking up from his copy of the Inquirer)
“I don’t know about wit, but let me tell you, he really knows how to ride ya! I mean he can really pack it in, and boy can that man suck cock! But not in a gay way… Not even really in like a Viking way, but like a soldier doing his sworn duty for his country. He’ll invade you like the troops who stormed Normandy Beach! (Dom Irrera)
“He’s not witty at all. In fact, I think he’s even less witty than the bacteria infesting a hardened, rat turd! (Someone who is definitely God)

In closing I would just like to reprint what a posthumous Wilde has stated about the recrudesce of his fame: “I tend to violently cast aside popular opinion, for what is popular opinion really? It’s nothing more than a collective agreement of the ignorant masses. Just as Art imitates life and life imitates a really bad movie with a low budget, cheesy special f-x, and crappy actors, to be a true “artist” in this age, one must create something truly beyond comprehension. Then you can laugh all the way to the bank, as the “intellectuals” discuss the brilliance of your work, while you know it’s nothing more than fucking crap!”