I know this entry has nothing to do with fanaticism, but there are a few things I need to clear up.
My ex-best friend has her own domain, urbandruid.net. On there, she has a journal, called "Almost Home." She was the one who gave me the idea to start this online journal, but don't let her have too much credit, it might go to her already depressed head. Frankly, I don't think her anti-depressants are working. If my mom hadn't found her site, I don't think MUSINGS would even exist. But, as I said, don't let her take too much credit.
Anyway, in her journal, I am a part of the "cast." Here is what she says about me:
Rebecca is my ex-best friend. She and I practically grew up together, but in the past five years we've drifted apart. She's done a lot of things I can't forgive, and in a number of ways has ceased to be the person I once knew. I really think I used to hate her, but you can only hold onto anger for so long.
Okay, let me tell you my side of the story. We were friends, yes, mainly because our mothers were Girl Scout co-leaders of Troop 77, of which we were both members. We were friends from about second grade or so. I moved away once, but stayed in the same town and when we both ended up at the same intermediate school, we came back together again, both realizing a love for Star Trek. After eighth grade, I moved up north. Two years later, she and her mother moved to the same town as us. The person I had once known had changed. Still there were the obsessions, this time Star Wars and the Internet. (More on that in a minute.) And of course I have "ceased to be the person [she] once knew." I grew up. I changed. She used to hate me, but you know what, I don't hate her. I never have and I never will. Hate is such a strong word. I have never hated anyone, not even the man who stalked me.
I am mentioned a couple of times in her journal, I would just like to clear a few things up. So you know, save for the titles, I have fixed her spelling errors because she obviously doesn't know how to use the "cut and paste" function on her computer. The errors make me nauseous.
The only reason I do this is to let you all know my side of the story. I feel bad that I cannot confront her on this, well I can, but I'm not going to lower myself to her level. My mom as well as my best friend Jen thinks she is whacked. She has a few screws loose. She's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. She's a few bricks shy of a wall. She's, well, not all there. Here is evidence from her own journal. These are items regarding me.
From her latest entry: March 17, 2001 "Waves on the Ocean":
I had a second copy of the print, but Rebecca must have snagged it when I wasn't looking, because I saw it in her scrapbook one time, labeled as "Wil Weaton lookalike". In the pic, Juliana has her hair pulled back, braided; she always wore it like that. And there is a slight resemblance, maybe in the cheekbones, but... Typical Rebecca, first of all to take the picture without asking, and second, to end up mocking something of value to me- a special friend, her image captured on a rather special kind of day. I wanted to slap Rebecca, but I lacked the courage, and I knew she wouldn't understand the outburst, anyway.
First thing's first, I did not take the picture without asking, she gave it to me. And frankly, I was not mocking a friend of hers, it's a compliment, even though she was a girl. And on top of that, she had said the same thing herself. She wanted to slap me? As I said earlier, she gave it to me! And as to me not understanding the outburst, well, read on to see what my ex-best friend thinks, but for those of you who know me, well, you know I'm a very understanding person.
From her "letter to Adam" in her July 25, 1999 entry entitled "Scraps of Paper":
I became interested in Decipher's Star Trek CCG, learned the rules, and played exactly one game with my then-best friend, Rebecca. She played a card wherein the winner of the game could take any card from the loser's deck. She possessed at the time what we in CCG terms call a rare, and a main at that. Jean-Luc Picard, as I recall. I won our game. I gracefully declined to take my pick of her cards, though pointed out I could have taken Picard if I'd wanted him, and that she ought to be more careful. She never played another game with me.
I was immediately fascinated by the Internet. I couldn't get enough of it. I tried to explain this newfound hobby of mine to Rebecca, and she didn't get it at all. Everyone thought I'd developed some psychological problems as a result of this whole computer thing. I learned to tune them out.
Yes we did play the Star Trek card game once. And if I remember correctly (it was a long time ago), neither one of us was really sure what we were doing. And yes I did (and still do) have the Jean-Luc Picard card. My brother got it for me, found it in a deck actually. And about the Internet, well, there's more on that in a bit, so I won't get into here.
From her journal entry on September 8, 1999, "(Another) One of Those Days", talking about my mother:
We keep getting Rebecca's mother's mail. Mom talked to her on the phone tonight, and since she's stopping by to pick up her mail tomorrow night. I've had these problems with Rebecca's mother ever since her daughter and I ceased to be friends; namely, that her mother seems to blame me for that whole thing, and thinks I'm a total nutcase and a spoiled brat, whose mother lets her get away with anything and everything. (Take a good look at your daughter, is what I'd really like to say. And what I've managed to avoid saying thus far) Her disapproval is, in its own ways, as obvious and in-your-face as that of my grandparents, but I'm less inclined to put up with even a certain amount of it from her because she's not even family. She doesn't even have the shaky ground to stand upon here that my grandparents do, and I certainly don't give a damn what she thinks.
Okay, let's look at the here and now. My mother's daughter (me) is away at college, essentially paying for it herself, has the possibility of graduating a semester early from school (but probably won't do it), and is doing quite well on her own. My friend on the other hand, well, she's addicted to the Internet. (See below for more.) And well, who's the spoiled brat? Not I. My friend is currently NOT enrolled in school and has these childish fantasies of becoming a famous author, but she can't even finish writing a novel! (I have finished a novelette, see "I'll Never Break Your Heart.") And so you know, my mother doesn't blame the whole thing on my friend, she acknowledges the fact that we have grown apart, well, I have grown and my friend has digressed.
Talking about memories, September 27, 1999, "Long Live the Queen":
Rebecca, in her own way, is helpful. She talked but not a lot, and mostly I spend the evening rambling. We played stupid games, stuff we haven't done since we were kids. I don't care, and I'm not quite connected to what we're doing, it just doesn't seem to matter. We stay up as long as we can, like holding sleepless vigil for my parents' doomed marriage, but eventually we go to bed. Listening to her snore from my sleeping bag across the room, I wonder how much she really understood. I decide her understanding some of it was better than nothing.
Oh my God, something nice is said about me! But this is all in memories. She's talking about something revolving around her father. I don't really remember, but hey, whatever. It's actually some good press!
Now, let's get into it. Or as "Mills Lane" from Celebrity Deathmatch says, "Let's get it on!" From "Prententious Little Shits", February 28, 2000:
The year I met him, I ended up introducing Adam to Rebecca. I didn't plan to, but she dropped by while I was online, talking to several other members of the then-Park RPG group. When Adam showed up and sent me a message, it just seemed natural for me to introduce him to Rebecca, and her to him.
Adam, particularly during the summer of 1997, was courteous, kind, and amazingly chivalrous. He was charming, gallant... well, you get the idea. I was at least half in love with him by that point in time, and was fool enough not to realize it. Ever the gentleman, he kissed her hand, and made some lovely and appropriate comment about how pleased he was to make the acquaintance of my friend, or something along those lines. I was, I must admit, jealous. And, immediately thereafter, shocked, angry, and embarrassed, in that order, as I witnessed her reply. She was not only rude, she was insulting and condescending. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. After, of course, bludgeoning her to death with my keyboard. The bitch had done the unforgivable, insulting someone I cared for very deeply even then. I adored Adam, even then. I might have been too immature for love, but without a doubt I adored him. And I would never- have never -grant her forgiveness for what she did.
Anger occasionally blocks my memory of detail, but as best I can recall it, in general terms, this is what happened after she made her snide little comments.
Me: I can't believe you said that. That was uncalled for.
Rebecca: Get a grip, Christine. Is this guy for real?
Me: That's just the way he is. He's... [pause while I searched for a way to explain in terms she might be able to understand] ...trying to be nice.
Rebecca: Chill out. They're just [sneer] silly little names on the computer.
Me: They're my friends. You just insulted my friends.
Rebecca: They're taking this all too seriously, and so are you. You all need to lighten up.
Me: How dare you? They're my friends. They're funny and strange and I like then. And you just walk in here shooting off your mouth, insulting people you don't even know-
Rebecca: They're not your friends. Who knows who they are? They could be anybody. Just...don't worry about it, alright? You're going to make friends. You'll meet people in your classes this fall, real people.
I hated her for that. It was the ultimate betrayal, like discovering that everything you've believed in was a lie. I wanted so badly to hurt her in that moment, to hit her and tell her to get the fuck out of my room, my apartment, my life. But I was stupid and a coward and I couldn't move. And by that point it was too late. All I could do was pick up the pieces after she'd gone.
And she wasn't even done then. As if that wasn't enough, she had to go on. She ended up starting a fight with Joanna, and yelling at a kid named Glenn. Glenn was unique, sort of the universal baby brother. He was younger than most of us, so we looked out for him that way. Yelling at Glenn was like kicking a puppy- unnecessary, cruel. She couldn't have stooped much lower at that point.
After I apologized for her, none of the others ever spoke of that day, and I don't know that Adam remembers it or what she said, but I will never forget. How she reacted in the presence of these people, strangers to her but friends of mine, who were doing nothing but trying to be kind, opened my eyes to the fact that I had a selfish, judgmental, heartless bitch for a 'best friend'. I saw her true colors that day- and I learned that once you open your eyes to something like that, you can't ever close them again.
I guess this must have been really traumatic to me, because frankly, I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT! Yes I remember meeting her "friends" online, but I am not judgmental. Let me explain something about my friend. Her grandparents got her a modem for her birthday. Since the moment she plugged it in to her computer, one cannot get her off of it. The entire summer before she started school with me, she spent online with her friends. Since there was only one phone line going into the house, the phone was almost constantly busy. I took to calling her at eight in the morning to make arrangements to do things, always getting the answering machine because she wasn't up yet. After about ten or so, the phone was busy. So I finally took to just showing up at her house unannounced, rude as it may sound, it was the only way to see or speak with her being I didn't have a computer or the Internet (yet). We did manage to go see Men in Black that summer, but only after I begged and pleaded with her. I tried to get her to go see D3: The Mighty Ducks with me, but I wound up going by myself. I do remember the day in question where I met Adam and the rest of her "friends," and yes, I did tell her that you never knew who was on the other end of the computer. I basically told her that these weren't "real" friends. Yes, I do have online friends whom I cherish dearly (Shannon, Becca, Dixie, etc), but it is my real friends whom I know I can always turn to, day or night, with whatever problem I may be having. These friends are the ones I hold closer to my heart than anyone else, because I have spent countless hours with them, in person, getting to know the real them. You never know whom you're getting involved with online. I offer up the ever-growing list of BACKSTREET POSERS that my friend Lynn continues to update. She seems to hunt down those people who like to feed off the innocence of young, impressionable teenagers by pretending to be a member of their favorite group. (Did you really think I wasn't going to mention the BACKSTREET BOYS in this entry?) As for me being judgmental? I don't think so. My friends are of many shapes, sizes, colors, races and religions. It does not bother me what my friends may be. What bothers me is people who are so lost in their own little world, such as my ex-best friend, that they cannot see the light of day. I dated someone like that. Hell, I almost married him. My ex-best friend lives a life of fantasy, one where all her friends exist somewhere out there in cyberspace. She probably has only seen the light of day to visit the doctor for one of her many sinus infections and to go to school (which she hates anyway, and is not enrolled in this semester). Other than that, she probably doesn't know what the sun looks like, that there was yet another school shooting yesterday in San Diego County, or that the Mir Space Station crashed into the ocean this morning.
I have contacted my ex-best friend, under the guise of Lynn Carlson and asked her why she didn't like the BACKSTREET BOYS and if it was just they or if it was all boy bands. I wrote her as an aspiring writer, telling her that I was interested in the whys to help develop more rounded characters. Here is what she said:
Q: I am curious, why do you not like the BACKSTREET BOYS?
A: I'm not sure I can explain it, because it's really a matter of opinion. I don't think there's all that much depth to their music, and to me, some of their lyrics just don't make total sense.
Q: Is it just the BACKSTREET BOYS you dislike or do u dislike all boy bands?
A: I guess that would depend on what your definition of 'boy bands' is. I don't much care for 'NSYNC either, but it's not because it's an all-male band. I don't think the genders of the band members have anything to do with it, really.
I could get into it here, but we all know the argument..."I don't think there's all that much depth to their music" HA!!!! Listen to "TIME" or "HOW DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU" or "IF YOU KNEW WHAT I KNEW." But then again, the BOYS are talking about something she wouldn't understand: love and trust. Yeah, she "claims" to be in love with this guy online, but how can you really be in love with someone you never met? And if she discovers KRYSTAL this July, HEAVEN help us. She probably won't listen to our beloved SUPERGIRL. Why? Because KRYSTAL talks about love and the Lord, something my friend doesn't believe in. She's Wiccan, or a witch, whichever, I don't know. And I really don't care. Our beliefs are different, big deal. Oh well. You win some; you lose some.
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