Courtney Love's side of the story
(personal interpretation of the biography "Courtney Love - the true story", by Poppy Z. Brite)
When Kurt got home again, May 1993, the situation between the two of them only got worse. Kurt's heroin-addiction once more got out of control, and his obsession for guns was really getting frightening. At one stage, Courtney even had to call the cops on him after they had gotten into a fight, concerning this obsession he had for guns. Kurt had pushed her onto the floor and squeezed her throat a little, the cops locked him away, but Courtney herself bailed him out after only tree days. Off course she didn't press charges, she only hoped that the police would take away Kurt's guns, but unfortunately for Courtney, they didn't. In the meanwhile, Kurt's frightening behaviour and Courtney's fear - for Frances and for guns in general - were leading towards a divorce between them.
In July, after a very succesful performance of Hole - Courtney Love's band - in The Offramp in Seattle, Courtney took off for a tour around Europe with her band, leaving and trusting Kurt Cobain alone with their child. Kurt had promessed her to take good care of Frances, which he did, nevertheless he felt that it was OK to take drugs while at it. When Courtney got back from her tour, Kurt started his with Nirvana, which was to be the first in about 2 years, this happened together with the release of In Utero, Nirvana's last studio-recorded album.
On this tour, Kurt finally started feeling a bit better, as his permanent stomach-hurt finally started fading away a little. He even managed to eat an entire pizza in that period, something which he wasn't able to do for years and years. Also Frances Bean was with him on this tour, and this combination of the presence of his baby-girl and the feeling of well-filled stomach made him feel better than the drugs ever could. Unfortunately, this situation wouldn't last too long.
Nirvana ended their tour with the legendary MTV
Unplugged in New York show, November 18th 1993. If you listen to the
songs with a lot of attention, you could consider this to be
somekind of blue-print of the dramatic things yet to come.
Especially Meat Puppet's "Oh Me" (I don't have to think I only
have to do it), Vaselines' "Jesus
Doesn't Want Me For A Sunbeam" (Don't expect me to cry, for all he
reasons you had to die.) and the spooky - yet terribly
beautiful - version of David Bowie's "The
Man Who Sold The World"(I gazed a gazeless stare - I must have
died alone, a long long time ago. These are not the original
lyrics!). Nirvana played nothing but sad songs that day, don't
forget Dumb, Something In The Way, etc. ...
Later on Nirvana was asked to do the main show on Lollapalooza 1994, a deal which would certainly put the Cobains out of financial troubles for the remainder of their lives. However, Kurt really didn't feel like performing anymore, and was planning to refuse the proposition, unlike Krist and Dave. Courtney also wanted very much for Kurt to accept the offer and she tried to push him a little towards making this decision by telling him that if Nirvana would refuse it, Smashing Pumpkins were almost certain to take their place. She said this because Kurt was not at all friends with their lead-singer Billy Corgan, Billy was Courtney's former boyfriend and Kurt still was very jealous of him (Kurt wrote Heart Shaped Box after he had found a heart shaped box filled with Billy Corgan's love-letters, Courtney had kept this box. This incident made Kurt extremely jealous.). In the end Kurt agreed to do the show, but he really didn't care anymore, his fire had burned out a long time ago. It was at this time that the Cobains decided to buy the Lake Washington house in Madrona, Seattle, this was quite a big investment, it costed them $1485000.
So in Februari, Kurt took the plain for yet another tour through Europe, completely against his will. The managment had promessed Nirvana a quite program, but the tour would prove to be the exact opposite; they had to do 38 performances in 12 different country's, they would be on tour for more than 2 months. Already the 16th of February Kurt's voice began to show shortcomings and he was totally exhausted, both physically and mentally. Furthermore Kurt got very emotional after the performance in Madrid, teenage fans had been smoking heroine on foil and raised their tumbs to him, screaming: "Kurt! Smack!". 'He called me in tears', Courtney said. Meanwhiling Kurt had become very suspicious towards Courtney. She was in London for some interviews and Kurt had found out that Smashing Pumpkins, with his rival Billy Corgan, were there too.
On the first of March, when Nirvana played in Munich, Kurt's voice really cracked, he had a heavy laryngitis and bronchitis! The remaining 23 performances had to be postponed. Kurt then flew to Rome and rented a luxurious suite in the Excelsior Hotel, Courtney, Frances and the nanny joined him the next day (the two lovers hadn't seen eachother in 26 days, this was a record for them). Kurt had been very attentive, he had bought Courtney roses, champagne and even a small piece of the Colosseum (Courtney loved the Roman culture). They drank champagne and started kissing, but sometime later Courtney just fell asleep, she had taken valium earlier that day. When she woke at around three in the morning, she wanted to make love to Kurt, but when she turned around, she saw that he was no longer there. Kurt lay at the end of the bed with a thousand dollar banknote in his backpocket and a small letter which said: 'You don't love me anymore. I'd rather die than having to go trough a divorce.' But that was all just in his head, Courtney still loved him as she did before and never really did anything to prove otherwise. Kurt was transported to the hospital and had been clinically dead for more than 20 hours (he had taken 50 pills of Rohypnol), Courtney had been hysterical all that time.
Courtney was with him at the time he opened his eyes, because he couldn't speak she gave him a blocnote and a pencil. Kurt wrote: 'Fuck You', followed by 'Get these fucking tubes out of my nose'. Courtney got into the hospital bed and lay besides him, she whispered in his ear: 'You're such a loser. I wouldn't ever want to divorce you, are you mad?' Eventhough it must have physically hurt real bad for Kurt, Kurt and Courtney had sex on that very spot.
When the Cobains got back home, things between them
really got out of hand. Courtney forbid Kurt to take heroin at
home, she told him that he could use as much as he'd like, but
then he would have to go to a hotel, which was exactly what he
did. After having done this two nights in a row, Courtney got so
worried that she turned her request around, at this time Kurt was
only allowed to take heroin at home. Besides heroin and Klonopin,
Kurt also got heavily addicted to speed, furthermore Kurt refused
to wash himself anymore, he never really liked bathing anyway. In
this period Kurt got absolutely mad; he ran around the house in
hunters-clothes, always carried a gun, and didn't sleep for a
whole week. Courtney considered to secretly put some valium in
his glass, but eventually Kurt fell asleep without any help.
March 18th 1994, Kurt had locked himself inside the bathroom with a whole set of guns, Courtney was convinced that he was going to commit suicide and called the cops. Nevertheless, Kurt succeeded in making those cops believe that this was hardly the case and that he had only hidden himself for Courtney, because she had supposedly tried to beat him up, for a proove, Kurt showed them a couple of scratches on his back. The police collected 4 guns, 25 boxes filled with ammo, and a bottle of pills. Immediately after this incident, another one was about to take place; Kurt found a whole bunch of fanmail and magazines that Courtney had been hiding for him, they were referring to Kurt's addiction and the danger he was getting himself into. They were fighting for these documents: Courtney yelled: "It are just dark clouds, they'll go away!" while she tried to pull the magazines - from which Kurt was ripping papers - out of his hands, he replied: "I won't ever make music again, I won't be there anymore when the clouds disappear!"
March 25th, Courtney got so desperate that she decided to organize an intervention, for which she invited Krist, Pat Smear, Dylan Carlson and three of Nirvana's managers. They talked for hours and hours, tried to shock him or at least get through to him, but it didn't work, Kurt just didn't care. When the intervention was over, Courtney realised straight away that they hadn't succeeded. Kurt had just been waiting for everybody to leave, so that he could score again. That moment she knew that suicide was not far away. Eventually she was able to convince him to let himself be treated at the Exodus Center, a rehab center in Marina del Rey, California, a place where he had already been before. The rehab center send some people over, but when they arrived, Kurt refused to come along, so eventually they had to drag him out of the house while Kurt was screaming: "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!...". Courtney was strongly adviced to go to L.A., they said that if Kurt really loved her, he'd follow her. They had already put a car out for Courtney and the managers practically forced her into it, she didn't want to leave but she realised that things couldn't go on the way they did, and so she did what they asked/forced her to do.
Courteny went to the Peninsula Beverly Hills Hotel, but actually she just wanted to be home. Kurt called her a few times and sometimes he fell asleep while at it, when he woke again he just said: "Yeah, yeah, I'll go to the center." But he didn't, in stead he just walked around town, he was signaled at Linda's Tavern, the comic store Ohm's and at the house of a drugdealer, he looked very ill and abominable. In the meanwhile, the 'L.A. Times' published that Nirvana had cancelled their Lollapalooza, strangely, Courtney didn't get upset about it, she realised that Kurt wouldn't ever go on tour again.
March 30th, Kurt and his friend Dylan Carlson went to Stan Baker's store and bought a Remington MII shotgun, Dylan paid $308,87 cash. Although Dylan had been present at the intervention, he said that he honestly didn't have a clue about Kurt's suicidal thoughts and he believed Kurt when he said that he only wanted the gun for protection. Kurt went back home and safely put the gun away. Courtney called him when he was still in the house and convinced him to go to L.A., Kurt probably agreed because he now had the certainty that a gun was waiting for him when he would arrive home again. When Kurt arrived at Exodus, Courtney wasn't allowed to visit him for three whole days, "It wouldn' be good for you relationship", Kurt's doctor said. Courtney was not all ok with this, nevertheless she agreed, she was just to desperate to argue with those people.
April 1st, Jackie (the nanny) and Frances Bean came to visit her father, Kurt played with his daughter for a while and then let hem out. At that moment he called Courtney from a phone cell around the corner, "No matter what happens", he said, "I just want to let you know that you made one hell of a record." She didn't understand what he was trying to say, so Kurt made himself a bit more clear: "Just never forget that, no matter what, I'll always love you." He ended the connection. A few hours later he managed to escape by climbing over a wall at the back of the clinic's yard, went to the airport and flew back to Seattle. When Courtney found out that Kurt had fled the rehab she let his credit card be blocked, baring in mind that now Kurt would have to call her when he needed some money. For hours and hours she called other artists to get the phone numbers of some drugdealers, called those drugdealers and drove by their houses just to make sure that Kurt really wasn't there. Back in Seattle, Kurt went straight home.
In the morning of April 2nd, Kurt had a brief conversation wit Michael Dewitt, alias 'Cali'. Cali later said to the people who would lead the invesigation that Kurt looked ill, but that he didn't really say any weird stuff. After his short encounter with Michael, Kurt took a cab to the city center to buy 25 cartridges at 'Seattle Guns'. At 8.40 Kurt tried to call Courtney but didn't get past the hotel security, Courtney had ordered them not to let any caller through, except for her husband.
(small remark: Why didn't Cali report their encounter to Courtney? Didn't it seem important to him? Or did he inform Courtney? Then why didn't she fly straight away to Seattle and get her husband back?? I'd like to know...)
Kurt's final days remain a mistery, a filthy web of contradictions, lies and illogial accusations. April 5th, Kurt went back to the Lake Washington House, which by that thime was abandonned. He took Chim-Chim and hided the plastic monkey in a secret hiding place, Courtney would retreive it there a few months later. He left the tv on, took his gun and walked up the stairs to the small room above the garage. He locked one of the doors and blocked the other with a chair. In his final moments Kurt smoked 6 cigarettes, drank a can of soda and wrote a small letter to his imaginary childhood friend 'Boddah', which would later be defined as the suicide note. Then Kurt injected himself with a tripple heroin dose, and before falling down, he quickly put the shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.
(small remark: How on earth could anyone put a shotgun in his mouth and still reach the trigger - let alone a totally overdosed Kurt?? Again, I'd like to know...)
(small remark: Why are the heading and the ending of the suicide note written with a total differen handwriting? Did the emotions get the upperhand at those stages, or did someone else write them? By the way: it's only the heading and the ending that make this node a suicide note!)
In the morning of April 7th, Courtney got arrested by the Beverly Hills police, they had reason to believe that she was high, which is a crime at itself, but when they let her be examined at the Century City Hospital for this matter, they constatated that she was sober. Nevertheless, David Geffen suggested her to go to a rehab center anyway, Courtney agreed to it because she thought that people might finally leave her alone there and that maybe Kurt would show up if he'd hear this news. But meanwhiling, she was terrified to death about him, she couldn't bare the thought of losing him, Kurt was her soulmate and wouldn't want to miss him for the world.
April 8th, Courtney woke up at Exodus and put on the tv, she switched to the private channel of the clinic: a continous video that shows birds flyings in the sky, shores, and other relaxing images, which were acompannied by new age-music. She was about to switch channels when all the sudden Rosemary Caroll entered the room, she first looked at the telly before directing herself to Courtney. That one gesture told Courtney more than a thousand words ever could: Kurt was dead.