S2, E1 Sadie, Sadie
LUKE: Fresh coffee will be ready in a minute unless you wanna just roll up a dollar bill and go nuts.
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LUKE: You're gonna say yes.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: Well, you're making a big deal about telling me he proposed.
LORELAI: Uh, I don't think I'm making a big deal.
LUKE: And you wouldn't do that if you weren't gonna say yes.
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LUKE: Oh, but you probably already talked about that, right?
LORELAI: Uh, no, but I do think he and my father have come to an agreement on how many goats I'm worth.
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LORELAI: Luke!
LUKE: You do know his last name don't you?
LORELAI: I want my popsicle back.
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S2, E3 Red Light on a Wedding Night
LUKE: It's not biologically natural for people to mate for life. Animals don't mate for life. Well, ducks do, but who the hell cares what ducks do?
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S2, E4 Road Trip to Harvard
LORELAI: Can I ask you stupid questions?
LUKE: There's no such thing.
LORELAI: How does ink come out of pens?
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S2, E5 Nick & Nora/Sid & Nancy
LORELAI: Yeah, but Luke, he's new in town. He doesn't know his way around yet.
LUKE: Way around what? This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.
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LUKE: If I had asked him where he was going and he actually intended to knock off a liquor store, do you really think he would've told me that?
LORELAI: If he's dumb.
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LUKE: Jess. I got this call from Taylor that he thinks Jess stole the bridge money and I went to confront him and he was being impossible and I just pushed him in a lake. This is bad.
LORELAI: That depends, can he swim?
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S2, E6 Presenting Lorelai Gilmore
LUKE: Coffee…coffee. Okay, what do you want? Eggs, toast, combo?
LORELAI: What's the rush there, Zippy?
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LUKE: So, back from the ball huh?
LORELAI: Yes, I left behind a glass slipper and a business card in case the prince is really dumb.
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S2, E7 Like Mother, Like Daughter
LUKE: By the way, you do tell people that you're the one that named my toolbox, right?
LORELAI: Toolbox, dirty.
LUKE: Oh geez.
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LUKE: I am a grown man. You cannot tell me who to date.
LORELAI: I'm not telling you who to date, I'm telling you who not to date.
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S2, E8 The Ins and Outs of Inns
LUKE: Mia hey!
MIA: Nice to see you Lucas.
LUKE: You're the only person in the world who can call me that, Mia.
MIA: I know this.
LUKE: I'm saying it for others who plan to try it later.
LORELAI: Whatever, Lucas.
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LUKE: Geez! Don't sneak up on me like that.
LORELAI: Yeah, boy, I was lucky you had your phasers on stun, huh?
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LUKE: You're harassing me now.
LORELAI: I'm not harassing you. We're your groupies. [in high voice] Oh Luke, you're so dreamy, be my guy!
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LORELAI: Hey, if I cry, will it freak you out?
LUKE: Totally.
LORELAI: What if I whimper?
LUKE: How about you suck it up?
LORELAI: Hmm, I'll try.
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LORELAI: Oh Luke, do not underestimate the complete and total lack of confidence I have in my abilities.
LUKE: What? You're the most confident person I know. Obnoxiously so.
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LUKE: You're just scared. Just like everybody else when they're taking on something big.
LORELAI: Well, then what does everybody else do to get through this feeling?
LUKE: They run in the back, throw up, pass out, and then smack their head on the floor.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: That's what I did on the first morning I opened the diner.
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S2, E9 Run Away, Little Boy
LORELAI: Okay, he was not that much younger than I am. I met him a business school, not his Bar Mitzvah. Business school has to indicate some kind of maturity, right?
LUKE: Doogie Howser was a doctor at sixteen.
LORELAI: Doogie Howser was not real.
LUKE: How sad for you.
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S2, E10 The Bracebridge Dinner
LORELAI: Giddy up. [the sleigh starts moving] Uh! The horses heard me, I speak horse language! I'm Dr. Dolittle!
LUKE: Plus, I think the driver of the sleigh heard you.
LORELAI: Oh, yeah.
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LORELAI: No, it's always different his time of year. It's magical.
LUKE: If you say so, sure. Oh look, there's the magical plumbing supply store where I bought a magical float for my toilet last week.
LORELAI: You disappoint me.
LUKE: Oh look. There's the magical Luke's Diner right underneath the apartment that Jess magically lit by leaving every stinkin' light on.
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LUKE: You never lied to your kid?
LORELAI: Ahh, to save her from great physical pain, yes. When she was little and she would play in the kitchen, I told her that the burners were the devil's hands, but I would say it in a really scary evangelist voice, you know, 'Don't touch the devil's hands!’ She still doesn't go near the stove.
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S2, E11 Secrets and Loans
LUKE: How 'bout some tea?
LORELAI: Absolutely, throw it in with the coffee.
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LORELAI: Yeah. I was thinking that you could put on some fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, some platform boots, and go with us as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
LUKE: Hmm. Well, now that is a thought.
LORELAI: You'll also need some gloves and a wig.
LUKE: Gloves, wigs, got it.
LORELAI: I'll do your makeup.
LUKE: Oh, that'll be a help.
LORELAI: There you go.
LUKE: Okay, sounds great.
LORELAI: Great. So eight o'clock, I'll swing around and get ya?
LUKE: Sure, good.
LORELAI: Good.
LUKE: Oh hey, if by some chance you knock on the door but no one answers even though all the lights are on, I'll just meet you there.
LORELAI: Okay.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: So I'll see you tomorrow morning?
LUKE: Yeah, I'll be the one with the coffee.
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LUKE: It's dark. Hand me the flashlight.
LORELAI: Why don't you have one of those hats with the lights on them?
LUKE: I flip burgers for a living.
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LORELAI: Well how was it? Was there like a termite housing development under there? Golf courses and condos with rec rooms?
LUKE: It's actually not too bad.
LORELAI: Well what do you know? You flip burgers for a living.
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LORELAI: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?
LUKE: That's right.
LORELAI: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?
LUKE: Only scarier.
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LORELAI: Luke, that's a loan.
LUKE: No, it's just a temporary exchange of money for services that will be paid back when you finally have the...it's a loan.
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S2, E13 A-Tisket, A-Tasket
LORELAI: Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.
LUKE: You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.
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LORELAI: I cannot buy my own basket.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because that is pathetic.
LUKE: And chasing me around my diner begging me to buy your basket?
LORELAI: Also pathetic. But that is a pathetic I can live with, where that pathetic is a truly pathetic pathetic, and only you can save me from the double pathetic! Please!
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LORELAI: Go, go on.
LUKE: Forty-seven dollars, are you kidding?
LORELAI: Luke!
GUY 2: Forty-seven fifty!
LUKE: For what? Two stale Pop Tarts and a Slim Jim?
LORELAI: Okay, you're not getting the whole saving me here thing, are you?
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LUKE: So what do we do now?
LORELAI: I guess we eat.
LUKE: This?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: First I have to buy it, then I have to eat it?
LORELAI: Hey, the basket of botulism does come with my company.
LUKE: Huh. You don't eat with your mouth open do you?
LORELAI: Women don't eat at all. We just look at food and jump on the treadmill.
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LORELAI: We're supposed to be eating on the ground.
LUKE: Says who?
LORELAI: Every picture you've ever seen of a picnic shows people eating on the ground.
LUKE: Yes, and every time I have seen a picture of people eating on the ground I've thought, what the hell are you people doing sitting on the ground? Spring for some beach chairs, you cheapskates.
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LORELAI: Hey, where are you going?
LUKE: I am going to the diner, I am going to get us some edible food and I’m gonna bring it back here for us to eat.
LORELAI: That is so not the point of today. I made this. I am insulted. I will now proceed to pout.
LUKE: I'll bring back some brownies.
LORELAI: Ooh, the pouting has left the building.
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LORELAI: You know, your burgers actually taste better outside.
LUKE: Good. Next time the roof in the diner’s leaking, I’ll just rip the stupid thing off.
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LORELAI: You are stubborn.
LUKE: I’m stubborn?
LORELAI: Yeah, you’re stubborn.
LUKE: You’re Miss Flexibility over here?
LORELAI: Hey, I can be flexible.
LUKE: Please.
LORELAI: I can. As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.
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LUKE: Who did you want to get your basket?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: I mean, before you knew Patty was gonna put you on the Dating Game, you did pack this disgusting lunch and bring it out here, so who did you want to get it?
LORELAI: Well, last year Roy Wilkins bought it and I got my sprinklers fixed for half price.
LUKE: Uh huh.
LORELAI: And this year my rain gutters are completely clogged, and I thought if I could get the Collins kid to bite, I’d get that taken care of.
LUKE: Very practical.
LORELAI: I thought so.
LUKE: So the participation in this thing was purely for home improvement reasons?
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LORELAI: Just having someone who you love or have some kind of crazy crush on bid on your basket and then share a romantic lunch, it’s a nice concept.
LUKE: Well, I’m sure someday you’ll manage to find the right guy and drag him out to this thing and make him buy your stupid basket and then you’ll be sitting out here with him.
LORELAI: Yeah, someday.
~~
S2, E14 It Should’ve Been Lorelai
LORELAI: This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y.
LUKE: Or Outer Limits-y.
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Great show, just as eerie, same era, but no one ever references it.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak geek.
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LUKE: You don’t seem your chipper self.
LORELAI: I brought some sparklers. I’ll light them later and do some kicks.
LUKE: You know, if you want I can clear the counter and you can play some bagel hockey.
LORELAI: You can’t play bagel hockey by yourself.
LUKE: I’ll play with you. You’ll have to explain the rules.
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S2, E15 Lost and Found
LUKE: Ow!
LORELAI: Luke, are you okay?
LUKE: Stupid box! Stupid lamp!
LORELAI: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
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LUKE: I’m looking for my supply ledger.
LORELAI: Is it going well?
LUKE: It’s going fine.
LORELAI: You have a sock on your shoulder. Is it helping you look?
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LUKE: See if you can find a brown leather ledger.
LORELAI: I’ve never seen so much stuff. It looks like a white trash Hearst Castle in here.
LUKE: On second thought, I’ll find it myself.
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LUKE: I know it’s crazy now, but I just have to get it all organized, figure out where to put everything, buy another dresser, a portable wardrobe, some storage bins.
LORELAI: Can of gasoline, box of matches.
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LORELAI: No! See, I had a near death experience today.
LUKE: Really?
LORELAI: Yes. I almost fell off the roof of my house trying to clean the rain gutters, so I have to have pancakes. Please? I’ll help you shower when I become a superhero.
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LORELAI: Ah. Wow, that’s cute. Is this the first time it’s been away from its mother?
LUKE: It’s a very good TV.
LORELAI: Hm, black and white, coat hanger antenna, really bad reception.
LUKE: It’s fine.
LORELAI: Don’t you have a fully grown TV upstairs?
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LUKE: I like my apartment.
LORELAI: It’s not just your apartment. Jess lives there also.
LUKE: Jess is fine.
LORELAI: Are you sure? Because he could be pinned down under a box for a year in that place and you wouldn’t know it until the neighbors started to complain about the smell.
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LUKE: I don’t want a wood-burning fireplace.
LORELAI: Luke?
LUKE: But if I take an apartment with a wood-burning fireplace, even though I could give a rat’s ass about a wood-burning fireplace, I have to pay an extra two hundred dollars a month for the wood-burning fireplace.
LORELAI: Yeah, but - .
LUKE: And three of the places make you put down a five hundred dollar deposit if you have a dog. Can you believe this?
LORELAI: You don’t have a dog.
LUKE: I know, but it’s wrong.
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LUKE: Maybe one place wasn’t so bad.
LORELAI: Oh good, describe it to me.
LUKE: I don’t know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light.
LORELAI: Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it’s got a roof, I’m stealing that baby out from under you.
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LUKE: Sixty-two and a half B Street. And that’s another thing – what’s with this half business? Why do all these apartments have this half thing going? It’s stupid. If sixty-two is taken, move on to sixty-three.
LORELAI: Luke, I’ll meet you there in twenty and a half minutes.
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MARY: Now, I went over the square footage and the details of the lease with your husband this morning. Did he fill you in?
LUKE: What? Oh no, we’re – .
LORELAI: No, no, he didn’t, but you know how men are. The minute that ball game comes on, all the realities of life just go right out the window.
MARY: Don’t I know it.
LORELAI: I mean, I could answer the door wrapped in cellophane but unless I was wearing a Yankees cap. . .ugh, he wouldn’t even notice.
LUKE: Geez.
LORELAI: Oh, don’t be embarrassed Snuffy, I’m just teasing. It’d be a Mets cap.
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LORELAI: Luke, Rachel’s not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday -- probably at a Timberland store, you'll ask her out. You'll pick her up and take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance -- juice bar followed by the batting cages -- and then you'll ask her back to your apartment.
LUKE: Any amount of money if you stop right now.
LORELAI: You’ll bring her back to your place, lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause, gaze into her eyes – the stage is set, fate is waiting. You open the door, and she sees your teeny, tiny apartment – one room and no closet space and Jess' feet sticking up in the air ‘cause you never did get rid of that body!
LUKE: Stop, please.
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LORELAI: Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed. It means he's not open to a commitment.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It says there's no room in this life for anybody but me.
LUKE: No, it says there's no room in this bed for anyone but me.
LORELAI: Okay, see, that's not a whole lot better.
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LUKE: I just spent a hundred thousand dollars and it’s all your fault!
LORELAI: Oh, good.
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LUKE: He’s systematically buying up the town. He’s gonna turn it into Taylorville where everyone’ll wear cardigans and have the same grass height.
LORELAI: Luke, do you wanna sit down?
LUKE: And then he told me he’s gonna buy the building next to the diner, turn it into a plate shop for freaks who don’t have enough brain power to collect stamps. I lost it.
LORELAI: Uh, I can’t picture that.
LUKE: I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate.
LORELAI: You ate that?
LUKE: No, I didn’t eat it!
LORELAI: Of course not.
LUKE: I’m upset, not suicidal.
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S2, E17 Dead Uncles and Vegetables
LUKE: Not everybody likes it that strong.
LORELAI: Well, then I shall convert them. I am the Jehovah's coffee girl.
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LUKE: My family’s disturbing.
LORELAI: I’m so sorry.
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LORELAI: Face it, Luke, people like you.
LUKE: Shut up.
LORELAI: And with charm like that, how can they resist?
~~
S2, E18 Back in the Saddle Again
LORELAI: You have a new special.
LUKE: I sure do.
LORELAI: Nice. What is the special omelet?
LUKE: You won’t like it.
LORELAI: How do you know?
LUKE: Because you’ve been eating here for years and I know what you like, and you won’t like it.
LORELAI: Can I at least hear what it is?
LUKE: Fine. It’s three eggs with bits of bacon.
LORELAI: I like bacon.
LUKE: Cubed tomatoes.
LORELAI: Sounds good.
LUKE: Swiss cheese and a dash of oregano.
LORELAI: A dash, he says.
LUKE: I’ve got other customers here.
LORELAI: I’m gonna go with the special omelet.
LUKE: Okay.
LORELAI: With a side of bacon.
LUKE: There’s bacon in the omelet.
LORELAI: Oh, then skip the bacon.
LUKE: The side of bacon?
LORELAI: The bacon in the omelet.
LUKE: Hold the bacon.
LORELAI: Can I get Jack cheese?
LUKE: On the side?
LORELAI: Instead of Swiss, Swiss is so stringy.
LUKE: Fine, Jack cheese.
LORELAI: Also, I think I’m allergic to oregano so hold that, too, and some coffee.
LUKE: So, just the eggs, tomatoes, and Jack cheese.
LORELAI: Not too many tomatoes.
LUKE: Light on the tomatoes.
LORELAI: Very light, just a teeny-tiny amount, practically none.
LUKE: I’m skipping the tomatoes. It’s an omelet with Jack cheese.
LORELAI: Perfect.
LUKE: You did this on purpose.
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S2, E19 Teach Me Tonight
LUKE: Well, I accidentally dropped triple the amount of cocoa powder in the batter so I either had to dump the batch or find someone with some sort of superhuman chocolate tolerance only one name came to mind.
LORELAI: God, I love being special.
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S2, E22 I Can’t Get Started
LORELAI: You’re pulling a Mr. Freeze on me.
LUKE: I’m not pulling a Mr. Freeze on you.
LORELAI: Please. I’m gonna need snow chains just to get out of here.