Conversation with Pumpkin
So, I'm snipping the clumped up bits of poo off my cat's butt last night and she turns to me and goes, "Bitch, what the hell?"

Me: Sweetie, I know this isn't any fun, but it's gross. You've got dingleberries.

Pumpkin: Hey, my ass is my own business. Get away from me!

Me (chasing her with the scissors): Hold still! There are just a few left, okay?

Pumpkin (hiding under the bed): Piss off!

Fiance (entering room to see what all the ruckus is about while eating a cookie): What's going on in here? It's Bedlam!

Pumpkin (giving him an imploring look): She's all over me with those frickin' scissors! Make her stop, please for the love of God! If you love me you'll make her STOP!

Me: She's got bits of poo hanging off her butt. I've tried giving her a bath and you remember how well that worked out. Will you help me hold her down so I can finish?

Him: I'd love to but I'm eating this cookie right now. Why don't you wait and try again later?

Pumpkin: YES! Take that, bee-yotch! Ha!

Me: Okay, fine. But I'm not sleeping with a cat and her poo.

Pumpkin (incredulous): Like I'd sleep with you after this. In fact, don't be surprised if you wake up next to your very own pile of poo. Sweet dreams, asshat.