Toxic
I had the great misfortune to see Titney?s (? Kevin) new Toxic video yesterday morning. What?s a girl to do? I was innocently sipping my coffee, flipping back and forth between the Weather Channel, MTV, VH1 and (I can?t lie to you) The Waltons on TV Land (please don?t judge me ? I watch it with the sound off) and I landed on the opening scene of the video. You know, with the funny airplane jetting through the sky.

Let me first say that I recognized the music immediately but was surprised to see our girl as the flight attendant. What does that say about me? Or her, for that matter? Her music is so ubiquitous that I knew it right away, but had no idea who was singing until I saw her for myself. Is she so indistinguishable or am I just out of the loop?

Anyway, back to the story. It was like watching a train wreck. The song is inane (like most of her music), and so she decided to sex up the video (and rightly so because let?s face it, if it weren?t for her half-naked strutting would we really all be in such love with her?).

As a result, half the time she?s playing a spy wearing skimpy outfits and various wigs so as to imitate Jennifer Garner?s Alias alter ego. The other half she wearing a skin-toned body suit decorated with what appear to be diamonds or sequins.

The problem I have with Titney is that she?s not even all that talented. The music sounds so processed and mixed and shellacked that I find it difficult to believe that she could ever just sit on a stage with an instrument and sing. But I guess that?s fine. We can?t all be Norah Jones, right? Or Ella Fitzgerald. Or Billie Holiday. Or Ani DiFranco.

What is the point of this? Dunno. I guess I just still can?t believe I sat through the video. To my credit I kept thinking to myself, Turn this off! You?re IQ is dropping by the second! Did I listen, though? No. I couldn?t take my eyes off of it. In a state of horror I watched as she seduced me. I?m not proud of myself. In fact, I feel a little dirty admitting it to you.