Oscar Slam 2005
Welcome to Oscar Slam 2005 where each year we take a look at what the celebrities wore last night and then make fun of their bad judgment. Why? Because it makes us cool.

Obviously, I can?t get to everyone, so we?ll just hit the big A-listers (and the seriously fashion-challenged) and then I?ll leave you with a Top Ten Best Dressed List.

Ready? Here we go!

Okay, first off, Hilary Swank. Dude, what the hell? This is awful, just awful. Body hugging does not a sexy dress make. When I look at this all I can think about is Celine Dion?s bizarre backward tuxedo from a few years ago. Burn this dress, Hil. It?s bad.

Kiss of the Spider Lady is one thing, but Kirsten Dunst what were you thinking? This dress does nothing for you but underline how flat chested you are. Blech.

From the neck up Laura Linney looks flawless. Perfect, even. Her hair is gorge, her makeup understated, her jewelry fabulous. But the dress. The dress is a nightmare. What were you thinking when you chose this thing? The diagonal line is one thing, but what?s with the frilly crap hiding your great cleavage? And while we?re at why would you choose a dress the same color as your skin? Have you learned nothing from Jennifer Connolly?

Dear Mom, Remember those curtains we threw out? Well, it looks like Natalie Portman has been digging threw our garbage again. I guess this means she can sew, but Jesus, next time we should add a bedspread or two for her. This dress is bad. Shape, color, line, everything is just BAD.

This is actually not too bad for Salma, but the bows, dear God, the bows! Didn?t you see Sandra Bullocks catastrophe from last year? Never add bows to a perfectly good dress!

Did anyone else notice that when Renee came on stage to present, she waddled to the microphone? Seriously, could this dress be any tighter? I think Renee wants people know that she?s one tough broad and we shouldn?t mess with her. Why else does she always look so rigid and stiff?

Dear Rachel Griffiths,
I?m a big fan but if the only thing you have at home is your bathrobe, you really don?t have to attend events like this. Really. No, Really.

Do you think this is their patented ?Sluts-R-Us? look?

Talk about Prom Queen Meets Fright Night the morning after. Scarlett, it?s called hair spray. Look into it.

Regina I?ve been a fan for a long time, but it has to be said. What the hell is strapped to your chest? What? And while I?m at it, who told you you look good in this dress? Or maybe you were wearing a corset when they told you? The color is good and your hair and jewelry are fine but the dress is just ick.

Y?all, Melanie Griffith is really old. Or maybe drunk. Or both. Either way, the dress is okay it?s just a leetle too open if you know what I mean. Boobs that old belong with Janet?s pair. Yeah, I said it. No one wants to see that.

Poor Meg Ryan. Someone should tell her that this look was done by Sharon Stone about ten years ago. And about ten times better. Meg, get a new haircut. We?re tired of this one.

Fugly is the best word I can come up with to describe this travesty. Maggie, honey, do you need some money?

She didn?t make the best-dressed list, but I thought I?d pause in my rants to give Helen Mirren mad props on looking so good.

I don?t usually pay much attention to the men because, well, they don?t wear the dresses. However, Ethan Hawke caught my eye because immediately after noticing him I thought to myself, ?Does this man EVER bathe??

And now the moment you?ve all been waiting for. It?s the Top Ten Best Dressed

10. Penelope Cruz Is fantastic in this gold number. It?s a little on the boring side but she?s so beautiful that I don?t think it matters

9. Halle Berry
This isn?t one of my favorites but she?s really working it. If her hair were short she?d be lower on the list.

8. Cate Blanchett
Cate is stunning, as always. The only thing I?m not loving is the red sash. Whut up wit dat, Cate?

7. Charlize Theron
She is absolutely breathtaking in this color and the full skirt really emphasizes her tiny upper body. The only thing I?m not loving is the wispy fabric over her cleavage.

6. Annette Benning
Such a babe ? still! After three kids and umpteen years of marriage to Warren ?The Playah? Beatty she can still turn some heads.

5. Virginia Madsen
What knockout. The hair, jewelry, makeup, dress, all look amazing. Go VA!

4. Sandra Oh
Alexander Payne?s new wife is gorge! Absolutely flawless.

3. Catalina Sandino Moreno
A newcomer, but still this look is perfectly executed. She?s going to have staying power if she?s as good at acting as she is at dressing herself.

2. Drew Barrymore
So glam. My favorite part of this ensemb is the diamond encrusted chain link bracelet. Portia De Rossi wore it last year with a silver dress and I find that it works both ways. Way to go, Drew.

1. Kate Winslet is this year?s best dressed. If this were the Outfit Olympics, she?d be walking away with a gold. The color is perfect for her, the dress itself is simple but luxurious. Her hair is great ? wavy, but not in her face, and her make up is fab. What more could you want?

I will admit to some disappointment over a few of my faves who were not in attendance. Let?s look at who was missing from the crowd this year.

List of MIAs
Sandra Bullock
Julia Roberts (understandable and she showed up later at the Gov?s Ball)
Nicole Kidman
Tom Cruise
Lucy Liu
Cameron Diaz
Tom Hanks/Rita Wilson
Susan Sarandon/Tim Robbins
Jennifer Lopez
The Friends
The Pitts (understandable)
Jack Nicholson
Lara Flynn Boyle
Gwen Stefani
Catherine Zeta-Jones/Michael Douglas
Angelina Jolie
Sharon Stone
Uma Thurman
Patricia Clarkson
Holly Hunter
Julianne Moore

A night to remember, yes, but when all is said and done, one thing is clear. These people hate the Oscars.