Andrew: Hey, you owe me, man!
Warren: Or what, you’ll train another pack of devil-dogs to ruin my prom?
Andrew: That wasn’t me, how many times do I have to say it – the prom thing was my lame-o brother Tucker!
Jonathan: Yeah well tell him I was at that prom.
Andrew: Hello? Screen wipe, new scene! I had nothing to do with the devil-dogs. I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play! The school play, dude.
(Pause as both stare at Andrew – then start goofy laughing)
Warren: Yeah, that was cool.
Jonathan: Yeah, everyone was like, “Run, Juliet!”
How the Crime Lords came together:
All three sit around a table in the basement drinking cola and playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Warren: So… you guys wanna team up, and take over Sunnydale?
Andrew & Jonathan (shrug): Okay.
Jonathan: We’re not killers, we’re Crime Lords.
Warren: You name it, I've tried it against the Slayer but you know what I found really works - gun.
Vamp: You killed the Slayer with a gun?
Warren: In her own back yard (Smug)... Don't underestimeate science my friends, good old fashioned metal means propulsion
* Laughter from everyone at the bar *
Demon barkeeper (while laughing): This is is gonna be good
Warren: The best, the town is ours!
Vamp: Ours maybe, you...are screwed
Demon barkeeper: Metal means propulsion yeah, but you still better be a good shot
* Laughter *
Warren: This isn't the evil laugh of victory is it?
Vamp: More like the evil laugh of you're a dead man!
Warren (Annoyed): Uh Look what's the joke?
Demon barkeeper: It was just on the news... Girl was shot
Vamp: In her back yard...
Demon barkeeper: She survived, she's in hospital. * Laughter * Slayers heal fast, real fast
Vamp: Yeah, I was gonna eat you myself during the commercial, but now I think it would be more fun to let the Slayer gut you.
Andrew: The Slayer touched you…
Jonathan: Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists.
Xander: I think we did great. We knocked em dead. Which they already were.
Willow: We knocked 'em deader!
Anya: Did not.
Xander: Last night, with me, you said "Jonathan."
Anya: It was a moan!
Xander: Fine! You moaned "Jonathan!"
Anya: Nuh uh! It was like "unnh-unnh-atha."
Xander: Maybe it was ahh-onathan. Still not fluffing up the old ego.
Buffy: I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense. He starred in The Matrix but he never left town. And how'd he graduate from med school? He's only eighteen years old.
Xander: Effective time management?
Giles: I'm sorry Buffy, but I just don't understand what you're trying to say.
Anya: Yeah and when is Jonathan going to get here and start the meeting?
Buffy: This is the meeting.
Willow: This is the meeting?
Buffy: Well, I was just kind of wondering if maybe anyone thought that Jonathan was kind of too perfect?
Xander: No he's not! He's just perfect enough! He crushed the bones of the master, he blew up a big snake made out of mayor and he coached the U.S. women's soccer team to stunning World Cup victory! We saw him doing those things!
Buffy: But that's just it. I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya tell them about the alternate universes.
Anya: Oh okay. Umm. Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp," you would say to yourself.
Buffy: Stop, you're saying it wrong! I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all like his pawns.
Anya: Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp, I am trying to do something here!
Buffy: The monster had a mark on it. Jonathan saw it and he kind of... blinked.
Xander: He blinked? The man moistened his eyeballs and we're having a meeting about it.
Xander: So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
Giles: Yes.
Xander: That is so cool!
Xander: You know what I'll always remember?
Riley: The swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind. (At Buffy's look) Not in a good way.
Xander: I'll always remember the way he made me feel about me. Valued, respected, sort of tingly... Now I'm just empty.
Buffy: Poor Xander. I guess Jonathan hurt you most of all.
Tara, raising her hand: Ummm.
Buffy: Except of course, after Tara.
Riley: Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt way too tall.
Xander: I liked his clothes. He had really cool clothes.
Willow: Still not understanding how he got the house and everything.
Anya: And who really did star in the Matrix?
Riley: Wait. That wasn't real either?
Jonathan: You think I won't use this?
Buffy: I don't know, Jonathan, I'm just-
Jonathan: Stop doing that!
Buffy: Doing what?
Jonathan: Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends. You all think I'm an idiot. A short idiot.
Buffy: I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Most people here don't. Bugs you, doesn't it? You've got all this pain, all these feelings and nobody's paying attention.
Jonathan: You think I just want attention?
Buffy: No, I think you're in the bell tower with a high powered rifle because you want to blend in. Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand. About the pain.
Jonathan: Oh, right, 'cause the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler.
Buffy: I'm sorry, I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens very occasionally to suck beyond the telling of it. More than I can stand sometimes. And not just me. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're way too busy with their own. The beautiful ones, the popular ones, the guys that pick on you... everyone. (She comes around to look down at the courtyard.) If you could hear what they're feeling - the confusion, the loneliness . . . It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening.
Jonathan: Are we really gonna kill her? That's so sad.
Warren: Shut up, Whineathan.
Andrew: But I don't want to kill Buffy, either!
Jonathan: Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times. Plus - she's hot.
Andrew: I still can't believe it. We did it! We can do anything. We, we can stay up all night if we wanna.
Warren: Whoa, whoa, don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
Andrew: I'm only saying . . .
Jonathan: I need you to hold hands.
Andrew: With each other?
Warren: You know what homophobia really means about you, don’t you?
Andrew: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on that ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Warren: Or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept blowing up.
Andrew: Scully wants me so bad.
Buffy: Who are you?
Andrew: Andrew. I summoned the flying monkeys that attacked the high school. (Buffy looks at him blankly) During the play. You know . . .
(Buffy looks at Willow. They both shrug)
Warren: He's Tucker's brother.
Jonathan: Yeah, he's Tucker's brother.
Buffy/Willow: Ohhh.
Andrew: Shut up, Jerkathan! See this? This is why we get the jet packs and all you get is left behind.
Jonathan: So you admit it.
Andrew: Why not? You were out of the Trio a long time ago . . . in a galaxy far, far away and you wanna know why, little feller? No respect for the chain of command.
Jonathan: Yeah, look how far it's gotten you, checking every hole in your sad little body for transmitters that don't exist.
Andrew: Oh, I'll find it if I have to check every hole in my body and yours!
Andrew (about Willow): You know - I could summon a demon to kill her.
Xander: And I could smack you so hard your eyeballs switch sockets.
Xander: And Willow'll make sure you two boneless chickens are skinless, too.
Andrew: Then what? You think your lil' witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck driving magic mamma! We've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa-burgers and not one of you bunch has the midiclorians to stop her.
(Xander stares at him)
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
Jonathan: Ow! Son of a bitch!
Andrew: Buttwipe!
Jonathan: I wasn't talking to you.
Andrew: Oh. Reflex.
Andrew: See, that's cool. How come he [Warren] gets to play with all the cool stuff?
Jonathan: Because I'm allergic to methane and you're still afraid of hot things?
Andrew: I know.
Jonathan: Besides, the tank kept making both of us tip over, remember?
Cordelia: I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale.
Anya: Done. (Nothing happens)
Cordelia: That would be cool! No, wait. I wish Buffy Summers had never been born.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair.
Anya: Done!
Cordelia: In fact, I wish all men except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind disappeared off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe...
Wesley: If I could just get something for the pain. It's rather a lot of pain, actually. Aspirin? If you would... Perhaps I could just be knocked unconscious.
Oz to Willow: There's something about you that's causing me to hug you. It's like I have no will of my own.
Buffy: If someone could just wake me when it's time to go to college, that'd be great.
Oz: Guys, take a moment to deal with this: - we survived.
Buffy: It was a hell of a battle!
Oz: Not the battle - high school. We're taking a moment. And we're done.
Xander: Well! School's done. That is so cool!
Willow: Why do demons even come here? I mean, don't they know how bad we are?
Willow: When did you get back?
Oz: Pretty much now.
Xander: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write.
Oz: Yeah, sorry.
Willow: When are you leaving?
Oz: Pretty much now.
Spike: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.
Spike: Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.
Amy: It's crazy, all the things that've happened since I went away.
Buffy: No kidding.
Amy: Snyder got eaten by a snake ... high school got destroyed...
Buffy: Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.
Amy: See? Head spinning. People getting frozen ... Willow's dating girls ... and did you hear about Tom and Nicole?!
Dawn: What time is it?
Tara: Almost seven. God, I just closed my eyes for a minute.
Dawn: And now there's cartoons. Plus, a mother of all night-wedgies.
Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me. Or I can just get on with my life.
Buffy: Good for you.
Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
Dracula: Very impressive hunt. Such power.
Buffy: That was no hunt. That was just another day on the job. Care to step up for some overtime?
Dracula: We're not going to fight.
Buffy: Do you know what a Slayer is?
Dracula: Do you?
Buffy: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Dracula.
Buffy: Get out!
Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I like that feeling.
Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and you lose.
Faith: You can't trust guys.
Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.
Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?
Buffy: It's over.
Spike: I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want.
Buffy: I know that. I do want you. Being with you ... makes things ... simpler. For a little while.
Spike: I don't call five hours straight a little while.
Buffy: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just ... being weak, and selfish...
Spike: Really not complaining here.
Buffy: ...and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry ... William.
Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?
Spike: No.
Harmony: Can I make him one?
Spike: No. On second thought, yes. Go make him a vampire. Take your time. Get Melanie and the kids, too.
Spike: Where have you been pet?
Drusilla: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth.
Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight?
Willow: Wednesdays, kinda beat...
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.
Buffy: Who are you?
Angel: Let's just say, I'm a friend.
Buffy: Yeah, maybe I don't want a friend.
Angel: I didn't say I was yours.
Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
Bartender: ID.
(Anya glares at him.)
Bartender: ID.
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Bartender: ID.
Anya: (sigh) Gimme a Coke.
Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, ‘huh?’
Buffy: Believe me when I say ‘uh-huh’.
Buffy: My brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels. It's pretty much ‘fire bad, tree pretty.’
Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
Xander: Xander. Is, is me. Hi.
Buffy: Um, thanks.
Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you.
Xander, to himself: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.
Buffy: 'Cause, it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little, little holes in his neck, and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, ooo?
Giles: I was afraid of this.
Buffy: Well, I wasn't! It's my first day! I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus.
Buffy's Mom: Are you going out tonight?
Buffy: Yeah, I'm going to a club.
Buffy's Mom: Oh. Will there be boys there?
Buffy: No, Mom. It's a nun club.
Buffy: What do you want?
Angel: The same thing you do.
Buffy: Okay. What do I want?
Angel: To kill them. To kill them all.
Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtle Wax. What I want is to be left alone!
Giles: This is madness! What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer! Lives depend upon you! I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, and instead of which you enslave yourself to this, this... cult?!
Buffy, wearing a cheerleader outfit: You don't like the colour?
Xander: What d'ya mean? We're a team! Aren't we a team?
Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!
Buffy: I just don't like putting you guys in danger.
Xander: Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
Buffy: Hi. How've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.
Buffybot: That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!
Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron
Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! Check out these babies. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality.
Buffy: I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were.
Buffy: We saved the world. I say we have to party.
Buffy: Are you crazy? You just don't sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk, you stomp, or... yodel.
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good.
Buffy: Do---do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
Buffy: I maybe dead but I'm still pretty.Which is morethen I can say for you.
Willow: Look, cookies. A very not-evil thing I did. Oatmeal?
Giles: Yes, very funny, they're chocolate chip. I can see them. I still need my glasses, though. You could be more specific and give me 20/20.
Willow to Buffy: Eat a cookie, ease my pain?
Buffy: Mmm. Better?
Willow: Well, baking lifts about 30% of my guilt, but only 7% of my inner turmoil. Guess that'll just take awhile.
Buffy: It'll happen.
Spike: Don't I get a cookie?
Buffy: No.
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
Buffy: That was the spell!!
Willow: Did I mention about the sorry part?
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix. As far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress of Pain" every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
Willow: I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.
Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up.
Buffy: Oh, are you guys going out?
Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.
Buffy: How come?
Willow: He stole my Barbie. We were five.
Buffy: Oh.
Willow: I I I don't actually date a whole lot... lately.
Buffy: Why not?
Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Buffy: It's not that bad!
Willow: No, it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.
Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately.
Willow: I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!
Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.
Willow: I just talked to Buffy, and yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, 'kay?
Willow: No, no, no. See, Xander's... I like his head. It's where you find his eyes and his hair and his adorable smile.
Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?
Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide?
Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this.
Giles: We'll all get our memory back, and it'll all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!
Giles: Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Spike: You don't suppose you and I ... we're not related, are we?
Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
Giles: (to Spike) And you do inspire a particular feeling of... familiarity and... disappointment. Older brother?
Spike: Father. Oh, God, how I must hate you.
Spike, finding a label on the inside of his suit jacket: 'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!
Randy (spike): I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Joan (Buffy): A vampire with a soul? Oh my God, how lame is that?
Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? 'Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea'?
Spike: What, your Mom doesn't know?
Joyce: Know what?
Buffy: That I'm, uh...in a band. A rock band...with Spike here.
Spike: Right. She plays the-the triangle...
Buffy: Drums.
Spike: Drums, yeah. She's hell on the old skins, you know.
Joyce: (to Spike) And what do you do?
Spike: Well I sing.
Willow: So, how did it go?
Xander: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.
Xander: You're considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-commital sentences?
Oz: Could be.
Wesley: The Council's orders are to concentrate on the…
Buffy: Orders. I don't think I'm going to be taking any more orders. Not from you, not from them.
Wesley: You can't turn your back on the Council.
Buffy: They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing.
Buffy: You read my diary? That is not OK. A diary is like a person's most private possession. You don't even know what I was writing about. Hunk can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when I said his eyes were penetrating, I meant bulging.
Angel: Buffy...
Buffy: A doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It stand for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student. And that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all...
Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear.
Buffy: Oh.
Xander: I still don't know why we had to come here to look up information on a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. ...I did not say that.
Xander: Nice. Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to (imitates Dracula's accent) leave you. And where'd you get that accent Sesame Street? One, two, three - three victims. Mwah, ha, ha, ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was... just jokin' around.
Xander: So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.
Spike: Whatcha doin', love?
Drusilla: I'm naming the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day.
Drusilla: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
Xander: Yep, vampires are real. A lot of 'em live in Sunnydale. Willow'll fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
WILLOW: You can't stop this.
XANDER: Yeah, I get that. It's just, where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end ... where else would I want to be?
WILLOW: (scornfully) Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?
XANDER: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but ... it seemed kinda cartoony.
WILLOW: Still making jokes.
XANDER: I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. And I know you're about to do something apocalyptically (glancing back at the statue) evil and stupid, and hey. (spreading out his arms) I still want to hang. You're Willow.
WILLOW: (angry) Don't call me that.
XANDER: First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love ... scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that.
WILLOW: (upset) You think I won't?
XANDER: It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.
WILLOW: (angry) Shut up.
XANDER: I love you
(willow throws a blast of magic at him, he falls)
XANDER: (panting) I ... love y-
WILLOW: Shut up!!
(willow throws another blast of magic at him, her powers getting are weaker, so he only stumbles)
XANDER: I love you, Willow.
WILLOW: Stop!
XANDER: I love you.
WILLOW: Stop.
(willow starts to cry)
XANDER: I love you.
(willow's hair goes back to its normal colour, and then xander and willow hug)
