January 16th 2004

--Freewrite in school on tuesday.--
--I have highest respect for it, almost the best thing i've ever written. In my view, at this moment.--


Sometimes you scare me.
and I forget what it's like to be with a man.
I become the child I really am,
scared to back away, only for an instant.
the feeling is gone. you're hovering above me once more.
I've returned from the burning hole of fear
where you run your rough hands over my body,
saying those things that make me jump inside with desire.
but yet once more, for a flash of a second,
I become afraid again.
you say, "look, you're shaking...well that's a good thing."
No...
that's trembling, my dear.
I wish I were shaking. convulsions reverberating throughout my body from the pleasure you bring,
but, I have to say,
it's not.

I want to say I love you, but I don't.
don't love you that is.
I want not to be afraid even for seconds, second that last endless days after that is.
Images of you, your body, me, together, light, heat, pain, in, out, soft,
entwined bodies, flesh to flesh, thrusting, you at me, out, pushing you, your stomach, back, nails digging deeper,
my hands pushing you away, out.

Your cautiousness stains my memory.

this is all we'll ever be, I'll be, you'll be.
and I'll keep the smell of your hair, in my face afterwards, with me forever.
I believe you forget who I am sometimes.
I try not to make age matter, but when fear arises,
I become aware of the power of the word twenty-nine.
if I didn't care,
I wouldn't stare,
at you, above me.
the way you are when you're with me.
I become blinded by your light when we're in the moment.
I don't listen to my twinges.
I ignore initial flashes that kill me later.
I deny their existance until they're right in my face and it's suddenly a red light:
"GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!!"
I scream for them to leave,
so they decrease in their persistance.
and I let more of you in....

I try to ignore the pain, but it's shooting straight through me...can't give up...be strong...
It doesn't hurt, I tell myself.
at least you're caring enough to aknowledge my pain, even if I can't.
a faint, "Does that hurt?" softly falls upon my ear..
it's you asking me a question I can't seem to find the answer to.
Without thinking a nod and an unexpected "yeah" escapes from my quivering lips.
you above, instantly wake up from your fantasy.
this is reality. I am in pain. you knew it, but didn't want to believe.
somehow expected a reluctant "no, honey" from the body lieing beneath you.

your best is not good enough.
there is no way i will be at that level with you tonight.
nothing you do,
can decrease the pain, if you want to continue.
so now, I wonder, i'm still trying to conclude,
if it was eevr worth it?

well, I know it was.
when you smile, your light, the glow within you warms me over.
the smell of you, lying next to me, holding me,
capturing, freeing, spinning, swallowing me.
corrupting, tearing, enveloping me.
all the while ensuing me, and my dreams.
deep breathing, with me. flowing through me
I can feel you. like we're one. but we're not.
your beautiful skin meshes as we swirl, spoon, twirl, swoon.
I want to say I love you, but I don't.
because I love your hands.
I don't know what that means,
How can I LOVE HANDS???


© Copyright. Bob Young. 2004.