What is with all these morons out there with their dogs and cats? These animals do nothing for you! What you need is a monkey. This is one of the only reasons you have Asian friends, because they can get you monkey pets from Chinatown. You can get ANYTHING from Chinatown. Man, if I had a monkey, it would solve so many problems (not that I have that many to begin with) like annoying people talking to you and trying to be your friend. My monkey could spot these people and kill them before they could do any damage. He would be so awesome! For one thing, I wouldn’t give him some shitty name like Rover or Mittens. My monkey would be named Space Cowboy Jackson. That way, he could either wear a cowboy hat OR an astronauts helmet. And he’d never be on a leash or any type of get up like that. 
Space Cowboy Jackson would be free to attack whoever he wants, whenever he pleases. Oh man! He would kick so much ass PLUS he’s a monkey. That would double his ass kicking status. Monkeys also have hands instead of paws which means, that they cannot only get shit for you, but they can also claw at people and throw things. WOW!
There are all these people saying that having a monkey is illegal and other crap like that but who listens to these garbage collecting whores anyway? They all need to die. Bottom line, get a monkey as a pet and stop being such a worthless piece of trash.
