You know your mom is sneaking up
on you because
you can hear her chanclas on the linoleum
floor.
Your mother yells at the top of
her lungs to
call you to dinner and you only live in a one
bedroom apartment.
You can get to your house
blindfolded by the
smell of the frijoles.
You light a candle the night of
the Lotto
drawing.
You get scared whenever someone
mentions "La
Llorrona" or "El
Cucuuuuiii" (el chupacabras for gen-x
latinos)
You have gone to the Pulga or
Swapmeet every
weekend for years. (Two points if you
actually
enjoy it!)
You Go to a function and judge
the women's
fashions (wearing a sequence butterfly print
top
you got from the pulga.)
You have gone to Tia's house and
passed
through the beaded curtain in the living
room.
You step into a house that has
all those
little figurines taking up every inch of
space
on/under the TV and you have a porcelain cat,
dog,
fat mariachi or elephant in your livingroom.
You have plastic slipcovers on
your sofas.
You swear "Choco Milk" is the
same as Slim Fast
and try to lose weight by drinking it. (5
extra
points if you use Powdered Milk)
You have a perpetually drunk
uncle.
You're still afraid to open that
umbrella in
your house.
You know at least one person in
your family
named Maria, Carlos, Papo, Juan, Jose, Tony,
Tito
or Luis.
You not only know who Don
Francisco from
Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's
your
tio.
Your mother, tia or hermana's
hair is
blackcherry, "Sun in" red or a burgundy that
would
make Celia Cruz jealous.
You always try to find out what town another
fellow
Latino's family is from.
You call: rug -carpeta; roof -
rufo; parking -
parking, libreria instead of biblioteca- or
to
knock - knockiar and chips-ruffles, Fruity
Pebbles-
Corn Flakes.
You have ever had to -beepiar- a
friend on their
pager.
You wear your Sunday best to do
laundry at the
laundry-mat and go grocery shopping.
You have told your kid not to
walk the floor
barefoot or they'll catch a cold.
Your tia Cuca thinks that silver
banana clips
are on Vogue's hot list for hair.
You go to a wedding or
Quiencienera, gossip
about how bad the comida is, but be the first
to take a plato to go.
You drink all beer with limon and
salt. (Two
extra points for a splash of Tapatio)
Your sister has more mustache
hair than your
father.
One of your aunts or your mom
weighs
over 300
pounds.
You have a bottle of Tapatio in
your purse.
Your cousins are
delinquents/hootchies.
You have a chola in your barrio
named "La Flaca:
who's bigger than a house.
You think Cristina beats Oprah
any day.
Your uncle owns more gold than
that jewelry shop
down the street.
You have your country's flag
hanging from your
rear view mirror.
You have a cousin named "Guero"
who's darker
than night.
You know a chola named "La Shy
Girl" who is
loud and obnoxious.
Your mom made you put lettuce
under your bed the
night before Three King's Day so that the
camels
had something to eat and they leave you a
gift in
return.
Your family never lets you forget
the day you
missed Mother's Day.
You need to point out how much
something you
just bought cost.
You can dance merengue, cumbias
and salsa
without music.
You go to at least 3 weddings a
year.
You use manteca instead of olive
oil and can't
figure out why your ass is getting bigger.
You dread those boring stays with
family in the
-campo-.
You just can't imagine anyone not
liking Spanish
food.
You go to a white friends house
for dinner and
don't understand the concept of sitting at a
table.
You've tried to bring a mango
back to the US
from Mexico, and get a bonus point if you
actually
made it all the way home with it.
You have sat in a two-passenger
car with over
seven people in it.
You have a bottle of Bacardi or
Tequila in your
house right now.
You have a picture of
-Jesucristo- in your
house.
You have at least TWO statues of
saints in
your house (and a bonus point if one of them
La
Virgen de Guadalupe).
You go to Church on
Easter,Christmas and New
Years just to see what everyone is wearing
and find
out all the latest chisme.
You're an adult and you're still
forced to be
with your family at 12 midnight on New Years
Eve.
You walk around saying
-chacho-,-chacha-,-ay
bendito- or Buey-.
You get another's attention by
saying "chhh
chhh" or"Pssssst."
You drive a Cheby- (Chevy),an
-Ohsmobeel-
(Oldsmobile) or a Bolswahgon
(VolksWagon)
You call your sneakers -tenis- .
Your car has fifteen speakers in
it and you fix
it every weekend.
You have at
least thirty
cousins.
You start clapping when your plane lands
on the
runway.
And last, but not least...
Your grandmother thinks she has the
miracle
cure for everything.
