I Will Survive (College Version)"
How to Write a College Paper
You might be a college student if…
Before I Came to College I Wish I Had Known...
College Habits You can Bring Home
At first I was afraid
Now I'm petrified
That I just can't keep my GPA
of two point five.
I spent all those stupid nights...
I was just chilling way too long
And that was wrong
But now I know I must be strong
And now they're back
They're in my face
I've got 3 finals and 2 papers
to be done in just five days!
I should never have gone out
And I should never have partied
'Cause now all this work I have
It's all piling up on me!
And I must go
to the libraryo
To do research on those papers
And study harder than before
It's hell, I'll tell you that
and you know it's not a lie
But I can't crumble
I can't lay down and die
Oh no not I!
I will survive!
If I keep a 2 point O
At least I'll be alive!
I've got five more days to live
and I think my brain will give
But I'll survive!
I will survive!
-Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
-Check your email.
-Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
-Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
-Check your email.
-Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class.
-If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those
irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
-When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
-Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
-Check your email.
-You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
-Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
-Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
-Listen to the other side.
-Check your email.
-Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
-Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
-Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
-Make yourself a power snack.
-Check your email.
-Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something big this weekend.
-When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any news report involving the President
-Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.
-Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
-Discuss the finer points of the plot.
-Check your email.
-Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
-Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
-Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
-Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
-Check your email.
-Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
-Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
-Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
-Lie face down on the floor and moan.
-Check your email.
-Leap up and write the paper.
-Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
-Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that damn paper.
- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep
right through it
Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
- that I would change so much and barely realize it
- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways
- that college kids throw airplanes, too
- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed
up
- that every clock on campus shows a different time
- that if you were smart in high school - so what?
- that I would go to a party the night before a final
- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put
together
- that you can know everything and fail a test
- that you can know nothing and ace a test
- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie
- that home is a great place to visit
- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes
- that friendship is more than getting drunk together
- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about
- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50
- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination
- that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry,
chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math
- that it is a really good idea to go places alone
- that it's possible to be alone even when you're surrounded by friends
- that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!
- don't be dismayed at good-byes
- a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again,
after moments or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.
College Habits You can Bring Home
Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.
Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
Use your calling card when calling your friends.
Walk to the post office to get your mail.
Yell "FLUSH!"
Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.
Take all your shower items to and from your room.
Get dressed in the dark.
Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
Order pizza every Friday night.
Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a
room by yourself.
Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too
much extra space.
Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss
them.
Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go
out.
Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
withdrawal).
Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay
phone in the house.