I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I plan to live forever. So far, so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage was outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.