Hmmmmmmm, I wonder if I stuck this Barbie in Zac’s face, he would start licking it or something. If I got that on video, I could blackmail him anytime......Well, It’s worth a try, I thought, picking one of Jessica or Avery’s Barbie’s up.
I walked back into my own room, where Zac was still asleep and stuck the Barbie in his face, waiting for him to do something.
He did nothing for a long time. Then he woke of and jumped about three feet upon seeing something that close to his face.
“You undeniable Scandinavian bastard! Get that Barbie away from me!” he screamed.
“Oh my God!” I exclaimed, running out of the room.
I ran into my parents’ room and cried, “Mom! Zac’s being racist!”
“What did he say?”
“He called me a Scandinavian bastard!”
“Oh my Lord!”
She stormed into my room and asked, “Zachary! Were you making fun of your bother for being Scandinavian?”
“No!”
“He says you were.”
“He’s a lying Scandinavian bastard!”
“Taylor? Were you lying to me?”
“He just called me a Scandinavian bastard again!”
“But, Honey, you are Scandinavian.”
“But, that’s racism! He implied being Scandinavian was a bad thing!”
“Zachary? Were you implying that your brother’s race was a shameful thing?”
“No!”
“He says you were.”
“Well he’s a lying Scandinavian bastard and can fuck off!”
“Taylor, fuck off,” she instructed calmly and with an even voice. “Now that this dispute is settled, I’ll go back to watching television.”
“Tay? Isaac? I kind of have something serious to talk to you guy about...” Zac called us over.
Tay wandered over and sat down on his bed. I sat next to him. and asked, “What?”
Zac stood over us and confessed, “I’ve got Hepatitis B.”
“Hepatitis B!” I exclaimed.
“Oh my God! Hepatitis B!” Taylor shrieked. He hugged Zac tight. “How long do you have to live?”
“What in the hell is wrong with you?” Zac asked him. “It’s not as if it’s going to kill me or anything!”
“It’s not?”
“Do you even know what Hepatitis B is?”
“Yes!”
“Then what is it?”
“No.”
“Didn’t think so. It’s a disease that doesn’t kill you.”
I put in, “It’s an STD.”
“Oh my God! An STD!” Taylor shrieked. He hugged Zac tight. “You poor helpless child! You didn’t do anything to deserve this disease! And you were just a random victim, huh?”
“What the hell?”
“Uh, nevermind.”
“Do you even know what an STD is?” I asked him.
“Yes!”
“Then what is it?”
“An, uh, Serious but Treatable Disease?”
“No. A Sexually Transmitted Disease. But you got the last word!”
Taylor’s eyes shot open. “Oh my God! You’ve been having sex! Mom and Dad are gonna be pissed!”
“Mom might be, but I think Dad already figured it out. I mean, I did live with my girlfriend for, like, a year!”
“You mean you two did it when you lived together!?”
“What did you think we were doing? Playing ring around the rosy?”
“How did you know!?”
“Nevermind, Tay. Anyway, I didn’t even get it that way!”
“It’s an STD. What do you think?”
“I’ve never been at risk. I’ve always used condoms, and they’ve never broken. And I’ve never shared needles. The only way left is if Mom gave it to me when she was pregnant, and then all you guys must have it too.”
“Oh my God!” Taylor screamed.
“Unless she caught it after Tay and before me, then you guys wouldn’t have it, but me and the kids would.”
“Not Zoe,” Taylor breathed.
“Yes Zoe you buttmunch!”
“But she’s just a baby.”
“I was just a baby when I caught it!”
“Well that was different.”
“How?”
“We didn’t know you had it.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Now, what are we going to do about Zoe?”
“Shut the fuck up! No one gives a fuck about Zoe!”
Mom ran into the room and cried, “Did someone just say something about my baby?”
“Taylor did, Mama,” Zac told her. “That Scandinavian bastard.”
“Taylor! You’re grounded for a month!”
“But I didn’t say it! Zac did!”
“Well too bad, you’re a Scandinavian bastard and I don’t believe a word you say!”
“But, Mom! That’s racist!”
“You’re grounded for two months!”
“Why!?”
“You’re calling me racist!”
“But you are!”
“And you’re grounded for four months!”
“Why four!?”
“Mouthing off, and being Scandinavian!”
“You can’t ground me for being Scandinavian!”
“Five months!”
“What for!?”
“Saying I can’t do something which I obviously can do, because I just did!”
“Dad! Mom grounded me for being Scandinavian!”
“Shut up you Scandinavian bastard!”
Tay looked confused and wandered off shaking his head and muttering something about how Scandinavian people shouldn’t be prejudiced against Scandinavian people and it just wasn’t right.
“That half-witted Scandinavian,” I muttered.
