As I walked past the City Middle School, I noticed that some dudes were shoving another dude through the door.
As I watched, I realied that the dude being shoved in the school was Stone Cold Steve Austin, and the dudes shoving him in there were the Undertaker and various others.
They continued further into the school and I crept in after them, watching. They proceeded to shove Stone Cold in the gym and put a chain and padlock on it. Undertaker paid the other guys, and they dispersed.
“Cambridge?”
“Yeah?”
“I still don’t understand how you got pregnant. I mean, we used a condom every time.”
“Not that one time, after Heather’s rave.”
“I never went to Heather’s rave.”
“Taylor! You’ll never believe what I just saw!”
“What?” he asked in a bored tone.
“Undertaker and some other guys locking Stone Cold Steve Austin in City Middle gym!”
“Uh huh.”
“I did!”
I thought fast. He was right. That had been Zac Hanson. Damn it! But, I compensated. “Oh yeah! It was Fiona’s rave! Not Heather’s!”
“Oh. Well, that makes sense.”
“Why should I help you rescue an imaginary pro wrestler from City Middle gym?”
“He’s not imaginary! He’s real!”
“I mean a pro wrestler that’s not there.”
“He is there!”
“Okay, let’s just make believe for a moment that he’s not.”
“Okay. Well, because you have nothing better to do.”
“Oh. Well, okay.”
“Cool. I’ll call Zac and see if he wants to help.”
Caleb walked into the kitchen to find Brandon and Sam laying on the floor, soaked, and covered with what looked like whipped cream.
"Hey guys," he casually acknowledged.
He stepped over them to the fridge, grabbed some cheap generic orange juice, and waited for Brandon to finish cleaning Sam’s face off with his tongue- apparently she had just done the same and he was returning the favour- before continuing to step over them again and go back to watching Sesame Street.
The phone rang. I was watching Blue’s Clues. Someone was calling me while I was watching Blue’s Clues. That pissed me off.
I picked up the phone and screamed, “Fuck off! I’m watching Blue’s Clues you mother fucker!”
Ike walked back into the room and informed me, “He’s watching Blue’s Clues. I’ll call back later.”
A few minutes later, when the sacred television program was over, I called Zac back.
“’lo?”
“Hey Zac. Tay and I have a proposition for you.”
“Sounds cool,” I replied to Ike’s request for help in setting Stone Cold free. “When are we meeting to plan stuff?”
“There’s no real set thing yet.”
“Oh.Cool. Why don’t you and Tay come over here and we can plan and drink ice cold beer while Caty waits on us hand and foot and brings us new beers whenever we finish one?”
“Sure! We’ll be right over!”
“Hey Tay! We’re going over to Zac’s house to plan and drink ice cold beer while Cate waits on us hand and foot!” Ike announced to me.
“No way. I have plans.”
“What plans?”
“Sydney’s coming over. We’ll probably have sex.”
“Oh. Well, in that case, come over when you’re done.”
Somewhere along the line, Zac and I got bored of waiting for Tay and decided to wander over to Drug Mart and hang out there for a while.
I sat with my eyes trained attentitively on Blue’s Clues. Justin handed me the joint. I took a draw off it and passed it to Sydney.
“Blue scadoo, we can too!” we all sang along in unison.
“Hey, Zac, look!” Ike exclaimed, pointing to a display of toilet cleaning utensils.
I looked at them. “Yeah?”
“Isn’t that display cool?”
“Uh, it’s for toilet related products.”
“Yeah, but the display’s so cool!” He bent close to me and conspiritorially asked “Wanna steal it?”
“No!”
“Damn.”
“Hey Ike!” I heard Zac call.
I spun around to look at him.
“Catch!”
He chucked an economy pack of generic Drug Mart brand condoms at my head. I caught them and glared at him, then threw them back at his head.
He caught them and cried, “Ike, go long!”
“My shoe?” Steve asked.
“No you mother fucker! A clue!” I screamed at the imbasol.
“Yeah!” Brandon echoed, “You’re a stupid ass bastard!”
Savannah pitched in, “Because you suck!”
Caleb walked into the room, holding the phone, not looking very pleased. “Brandon, Sydney, Sam, Justin, Savannah, may I have words with you?”
We all looked at him as if we didn’t understand. Brandon did the only thing that seemed appropriate.
He held out the joint we were currently sharing and asked, “Want some pot?”
“The lasting impression that I would like to leave upon you young men, is that it is never ‘okay’ to play tackle football in Drug Mart,” the fat old manager dude babbled, “But it is especially not okay to do so utilizing a package of the store’s own trustworthy condoms.”
“Yessir.”
“And, young man,” he added, directing his attention fully on me, “Although it bears no price tag, stealing a shopping cart is still illegal.”
“Well, nobody told me that.”
“You’re supposed to know thigs like this!”
“I’m only twelve!”
“By twelve you should have realized that shopping carts are not ‘freebies!’”
Chapter Twenty-Seven Back to the Chapters
