I was laying on my bed and just staring up at the ceiling, listening to my brother Caleb and some of his friends partying on the roof. The house had a section of roof, about 5’ by 20’ and over the veranda that you could climb out the window to get to, and another section about 15’ by 15’ that was about 3’ higher, over the second story bathroom, and not hard to get to from the first. . It was a four story house, but the second story bathroom and the kitchen it was over had nothing over them. I definitely would have joined them if I hadn’t still had a hang over from the night before.
I heard an unfamiliar voice call out, “Could you please keep it down?”
“Hey, baby,” I heard one of the guys answer.
I dragged myself up into a sitting position and swung my legs over the side of my bed. I stood up and, begrudgingly, went to see who the chick in our drive way was.
I walked all the way down the four flights of stairs to the side door and opened it. I saw a very pretty blonde girl and another blonde girl that had similar features but was sort of masculine looking in build. I looked the prettier one up and down. My agent, Sali (pronounced Sally) would be happy to know about this. The girl’s hair just fell straight down and was cut off bluntly, but with a sort of longish bob that curled under a little at her jaws, and some make-up, this chick could have a career in modelling. Then I noticed that the mystery chick was completely flat. I mentally threw in, ‘and a padded bra with an underwire.’
I walked over to the two girls and standing next to the pretty one, who was closer to the door, I yelled, “Whoever the hell that was, shut the fuck up!”
“Hey, baby,” the same guy answered.
“Damn it! Stop hitting on my sister!” Caleb yelled. “And get the fuck out of my house!”
Then, in his drunken state, while trying to leave through the window, the guy slipped and rolled off the roof. He landed on his side, in a pile of leaves. Groaning, he pulled himself up, and left on foot.
Half a block down the street he realised that he had left his Chevrolet parked outside of the house.
After doing my job, I turned and walked back to the house. Soon the girls from across the street went back to their home.
“What in the fuck is that!?” I screamed as my girlfriend walked through the door of the garage, carrying a huge flower pot about as big as a dog house. Besides it’s size, it looked normal. It was just an average flower pot times fifty. But besides that, it had some sort of a tree in it.
“It’s an orange tree,” she replied calmly.
“Well, at least let me help you with it!” Cambridge was one strong girl. She could lift three hundred pounds. It still astounded me. But I knew that size and shape mattered. Something long, wide, and flat, though five pounds, might be far harder to lift than a little, quarter sized object that weighed fifty pounds.
And Cambridge was in the process of loosing her grip on the tree thing. I ran over there and grabbed the side she didn’t have. It was heavier than I had expected. But soon Cambridge took most of the weight, and I was just there to hold the other side up. She was, technically, carrying it on her own, but if I let go, she would probably drop it. It was confusing, but true.
We set it down near the row of windows in the large door. “Now,” I continued, “Why in the hell would you bring a tree in a pot home?”
“It’s cool,” she answered with a shrug.
“Dear God,” I muttered.
I was at the movies with Isaac. We were sitting in the back row, making out. I was actually enjoying myself, although I hadn’t thought that I would at first. Isaac was a nice guy. He was really cool if you could get past the strong resemblance to a goat.
About half an hour later, the movie was over. “What do you say we get Chinese?” he suggested after we stood up and stretched.
“I don’t have any money. I don’t get an allowance anymore.”
“Oh. Well, I can pay.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
I was just laying around the house sulking about Marie and trying to get some pity out these “family” people. But they didn’t even notice me, how rude. I decided it would be a good idea to call Dana. I picked up the phone, punched in two digits, and.......shit! Dana’s out with Ike! Damn! Does nobody care?
After our date was over, I drove Dana home.
“Ike, you don’t have to walk me to the door, you know, to avoid awkward meeting-of-the-parents.” she said to me when I was about to open up the door on my side.
“Okay, sure” I said, leaning over to kiss her. She kissed me back and hopped out of the car.
Hmmmmm, I wonder how much it would hurt to put a knife through my heart? I thought. Uh, probably too much.
Maybe I could just slit my wrists and bleed to death. No, If I won’t put a knife through my heart, I won’t do that.
I’ve heard that it hardly hurts to die of an Aspirin overdose. No, I’ve also heard you throw up your guts. And I’m not willing to just find out.
I could jump off of a building..............No, it would probably hurt too much. And I might not die for a while. That guy that fell off the neighbors’ roof didn’t even get hurt very badly, and it was a two story drop. Hell knows whether or not I’d die on impact jumping off a six story court house.
Zac walked through the door, and I asked him almost immediately, “Hey, Zac! What’s one way to die painlessly?”
“Freezing to death.”
“Damn it Zac! You can’t self induce freezing!”
“Can too! I read in a tabloid that four Russian scientists froze themselves, and one went to hell, one went to heaven, one didn’t die, and one didn’t come back to life.”
I just sunk back into the couch. He was no help. All he ever did was read tabloids and report to me what they said.
I heard the door open. Ike walked into the parlor. For some reason unknown to me, I was really interested in how his date with Dana had been.
“Hey Ike, how’d it go? You score?” I asked him excitedly.
“No! Pervert! Why- never mind, I don’t wanna know. But, over all, I had fun, and I’m pretty sure she did too.” Ike replied.
“In other words, you guys did it, and your covering for her.” I assumed.
“Taylor you dumbass! God, yourauburn. Just...just...shut up!” he shot back before leaving the room.
“He screwed her,” I concluded aloud.
“Zac, Zac, wake up! Zac!” I could hear my girlfriend whispering in a tone that implied volume.
“Whaaaaaa?”
“Come on! Drug Mart threw away a bunch of perfectly good stuff in their dumpster again! We better get back there before that homeless freak-woman gets to it!”
“Damn it, Cambridge! Leave me alone!”
“Zac! Please!” she whined. She started laying kisses on my neck, right under my left ear.
“Come on. Get up,” she urged me.
“Alright, hold on a second.”
“Thank you!” she exclaimed, then threw her arms around me. “Have I reminded you how much I love you recently?”
“No. I haven’t gotten any in three days. You’ve been on a business trip, shall we say. ”
“Weeeeeeeell, you’re getting some as soon as we get back. Now, the sooner you get up, the sooner we get the food, and the sooner we get back.”
I got up hurriedly and threw some jeans and a T-shirt on over my silk flying geese boxers.
“Good.”
I grabbed Cambridge’s hand and practically ran all seven blocks to Drug Mart. “Ooooooh! Honey, look! All this milk only expired yesterday!” Cambridge exclaimed excitedly, before picking up a gallon jug in each hand.
“Cambridge, need I remind you that we don’t have a refrigerator?”
“Weeeeeeeeell, we can get one.”
“Weeeeeeeeell, just where are we going to get a refrigerator before this milk spoils? Huh? You just spent your life’s savings on that damn tree.” I asked, mimicking her Canadian pronunciation of ‘well.’
“Hey! I like the tree!”
“Whatever,” I muttered under my breathe. Then, out loud, “Well, we still don’t have a refrigerator.”
“Uh, can we get one the next time they leave some lying around behind Sears?”
“Sure. We’ll get one then,” I told her, figuring that that wouldn’t be happening for a while, and not wanting to get her pissed off, considering I hadn’t gotten any in three days.
“Cool! Let’s go!” she exclaimed, dragging me off.
I thought it was pretty cool that she was so gung-ho about it, but I didn’t think the physical dragging was quite necessary. It turns out that we were going to Sears.
Chapter Six Back to the Chapters
