A lady walks into an Ice Cream Parlor and asks "could I please have a gallon of chocolate ice cream?" The salesman replies, "I'm sorry miss, we just sold our last gallon of chocolate ice cream a few minutes ago. Could I interest you in another flavor?" So the lady replies, "Ok then, I'll just have a quart of chocolate ice cream" The salesman replies, "I'm sorry. We don't have any chocolate ice cream." The lady then asks "all right, then could I have a just a pint of chocolate ice cream?" Again the salesman responds angrier this time "i'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate ice cream" So the lady says "Fine, I'll just have a cone of chocolate ice cream." "Listen lady!" he yells. "How do you spell VAN in VANilla?" "V-A-N" she spells. "How do you spell STRAW in STRAWberry?" "S-T-R-A-W" she again spells. "And how do you spell FUCK in chocolate?" She thinks for a minute and says "There is no FUCK in chocolate" "EXACTLY!" *Don't Speak* Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" *Punk Parrot Boy* One day an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with the red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. The kid looks at him and says, "what you staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?" The old guy replies, "Yeah I fucked a parrot once I was just wondering if you were my kid?" Mistaken Drunk A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." *Things To Ponder* *Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? *Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? *Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? *Do clowns wear really big socks? *Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? *Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? *How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? *If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? * If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain? *If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? *If God dropped acid, would he see people? *If I save time, when do I get it back? * If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of? * If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? *If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it? *If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? * If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? *If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? *If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? *If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? *If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? *Sexual harassment at work—is it a problem for the self-employed? *The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get? *What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes? *What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil? *What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass? *What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? *When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress? *Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? *Why can't we tickle ourselves? *Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends? *Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? *Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?" **Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? **You can't have everything...where would you put it? **When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?**Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?**If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"**What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?**Can fat people go skinny-dipping?**If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?**Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?**Why is bra singular and panties plural?**If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?**If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?**What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?**Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?**Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?**Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?**What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?**Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?**Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?**If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?**If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?**Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?**Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?**If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?**If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors**Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Insults *A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. *A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. *After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest. *Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! *Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. *Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion? *Are your parents siblings? *As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? *At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! *Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up. *Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit? *Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner. *Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing! *Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. *Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation? *Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid? *Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? *Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you? *Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. *Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match. *Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure. *Don't think, it may sprain your brain! *Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull? *Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you? *Don't you need a license to be that ugly? *Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down. *Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. *Has the IQ of lint. *He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly. *He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory. *He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. *He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. *He is living proof that man can live without a brain! *A ROMANTIC POEM-REDNECK STYLE* Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue, And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits! And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me, back in '74. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can. Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd. Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together; like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor *A FEW MORE THOUGHTS* *I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat. *They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good. *A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit. *Now they're advertising breathable panty liners. You know some man invented that product. No woman would be inventing a panty liner and putting little holes in there. She'd put little tongues in there. *They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning with resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die." *The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him. *Gay, straight...they all want blow jobs. *The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job. *My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!" *I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day! *I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches or 34 years can fit into that shit. *"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" *I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. *On my Job Application it said: In case of emergency notify . . . I wrote down - DOCTOR ! (what the hell is my mother going to do)? *I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. *If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, then what happens if you drop a cat with toast strapped on its back? *The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" *I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast . . . and stick it out the window. *A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing that my foot is on . . . It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it . . . . ." *Limericks* *There was an inventor named Green . . . Who invented a sex machine! Concave and convex, To suit either sex, And remarkably easy to clean. *There once was a bandit named Blair . . . Who laid an old maid on the stair. The bannister broke . . . so he doubled his stroke . . . And finished her off in mid-air. *There once was a dame from Cape Cod . . . Who thought all good things came from God. But it were'nt the allmighty . . . Who lifted her nighty . . . T'was Roger the lodger, by God. *The Lazy Husband A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" *The Five Kinds of Sex The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in the court. Sign My SlamBook! View My SlamBook! Home Email: payneashley@hotmail.com
A lady walks into an Ice Cream Parlor and asks "could I please have a gallon of chocolate ice cream?" The salesman replies, "I'm sorry miss, we just sold our last gallon of chocolate ice cream a few minutes ago. Could I interest you in another flavor?" So the lady replies, "Ok then, I'll just have a quart of chocolate ice cream" The salesman replies, "I'm sorry. We don't have any chocolate ice cream." The lady then asks "all right, then could I have a just a pint of chocolate ice cream?" Again the salesman responds angrier this time "i'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate ice cream" So the lady says "Fine, I'll just have a cone of chocolate ice cream." "Listen lady!" he yells. "How do you spell VAN in VANilla?" "V-A-N" she spells. "How do you spell STRAW in STRAWberry?" "S-T-R-A-W" she again spells. "And how do you spell FUCK in chocolate?" She thinks for a minute and says "There is no FUCK in chocolate" "EXACTLY!"
*Don't Speak* Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
*Punk Parrot Boy* One day an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with the red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him. The kid looks at him and says, "what you staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?" The old guy replies, "Yeah I fucked a parrot once I was just wondering if you were my kid?"
Mistaken Drunk A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
*Things To Ponder* *Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? *Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? *Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? *Do clowns wear really big socks? *Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? *Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? *How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? *If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? * If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain? *If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? *If God dropped acid, would he see people? *If I save time, when do I get it back? * If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of? * If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? *If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it? *If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? * If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? *If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? *If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? *If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? *If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? *Sexual harassment at work—is it a problem for the self-employed? *The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get? *What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes? *What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil? *What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass? *What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? *When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress? *Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? *Why can't we tickle ourselves? *Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends? *Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? *Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?" **Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? **You can't have everything...where would you put it? **When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?**Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?**If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"**What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?**Can fat people go skinny-dipping?**If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?**Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?**Why is bra singular and panties plural?**If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?**If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?**What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?**Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?**Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?**Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?**What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?**Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?**Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?**If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?**If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?**Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?**Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?**If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?**If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors**Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Insults *A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. *A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. *After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest. *Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! *Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. *Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion? *Are your parents siblings? *As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? *At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! *Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up. *Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit? *Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner. *Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing! *Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. *Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation? *Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid? *Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? *Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you? *Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. *Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match. *Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure. *Don't think, it may sprain your brain! *Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull? *Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you? *Don't you need a license to be that ugly? *Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down. *Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. *Has the IQ of lint. *He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly. *He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory. *He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. *He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. *He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
*A ROMANTIC POEM-REDNECK STYLE* Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue, And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flappin' in the breeze. Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop, right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven! Plumb outta my wits! And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me, back in '74. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can. Yore as strong as a four-wheeler, racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger, named Naomi Judd. Yore as cute as a junebug, a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like no far ant, upon which I oft' tread. Cut from the best pattern, like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life, like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight, like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old, like a '57 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks, and let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together; like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate, for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day From the cooler at Kroger; "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds, from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds; It's a new trollin' motor
*A FEW MORE THOUGHTS* *I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat. *They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good. *A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills - she had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit. *Now they're advertising breathable panty liners. You know some man invented that product. No woman would be inventing a panty liner and putting little holes in there. She'd put little tongues in there. *They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning with resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die." *The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him. *Gay, straight...they all want blow jobs. *The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job. *My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!" *I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day! *I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches or 34 years can fit into that shit. *"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" *I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. *On my Job Application it said: In case of emergency notify . . . I wrote down - DOCTOR ! (what the hell is my mother going to do)? *I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. *If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, then what happens if you drop a cat with toast strapped on its back? *The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" *I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast . . . and stick it out the window. *A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing that my foot is on . . . It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it . . . . ."
*Limericks* *There was an inventor named Green . . . Who invented a sex machine! Concave and convex, To suit either sex, And remarkably easy to clean. *There once was a bandit named Blair . . . Who laid an old maid on the stair. The bannister broke . . . so he doubled his stroke . . . And finished her off in mid-air. *There once was a dame from Cape Cod . . . Who thought all good things came from God. But it were'nt the allmighty . . . Who lifted her nighty . . . T'was Roger the lodger, by God.
*The Lazy Husband A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
*The Five Kinds of Sex The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you've got to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in the court.
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