::Mirror::
by Ashley Brooke Payne
The tiles on the bathroom floor were cold. But it felt nice. She needed the hotness to leave her body. She wanted to be rid of it all. All of the pain and agony. All the fear and deceit. She just wanted to die. Her eyes were closing involuntarily and her breathing was becoming lighter. She watched as the blood surrounded her. The warmness flowed out from her and it felt nice for a while. Then things became cold and it was hard for her to breathe. 'So this is what dying feels like.' she thought. And her mind drifted back to only minutes before...
The razor fit in her hand perfectly. Like it was molded to fit her fist. She grasped it like it was her last breath of air and that any moment it might disappear. The blade was so shiny and hypnotic that she was entranced by it momentarily. She closed her eyes and put the blade to her left wrist. She drew in a breath and cut deeply into her arm. It burned at first, very badly, then it was like a sweet release. She then cut her right wrist. She opened her eyes and watched the blood run from her wrists, she watched it drop to the bathroom floor and she smiled to herself. She thought about all the events that had drove her over the edge. Her best friend's betrayal, her boyfriend's apathy, her parent's pressure, work, school. She had felt like she couldn't breathe, like her heart was about to explode and she couldn't think straight.
She lifted her head up and looked into the mirror. She was only sixteen but in this light she looked every bit like a 30 year old. She had dark circles beneath her eyes and lines above her brows. Her hair had began to fall out little by little and she was losing more weight that she could afford to lose. Everything hurt. Her teeth, her eyes, her brain, her heart...her soul. She couldn't place the pain, it had been a pain like she had never felt up until that moment. All she wanted was the world to disappear, for her mind to be completely clear for 5 minutes. She didn't want to hurt or feel sick or tired. She just wanted rest and this was the only way out.
She felt her blood draining for her and she knew she was about to pass out. She lay down on the white tiles and watched her blood pour swiftly. In that moment she thought 'I'm dying...this is beautiful...this is what I need.' Darkness, she was fading in and out of a black tunnel. She heard her mother scream but she couldn't speak to her, she couldn't even open her eyes to look at her. What seemed like an eternity later she heard the sirens. 'Please don't bring me back. Please?' she prayed. The next thing she knew she was lying in the hospital bed being pumped full of medicine and there once again was her reflection...in the mirror.
Email: payneashley@hotmail.com
