Brian awoke in a cold sweat. He had the same dream now for the fourth night in a row. It was the same recurring dream he'd had when he was 5, after he had come home from the hospital. In his dream, his heart stopped and the doctors worked over him and were unable to start it again. He floated above their heads and watched his mother cry. He then saw himself being lowered into his grave and watched his friends and his family wave goodbye to him as he was being buried. Brian got himself a glass of water and laid awake, staring at the dark ceiling. He missed Leighanne. She was away working and Brian was lonely. He bought her a chihuahua puppy which she named "Tyke" before he went on the road, so he could keep her company. Leighanne loved Tyke and she took him everywhere with her. He rolled over and tried going back to sleep.
Brian was tired now all the time. Everyone noticed and understood. He woke up tired and went to bed early. He fell asleep quite often on the limo ride back to the hotel after a show and could barely stay awake during interviews. Fatima was easy on him; when they rehearsed for a tour, she always stayed on Brian's back because he was so laid back when he danced and Fatima knew this was laziness. Now, Fatima knew that Brian couldn't always physically keep up during the rehearsal, so she didn't push. Brian, however, tried harder than he had before; he didn't want anyone feeling sorry for him or to treat him differently. Many times he would get frustrated and mad at himself for not being able to keep up.
Brian was grumpy a lot lately. They guys tried to be understanding. Howie, especially tried to bring up the heart operation, wanting to know every detail about the surgery. It was Howie's nature to be concerned and to talk over problems, but it wasn't Brian's nature. Brian didn't want to talk about it very much, even though he had tried to answer everyone's questions as best he could, then he'd quickly change the subject. Many times, one of the guys would tell Brian that he was there for him whenever he needed a friend, but Brian always said "Thanks, but I'm fine" and then he'd run around acting crazy, trying to get people's minds off such a grim subject.
In January, Donna and Johnny asked Brian to postpone the surgery so they could do some more shows in Europe which were difficult to reschedule. Brian agreed, not wanting to be an inconvenience and rescheduled the surgery for late March. Brian's parents weren't happy, but Brian said that he wanted to do what was best for the group. A few weeks later, Brian was asked to reschedule the surgery again because of an unplugged video they were scheduled to do in late March and because of some more dates that were added to the schedule. This really started to bother the other guys who were getting more and more concerned about Brian as Brian tired quicker and quicker. His doctor told him that the surgery could be postponed until May 8th but that he shouldn't put it off any more. Brian told his doctor that he felt fine, but he lied. After he rescheduled, he made the dreaded call back to his mother to tell her the news.
Brian called his mother from Germany before a show to tell her. Jackie, needless to say, was angry. His father was on the other line with Jackie and they were both yelling at Brian.
"Don't these people understand that your health comes first? Don't they care? Brian, I know you don't want to let anybody down, but you're our son and we can't watch you slowly kill yourself because it doesn't fit in with someone else's schedule. I knew that joining this group was a bad idea. You promised me when I let you go that you wouldn't put this group before everything else and it looks like you have," Jackie was crying and did not even realize how loud she had been getting. Brian's father stayed quiet. He was a man of few words.
"But I'm not a kid anymore, Mom. I can make my own decisions and my decision is to have the surgery in May. Why can't you just support my decision and be a little more understanding?" Brian started crying now. He quickly wiped away his eyes as other people were coming in and out of the dressing room, trying to get ready for the show. A.J. walked in and saw that Brian had been crying and left again, giving Brian some privacy.
"Because you're my son and I don't want to lose you," Jackie said calmly, holding back more tears.
Brian got off the phone with his mother and sat on the couch with his head in his hands. Kevin entered the dressing room after A.J. had told him that Brian seemed upset and sat down next to his cousin. Brian looked up and looked at Kevin, chuckling.
"They didn't take it too well," Brian said, his eyes read and puffy.
"If you decide not to postpone the surgery, we'll support you," Kevin said. That meant a lot to Brian. He knew how much Kevin worried about scheduling and their careers, so hearing this seemed to comfort Brian.
"I've already rescheduled, Kev. But I'm not rescheduling again." Brian stood and they shared a quick hug before they left to join the pre-show huddle.
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Brian celebrated his 23rd birthday on the road. The guys threw him a big party and had a cake made. Everybody celebrated with him; even Leighanne came to visit him, which made it even more special. He enjoyed himself and laughed quite a bit, although in the back of his mind he wondered if this would be his last birthday. He didn't tell anyone of his fears. He continued to put on a brave face for everyone.
Brian and the group had not yet told their fans about the surgery, yet rumors started to get around. This is when the boys had a band meeting and decided to start going public with Brian's surgery. It was decided that Brian would stress the word "elective" and try to leave out "open heart surgery" as much as they could. In Denmark, Brian first made the announcement that he was having some elective surgery this Spring but the guys would take some time off and do some promotional stuff while he was recuperating. In many interviews, Brian never even mentioned what he was having surgery for. Many fans started assuming that he was having some sort of plastic surgery. Brian didn't seem concerned about the surgery in the interviews and because he used the word "elective", it made it seem like he didn't really NEED surgery in the first place.
He announced his upcoming surgery to his American fans in March on the Regis and Kathie Lee show. Kathie Lee was especially sympathetic and nice, offering to let him talk to someone she was close to who had been through the same surgery. Brian kindly accepted the offer and was given her number, but never called. He didn't really know how to approach the conversation and he really didn't want to think about it more than he had to.
Brian tired of answering the endless amount of questions in interviews about his surgery, retelling the story about how his heart defect was discovered when he was five and how he almost died. He was sure the other guys were tired of hearing it too. Brian became more and more brief in his answers to questions and started to distance himself more from fans and reporters. Brian was trying to stay upbeat and cheerful, still wrestling and joking around with Nick and talking about their upcoming U.S. tour after the surgery, but that was becoming more of a challenge, especially as he started feeling more and more tired. He was also starting to get sick more often.
As a child, Brian suffered from frequent chest colds and pneumonia which was typical of those who had his particular heart defect. Now, with all the traveling, little sleep, and his enlarged heart, Brian was feeling ill most of the time. All of them had pretty weak immune systems because of their schedules, but Brian would just be getting over the flu or bronchitis and would catch something else. He would rarely complain, however. He didn't even cancel any of the interviews or appearances because he was sick. Brian had now become a champ at masking illness; he, especially, was one who wasn't really allowed to miss a performance or show. Their management felt that Brian sang more than any of the other boys in their songs and felt like, without Brian, the Backstreet Boys wouldn't sound nearly as good. Nobody could sing his parts to their songs as well as he could, so Brian grinned and suffered through it.
He was even sick during the taping of "A Night Out With the Backstreet Boys" unplugged video which was shot in Germany on March 28th. He was exhausted and running a fever, but as usual, the show must go on. He made sure he drank a lot of water, as the doctor ordered, and performed his best. Even though he looked quite pale and fatigued during the performance, he sounded absolutely fantastic. The other guys even commented on his stunning performance as they knew that he wasn't feeling well; Brian sang the lead on practically all of the songs they were to sing. A.J. and Nick tried to cheer him up during the show and make him smile. They laughed at the irony of Brian singing "Quit Playing Games with My Heart". At the end of the song, fans noticed that Brian practically stayed seated while the others got up and danced.
The tour continued with some recording, some rehearsing, some shows, and lots of interviews. Tension was building among the guys and the arguing seemed constant. Kevin, like Brian, didn't want to talk about Brian's upcoming surgery. He was feeling more and more tense as the date grew closer, wondering if the doctor would be able to get his heart started again after they stopped it to repair the hole. He kept his fears hidden, secretly researching the procedure over the internet late at night in his hotel room. Nick didn't know how to feel. He asked Brian a lot of questions. Because Nick was Brian's best friend, Brian was more patient with Nick's incessant questioning than he was with the others. It was Nick's way of trying to help Brian, trying to understand what Brian might be feeling. He'd never had anyone really close to him die before, nor had he known anyone who'd ever gone through major surgery like this. Brian explained to him how the surgery would take about 45 minutes and they'd have to stop his heart so the doctors could repair it.
"How can you still live if your heart is stopped?" Nick asked over a break in a late night Nintendo tournament.
"They'll have me hooked up to a heart-lung machine which will act as my heart and lungs, pumping and filtering my blood and sending it to my lungs and the rest of my body. Then, they'll shock my heart and get it started again and sew me back up," Brian smiled. He ruffled Nick's hair and started another game of "Mario Kart". Brian thought he sounded a lot like a cardiologist when he talked about his surgery. He, himself, had been doing some research into the surgery and had talked to many people who had been through the surgery. He also questioned his doctor and found out via his mother about the procedure; she had been doing extensive research on her own since his diagnosis. She wanted to keep informed, to see what kind of chance Brian was taking in waiting to have the surgery. Brian talked to his mother over the phone quite a bit while in Europe. She comforted him and he comforted her. He grew as close to his mother as a son could be.
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The end of April came before anyone knew it. On their last performance before Brian's surgery, everyone was there: his family, his friends, and the other boys' families. Brian was surprised by the concern the others' parents had for him – almost like a second family. Denise, who loved Brian like a son, watched over Brian on the road and gave him a long,, motherly bear hug after his last performance. She looked like she was about to lose it. Nick's mother also came and supported Brian, telling him that she would be there if he needed anything. The band were even hugging on him, offering to play a game of basketball before the show. Brian obliged as he knew this would be the last game of basketball he'd be able to play for a while. Brian was tired, but felt loved. He also was feeling more and more terrified as time passed. He was still playing tough, making sure that he didn't worry any of his family or friends more than they were already worried; they didn't need to also worry about his emotional stability on top of the surgery. Brian was affectionate and comforted those around him.
The show went well. He gave it his all and afterward, even though he was exhausted, he hung out with his friends and his family before going back to his hotel. He felt awkward sharing a hotel room with Leighanne while his parents were in the same hotel. Brian's parents were extremely religious and did not believe in sex outside of marriage. This trip, however, they didn't show their displeasure; they knew that Leighanne comforted Brian and that they had been together for quite a while now.They also knew that their son was a grown man and a responsible one.
Leighanne and Brian retired for the night and lay in bed talking. "You know, my fans are catching on to us," Brian smiled, touching Leighanne's hair which had fallen over into her face. "I almost don't care. I don't know why Donna and Lou don't want us to tell anyone."
"They're just concerned that fans will be turned off if they know you're involved," Leighanne smiled back. She had to be the most understanding girlfriend in the world. Whenever a fan did catch them together, Leighanne was always nice and polite. She was never jealous.
Silence enveloped the room as the two stared at each other for almost five minutes.
"I'm scared, baby," Brian whispered, his eyes welling up with tears.
"I know," Leighanne touched Brian's face. She didn't know what to say.As much as she wanted to, she couldn't go through this for Brian.
"I love you," Brian's voice was shaky. He closed his eyes and Leighanne wrapped him in her arms, letting him cry, letting him release his tension.
"I love you too," Leighanne whispered back.
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CHAPTER 4 COMING SOON!!