Howie strummed a few notes on the acousitc guitar he recently bought himself. The sound echoed throughout his king-sized master bedroom and beyond through the 8,000 sq. ft mansion he purchased back in April. On the outside, he appeared to be comfy and in a relaxed state, with him resting on the midnight-blue colored leather arm chair. His bare feet were slumped on the matching ottoman. Inside though was different. He felt cheated, betrayed, robbed,empty inside. He lost someone near and dear to him, someone whom he was very close to. So close, yet so far.
Caroline died today.
Howie plucked the guitar strings with the guitar pick more forcefully as he strained to fight back the tears. He was emotional, for a guy at least yet, yet he didn't want to cry. Howie felt out of place to, like he didn't deserve to get all choked up.
He was fortunate enough to have their concert in Caroline's hometown a week before she passed away. Howie remembered clearly the big grin on her face from backstage as she watched her little brother enjoy what he liked doing most, singing. Howie knew she was dying inside but she didn't show it. She was tough, a fighter. Nothing seemed to bother her. Caroline was the laidback, carefree type not giving a damn about the world. Howie looked up to her because of that, she was a great woman. Now her lively spirit was gone, wiped out completely from Lupus. He felt as if though he had nothing to live for anymore. Everything dies eventually but why did she have to leave at the prime of her life?
Howie set the guitar down and stared into wide, open space. He hated himself right now for not being there at her side as Caroline was taking her last few breaths. He was on tour with the group he was one-fifth made up of and responsible for, the Backstreet Boys. They were establishing their home base in the U.S. as well as revisiting their loyal subjects up in Canada too. It was the last leg of the summer tour and they were exhausted. Kevin was complaining of back pain while AJ was still nursing his pulled leg muscle. Brian felt nauseous and dizzy at times, but it was nothing compared to the feelings at the start of the tour. Nick and Howie were just simply worn out. They continued on though with great pride in their fans, not letting their woes get the best of them.
Howie drifted himself back to when he recieved the news noone would never want to hear.
*************
Howie ran offstage towards the end of 'Hey Mr. DJ (Keep Playin' This Song)'. He needed to change into the red silk pajamas he was outfited in during his solo which he would be presenting next, 'My Heart Stays With You'. Written by his pals, Full Force, it was a song he loved to perform. It was the type of song Howie never seemed to get sick and tired of singing.
"Here you go Howie." Angie, their waredrobe and makeup personnel said, handing him a plastic bag with his clothes inside.
"Thanks Angie." Howie winked, nabbing the bag and briskly walking towards the changing area. He wiped the sweat from his forehead as he came up to the door with his name taped on it. Howie was twisting the doorknob open when he heard someone call his name.
"Jake, no offense but I need to change for my solo." Howie said politely to the avg. height, medium built, bald headed guy walking his way. Jake was a dancer for the finale, 'Everybody'. They became instant friends when they first met and have gone clubbin' numerous nights whenever neither were drained of energy. He hoped their friendship could continue on, even after the tour was over with.
"Howie, this is really serious. I think you should hear this..."
"Let me change first Jake, then you can tell me." Howie nodded, closing the door. Jake leaned against the wall, mumbling something under his breath.
Three minutes later, Howie rushed back out.
"Where are the roses at?" Howie yelled out to anyone who heard him. He sprinted past Jake, who was trying to catch his attention.
"A bouquet of roses for my sweetheart." a bubbly Aaron Carter said, doubled over in laughter. Howie took the fake, silk red roses and scooped Aaron up into his strong arms.
"Ha ha, very funny squirt." he said, messing up his light blonde hair. Aaron continued cracking up as he set him back down on the floor.
"Where's my headset at?" Howie questioned everyone around him. He could hear AJ singing the last few verses to the song.
"Right here Howie!" Angie said, setting it on his head. She adjusted it for him as Jake tapped his shoulder impatiently.
"Hm?" Howie murmured, fixing his belt buckle as Angie pulled down the mouthpiece microphone for him.
"I don't know how to say this but..."
"Jake, spit it out. I need to get into position for my solo." Howie said, annoyed. He didn't mean to sound rude but geesh!
"DAMNIT HOWIE, CAROLINE DIED HALF AN HOUR AGO!!" Jake yelled, getting straight to the point. He quickly grew silent, as did everybody else backstage within shouting distance. Howie was especally quiet, not budging a muscle. Even Aaron stopped laughing as his mouth hanged open in shock. The background music blaring from the speakers outside was dying down as the song ended.
"Oh Howie, I'm so sorry." Angie said sincerly, hugging Howie tightly. Howie just patted her back, not knowing what else to say or do.
"Dude, I didn't mean to yell like that.Sorry." Jake apologized, staring down at the floor as if that was who he were talking to.
"We...we don't know what to say but sorry Howie." the girls from SoLiD hArMoNiE meantioned in unison.
"Are you going to be able to continue performing tonight?" Angie asked, looking into Howie's eyes. Howie whispered a yes as Nick, Kevin, AJ, and Brian were entering.
"Something wrong?" AJ asked everyone,"Looks like somebody died in here or somethin'." Angie,Aaron, SoLiD hArMoNiE, Jimmy Page, all the extra dancers, and security guards shot him dirty looks.
"Wha-at?" whined AJ.
"She died tonight." Beki said, in deep thought.
"Who?" Nick blurted out.
"Caroline." Aaron answered, running up to his big brother. Nick wrapped an arm around Aaron's waist, picking him up.
"We're...we're sorry D." Kevin stuttered, feeling his good friend's remote loss.
"I need to get out on stage now..." Howie sniffed, making his way back onstage. He needed to focus on the fans now, not his deceased sister.Everyone listened with alert ears as Howie put on a radiant smile and spoke with eagerness and extreme love in his voice out to the unknowing fans of the catastrophe of Howie's caring, endlessly devoted heart.
***************
Howie stroked his chin, feeling the stubby hairs from his goatee he was growing. What was there to live for anymore? Money certainly doesn't buy happiness and no sum of money could bring Caroline back into his outstreched arms.
'Don't think about it.' Howie told himself, the thought of suicide popping in his head suddenly. He was acting foolish now, for suicide was not the Christian thing to do. Besides, he thought of the tradgeys his "brothers" had to face...AJ losing twin sisters before birth and then his best friend Christine in a car accident when he was just 13. Kevin losing his dad to the deadliest disease of them all, cancer back in '91.
'They moved on with their lives so why can't I?' A knock on the door interrupted Howie from answering that question. The door opened and Kevin entered. He recalled him being downstairs for "emotional support in his time of need".
"How you feelin' Howie?" Kevin asked, standing at the doorway. Howie shrugged and mumbled an ok as Kevin closed the door behind him, "Brian and Nick are here. They should be coming up shortly. AJ will be by in a little while after running a few errands."
Howie sighed, closing his eyes. Kevin sat at the edge of the bed, eyeing his distraught friend through the full-length mirror in front of him. The two eldest Backstreet Boys sat in silence, neither knowing what to say next,if anything. Kevin felt bad for Howie, knowing personally what it's like losing a family member who met the world to you. Howie opened his eyes again and stared at Kevin.
"I'm sorry Kev." he whispered. Kevin cocked his head at Howie, slightly confused.
"Sorry for what?" he asked.
"For being such a pain in the ass." repiled Howie.
"Pain in the ass? What do you mean?"
"I shouldn't be sitting here, mourning about my sister. I should be out, singing and dancing up a storm for my other family, our fans. I grieve for Caroline but those poor fans in Minnepolis who've been waiting all summer long to see us perform live in concert...it's not fair to make them wait. We shouldn't have postponed that concert Kev, no way."
After Howie was done with his little speech on how he felt, Kevin spoke up.
"Howie, you're making no sense whatsoever. They understand, they can wait. In fact, the amount of flowers, cards, stuffed animals you've recieved from them around the world sending their condolences, they aren't being stingy. The fans care and are mourning her death as are you and I. We did the right thing canceling the Minnepolis concert...we can and will make it up later. That's not what's important right now. What should be your primary concern is you." Kevin stood up and put one hand firmly on Howie's right shoulder, "Your family needs you as much as you need them."
Howie couldn't contain the tears building up in his eyes anymore. He let them flow freely as he sobbed to himself. Kevin smiled, glad to see him finally let go of his emotions. Brian and Nick came in as Kevin and Howie were interlocking in a hug full of brotherly love. Both joined them in that hug, all four not wanting to let go. The espirt de corps was back, the bond rejoined between them became one again. They finally had to though and Brian gave Howie a box of Kleenex.
"Thank you Brian." Howie said in-between sobs, soaking up the tissue with his own wet tears. He finally contained himself and heaved a deep breath.
"You guys mean the world to me...thanks." he said, cracking a smile for the first time in days. They were overjoyed to see their bandmate, brother, close friend in good spirits. That was when AJ came in.
"I got this for you D, knowing they're your favorite." AJ gave Howie a small paper bag.
"Gummi bears? Yum!" Howie chuckled, opening the bag "My fav.!"
"Yeah, I figured they'd make you feel better." AJ gave a sly grin.
"We better get going...the funeral ceremony starts in a hour and a half." Nick said, looking at his watch.
"You fellas go on downstairs, I'll be with you in a minute." Howie waved them goodbye. They all nodded their heads, leaving. Brian made sure he closed the door behind him.
He sat in utter silence, tapping his knees. Then almost on impulse, spoke to her as if she were there.
"Caroline, I can go on and on about how much you mean to me, the memories we've shared both new and old. Heck, I even remember the sibling rivary between you,me, Angie, John, and Polly when we were younger. Heh, the other guys use to pick on me because I was the youngest, yet you were always at my side defending me. But you've been a huge inspiration in my life and I'm sorry I couldn't be at your side when you needed ME the most. I hope you understand but my job once again got in the way. I beg for your forgiveness for not being there." Howie paused, then stood up, "I've got an extra special surprise in store for you when I met you in oh, 60 years or so." he chuckled at his little joke, "See you in awhile Caroline...love ya!"
Howie walked out of his room, closely followed by the ghostly spirit of Caroline, who had the biggest smile of them all. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~