February 2001
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February 1, 2001
Cut a cross on my hand this morning. Told Janie I did it yesterday. Why worry her. Had therapy today. It was okay I guess. Gave her what I wrote yesterday. She asked a few questions about it while she read it. I was very anxious for her to get done. Don't know why I write things that will get her worried about me. Like I wrote that I want to die. I shouldn't write that it could end me up in the hospital. Even though I do. Maybe this journal isn't such a good idea after all. Staring at the razor right now want to cut up right arm make it look worse than the left I want to cut deep. I want to gouge my arm.
I want deep scars.
February 2, 2001
Had therapy today, had to bring hubby with me. She gave me my medication so I guess she isn’t too worried anymore. She told hubby about my calendars. Don’t know what purpose coming back on Friday served. She really didn’t talk about much else. Except she wants me to help myself. That her and hubby are trying to help me and I should help them to help me. I finally gave in and said I would. I don’t think I really want to help myself. I am afraid that I am just too used to being this way. I don’t really know if I want to try to be different. I am afraid of different really. I cut tonight. I made a cross on my right hand just like my left hand. Guess I will have to tell her that. I didn’t really have an overwhelming urge to cut. I just did it without really thinking. Janie said that I am addicted to cutting. I don’t really think so. It is something I need something that I have to do. Hmmm like an addict needs a fix? Well gosh.
February 3, 2001
Bad day today. Have been wanting to cut so bad. So I made the cross on my right hand a little deeper. Don’t really want any more cuts on me. Hubby was off today. We got along ok. Went and got subs and movies tonight, with hubby of course. Got a few for me I will watch with Helen I guess on Monday if she is back home. Watched “Me, Myself and Irene” tonight. It was pretty funny. Didn’t know it was about MPD though (Jim Carey). Then I just went into computer room and got on the chat for a while. Oh got invited to Terri’s chat room it is cool. Has voice chat. I like it. Only six members there though and you have to catch Terri in the room and get her to come there lol.
February 4, 2001
Almost called Janie today. So low down, don’t know if I have been this low in a year. I want to die. I can’t take this anymore. I am so afraid of living like this. And yet I want to quit therapy. I just don’t see it helping me right now. Think I am waisting their time and my money. This is so rediculous . Hubby messed up something he was doing on the TV and I asked him what was wrong and he just yelled and cursed at me. He apologized about an hour latter but it doesn’t change the fact that he is still yelling at me, does it? Oh well I can live with the apology I guess.
February 5, 2001
Well today was pretty rough. I kept starring at the pills all day wanting to take them. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I want to die. I just can't do this anymore. It is too much to ask of me it just is. I cut my hand Friday,my hand again Saturday,and my arm Sunday. Didn't cut today hubby asked me not to when he went to work and I tried my best. My friend came over and was here till hubby came home. And I just can't cut with her around. It would scare the crap out of her. She finds razor blades and puts them in the trash. She went searching the house once and found a lot and was so mad. But she didn't get them all. I always have a stash somewhere. I just have to be careful to keep them up out of the girls reach. I am very good about that. The girls came over once and I hadn't had time to put them away and they wanted to be in computer room so I stayed in there with them. I wasn't sure if I had them all put away. As it wasn't me cutting that week. Generally we all are watching out for the girls safety but that day I wasn't very trusting. It had been a weird day. I don't know what tomorrow will be like. All I know is (right now and) all day all I can think about is taking all the pills I have. I know I can succede this time. I know I can. They won't be able to save me this time. Even if I do chicken out and say something. There will be no turning back this time. That is how it has to be. Maybe I need a gun. How would I go about that though? There is this place in yahoo that supports people that want to committ suicide I am thinking about joining. It sounds real interesting. Why if I know all the reasons not to committ suicide do I still want to do it?? That is a mystery to me. Janie asked me that on Thursday. I was astonished at the question and quite puzzled too. Why if I know all the reasons to not cut do I still cut? I know the reasons why I personally cut and the ways to stop, but I can't stop. This really puzzles me.
February 7, 2001
Cut my legs yesterday. Just had a fit and cut and cut. Today I cut my hand again. Same place and all. Realized tonight that I have to see Psychiatrist tomorrow. Oh god I hope it is cold out so he don't say anything about me wearing a sweater. All my long sleeve shirts are small on me now. God I don't want to go. I have to though to get this months meds. Janie will call if I don't go too. I missed last month's medication appointment. She got them for me don't think she will do that again.
February 8, 2001
Well went to see psychiatrist today. Asked him for some more medication for anxiety he refused. Made me so mad. He says we are handeling it. Yeah right. Why won't people believe me, I need more help than what I am getting. He asked about my cutting. And I just showed him my recent cuts. Janie acted so surprised. Like she expected me not to even have one cut. That shocked me. She knows I have been having a hard time I told her I have. Guess she just doesn't believe me. I don't know what to do anymore. Kevin says be a goodgirl before he leaves for work every day and I know what he is saying. No overdoses, No cutting. But I can't help myself if it happens it happens. Today I cut the cross on my left hand again. Kevin will never notice, neither will Janie. Aha. Janie talked to him about my web work and he was interested in me making a web site for the Mental Health Center. And a racket club in Albany. I said I would. For a fee of course. I love doing it anyway. Maybe I can make some money and help out around here. That would make me feel better. Well it's getting late I will go for now. See you tomorrow.
February 10, 2001
Helping Janie with web page. It is fun. Went to grocery store alone today, did okay I guess. Had a little panic going into the store and some in line. Was so glad to get out of there, not sure if I actually got everything I needed. My panic and anxiety is so high right now. I don't know what to do about it. I have asked for more meds and they won't give them to me. What else can I do? I have tried every suggestion they have given me really I have. Except for getting out more that just makes it worse. Haven't cut today first day in a long time. I thought about it but didn't do it. I am proud of that. I didn't get the urge really just wanted to do it. Daughter is moving in with us. That will be great to see her more often. I can hardly wait. And of course I will get to see my grandchildren more often too, yeah. She does bring them over every chance she can so she is thoughtfull. I am okay today I guess. No cutting. And that is the main goal here right yall?
February 18, 2001
Haven't been very good about writing lately. This is an especially hard month for me. Though I didn't know why till just the other day. I won't go into details because it is so personal. Just bare with me. Have been cutting almost daily due to the stress I am going through. I am truly angery with myself right now. I have been contemplating suicide daily and probably should be in the hospital at this point. My therapist has been great. Has really kept in touch with me. She is good for me. Valentine's between me and hubby were great. So that day was okay for me. He truly loves me.....I think. My borderline personality disorder keeps me from feeling the true love I think. Or is it just me? I don't know. Mybe someday I can truely love and feel love. I really have a lot on my mind tonight just can't get it out. Maybe tomorrow.
February 21, 2001
Not doing too well. Very, very depressed. Don't care about nothing, no one. Just tired. Want to go to sleep forever. Would be better off if I had never been born. I cut my arm and my hand last night just trying to feel something. Tonight I just don't care. Nothing is going to make me feel better at this point unless I were to be dead. This life of mine just sucks. I was born into a terrible situation that only got worse. And it is continuing down that path. Why couldn't I have died as a baby? Why couldn't God have spared me this life of hell? I know then April wouldn't be here and the girls wouldn't be here. Ok then now my work is done. Let me die now. I am going to end this soon. Have to pick the right day and time. I have the means now. This disassociation is getting bad. I can't take it anymore. It is lasting for hours. I loose track of time. I don't know what I am doing really. I am in the living room and it is two hours later and hubby is gone and I am in the bedroom or bathroom. Things like that. It is way scarry. I don't like this at all. I am going alone Friday and seeing Janie I don't want hubby to know about this. I am scarred of telling Janie too, she may lock me up. And it may be for good this time. But I don't think she can because I am not a danger to anyone or to myself, well not because of this anyway.
February 23, 2001
Not a very good day. I am so angry and so damn depressed right now I just dont' know what to do. I want to cut so bad. Or just OD and get it over with. Had therapy today and Janie found out I had been cutting of course she would when she saw my arms, should have cut the legs. Now Janie has given me a month to improve and then she is going to talk to Dr. Dutta. I don't know what he will do. Probably drop me from their assistance. I can go to no one else what will happen to me then. I lied to her again today I don't know why. Yes I do, I don't want to go to the hospital. I don't need it. I don't think they can change anything about me, they don't help. They never have in the past so why would I think they would now. The hospital is just a warehouse to put us crazies so they don't have to deal with us for a while. The doctors there hardly see you for more than 5 minutes a week and they pass off a new diagnoses based on that five minutes. They sometimes change your meds just for the hell of it. Just to say they did something. As long as you cooperate behave and be quiet they will let you out in a week. Of course take your meds too. Go to the activities and that is so hard for me. I hate the open units you have to be around so many people. It really freaks me. But the closed unit has so many bad people. To pretty fucked up units but that is all you got to choose from. So I avoid it like the plague. I guess I can survive without therapy I have for most of my life anyways. So what the hell. If they won't see me anymore so be it. If it gets too bad for me I have a way out so who cares. Guess no one does huh? That is how I feel now. No one cares. I sought therapy in the first place. And I guess I will just call Janie Monday and tell her I quit. I can't stop cutting so I just quit. That is what the condition is, that I stop cutting and that will never happen so...
February 24, 2001
I didn't cut today. Yeah! But God I want to. I called Janie today thinking it was Monday God my mind is so screwed up. All I can think of is cutting. So this is two days no cutting. I almost cut my legs I mean she will never know. Still looking up at the razor and thinking about it. I really need this I realy do. I am so angry at Janie for doing this to me. And I am calling her Monday and telling her. She shouldn't give me ultamatums she is my therapist she is supposed to help me. But this has made me angry, and made me want to cut to get the anger out. She is supposed to help me. She is supposed to be my support. This isn't helping me. I don't know what will, but this is definatly not. Why am I supposed to come up with a solution she is the therapist not me. Am I going to be able to tell her this? It is easy to write it down but hard to say things like that to someone. It is for me anyway. I avoid making people mad at me. I wonder how I was ever able to manage resturants, and convience stores. I hired and fired, no problem but now I can't take that assertion that I need to. I think it is hard for me when I care about the person. I don't want to loose the person, you know. I wonder what they call that. I was so angry when Janie said that she is giving me a month to improve or she is talking to the Dr. I feel like she is abandoning me. She is throwing me to the wolves.
February 25, 2001
It is kind of early to be writing in here today but things are just so out of hand right now. I just dont' know what to do. Have talked to a few people about the situation with Janie and have gotten some advice. Posted in one of my groups at Yahoo too. Got some responses from a few of them too. Best advice is what I got from a friend just now. She is also a therapist she says Janie is doing right. That I need to tell her I am angry if I am. And what it made me feel when she told me this. And I will do that Monday when I call her. The friend was like right when I told her she wanted me to call her Monday. I want to cut so bad just don't know how to stop myself. I keep looking at the blade and it is calling to me pick me up I keep thinking cut cut, bleed. You will feel better. And you won't have to call Janie and tell her your mad. I am not good at expression. I am good on paper just not face to face or even over the phone. I think because I wasn't allowed to express myself in childhood. No anger, no mad, no sad. Or is it just borederline? I dont know.
February 26, 2001
Had a so so day. Called Janie soon as I woke up this morning. Told her I was mad at her. And that she made me feel like she was abandoning me. She didn't get angry with me like I thought she would. I told her I hadn't cut all weekend and she was happy. I liked that. Maybe not cutting is a good thing huh? But it is so hard to do. I need it so bad right now. I picture myself cutting all day and all night. It is so hard to not to. Janie says she has to show Dr. Dutta I am making progress or he will drop my case. So she wasn't just saying that, it is true. Friends told me maybe she was saying that to just get me scarred into not cutting. Now I don't know if I can make it with out seeing Janie. I don't know if I would just give up and try suicide again. I have been so ready lately anyway. Even with seeing her. Maybe it makes no difference. Oh God I have such a craving to cut my legs right now. I would have to lie to Janie and tell her I didn't cut, but it would be worth it I think. No I won't do it, I have gone 3 days now and I will make the two week goal.After that I can cut all I want. He He He. I was just chatting on MSN with a friend and she left to go cut. I told her to be careful. I was actually jealous that she can cut whenever she wants to. I was in another chat for Self-Injury last night and people in there were all talking about what cutting they had done lately and I had to leave, it was influencing me. Think it is best to stay out of those chats for right now untill I am stronger. I am in a club for people who self injure and have depression, they give some pretty good advice to you. Talked to Janie about Hubby's anger problem and she suggested he see a councelor for anger control and maybe get back on meds. I don't know if I can talk to him about this or not. Afraid of the reaction I will get. Guess I am skipping around again. But that is how my thoughts run, one to the next and back again. My mind is never still, it is always going 90 miles an hour.
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