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April 1, 2001
Today was okay. Hubby brought daughter to see me, that was nice. She brought me a book about ancient Toltec Beliefs to read. It is pretty good I've read about half alread. It says things about using you words not to hurt. How people tell you things like your ugly and stupid and you take it to heart, he says you make an agreement to believe it is true. That is so right you know. I have been told all my life I am ugly and I feel ugly. Is it possible that I'm not? Janie says I'm not ugly. Hubby says I'm not. Do you think it is possible? Could it be? No I don't think so. I see the different ways people act around pretty women and they don't act that way around me. Oh well I am different and I am stuck with that. I burnt once today. Pretty good too it is still swole up and red and stings a bit. After the first couple of burns the pain got easier soon it will be like cutting no pain at all. Only one time did it hurt to cut. And the is the first time. After that there was none. And then it only hurt after. I was in a rage and just cut and cut. No different than a boxer hitting a punching bag. The burning helps some. But I really need to cut. I need some relief. It is like pent up it needs to come out. God I am sick. When I call hubby tonight I will ask him to pick me up a sub on his way to work tomorrow and I will have to call him in the morning to remind him probably. I sure hope Dr. S let's me go home tomorrow. Feel like I been here for a month. I've been here a week now. Even criminals get bailed sooner. I just want to go home and take a long hot shower, wash my hair, shave and eat whenever I'm hungry eat what I want. Watch what I want on tv, no arguing. Get on my computer and talk to my friends. Oh Frankie (my cat) finally came home, been gone almost two weeks now. Hubby believes someone stole her and kept her locked up inside, and she just got away. He wants her to be an inside cat now. I got a pack of crackers from snack break to eat for breakfast. This will be the last snack I go on the place is filling up now. It is bed time here and I ain't a bit sleepy. I'll go walk around a bit then come back and maybe read a little more. Oh on scale depression 10, suicide 10. Doing a lot of good here aren't they? If I had a razor right now or a bottle of pills *poof* I'd be gone in an instant. Shhhh!
April 2, 2001
Damn I told them yesterday and today that I was depressed when they asked now the damn nurse said I am going to be here for a while. She just asked about suicide and I said zero. I got to do some fast repair work. Damn they want us all in 212 for group. I can't do this what am I going to do? Just hide in here maybe they won't notice I am not there. Talked to J (a counselor here) he said M is my councelor. I'll never see her that's for sure. He said Dr. S was talking about a new med for me but it is expensive and they don't have it here. Sitting here shaking like heck scared they are going to come and get me. Here they are. Damn. Well they forced me to go not a pretty site and Doc said I have to go to meals to get out of here. This just isn't right. They are doing me wrong they are making me worse. Hubby dropped off my sub and we caught him just when he was leaving told him to bring me some books from home.
April 3, 2001
Can you believe it, I go home tomorrow at 10:00am. Wonder if hubby bought groceries lol. Guess Janie is going to want to see me on Fri. Hopefully she hasn't scheduled someone else in my spot. But that's okay I've seen enough of doc's for a while. Oh well we'll see. I would really like to talk to her. I am of course taking my meds they watch me pretty close so I really have no choice. If I was not to take them (which I don't want to do) it will make them only keep me longer. Guess I am going to have to take them at home. I haven't told Dr S about the continous disassociation I know if i did he wouldn't be letting me go tomorrow. It is about 10pm now. So in about 12 hours I will be free. Yeah!!!! First thing I'm doing is lighting up. First thing when I get home? Well that's too personal. Got to return this pencil. See ya when I get home.
April 14, 2001
Well I know I haven't written since I been home except to add what I wrote in hosp. But I haven't really felt up to it. Things are hard for me right now. I am trying all of Janie's suggestions for my depression but nothing is working. Went to see her yesterday for the second time since I've been home and she says I haven't improved over the last year. Well I differ with that cause I have only been hospitalized once in the last year. So I think that is progress. And Dr D said last time he seen me that I had progressed unless he lied. I am still suicidal from time to time and I do still Self Injure true enough. But I do get out every once in a while you know. I did go to therapy alone yesterday. And that is good. I even went and paid elec bill alone of course I did have a small panic attack but I did it. And today I am going to inlaws for Easter Celebration. I don't know how much I will be inside with the family and how much time I will spend outside alone but I'm going. (I tried to get out of it) I like his family a lot it's just hard being around people. I remember when I was at my mom's last I couldn't get away at all. There was always someone around. And then when no one come's around I feel unwanted geesh I'm a real basket case. I want to get better I really do. What am I doing wrong? I wish someone would tell me. I guess Janie sees progress as being back to work or something. There's just no way I can do that right now. I am afraid this is how I am always going to be. She has cut my sessions to every two weeks and only talked to me for like 10 minutes yesterday that isn't right. What happend to the hour I used to get? I think they are supposed to be with you for that hour like Eleanor used to do. It seems like they aren't going to be there for me any more. They have given up. So maybe I should too. And just resign myself to the fact that this is how I am going to be forever.
Happy Easter
April 15, 2001
Well today was kind of sad no easter celebration here. We just sat around starring at each other being depressed as it rained outside. Didn't cut though I have really wanted to. I wish I was normal. Sad Sad day. Not much to say.
April 21,2001
Well ex sister in law came up from Fla. for a visit. It's good to see her again. She and hubby will go back home on Sunday. Was very anxious about someone coming over. Don't like my space invaded, even if it is her. I love her to death, and am so grateful that we have remained friends. But I am like that with anyone that comes here. I don't want anyone around. But once they are here I am happy. And when they leave I'm sad to see them go. But once their gone I am real happy. I know I'm weird. Don't go to therapy till Friday, that seems like a very long time to me. Really need to talk to Janie now. I am feeling pretty depressed right now. Don't think I'm suicidal, but want to hurt myself pretty bad. Either by OD or cutting, doesn't matter which. Heard from mom today, she says my sis has found the guy. Yeah, there's wedding bells ringing. And get this, they want to start a family. My sis a mother, WOW. That is big news. Guess that'll make her dad the happiest man around. When I had my daughter I remember him saying (pointing at sis) "that's the one I want to see baby's from". They have always been cruel to me like that. I know it was a long time ago. But I remember it like it was yesterday. I emailed Janie the other day. Was feeling pretty bad and all. She says I have to let go of the past. If I could I would believe me. It is 99.99% of my problems. And she says to be positive. I try to be, I just don't think positive is a part of me. Now I'm getting very depressed, just started thinking of childhood and all. See that is what thinking of my family does to me. Everything comes rushing back like a tidal wave. Feels like I am drowning in it. I wrote a couple of poems in the hospital I am going to post them on my site tomorrow after sis leaves for home. Think I'll go to bed before I start feeling any worse and then can't get to sleep.
April 23, 2001
Had a bad day today. Very depressed, tried to call Janie twice, but only got answering machine. About 45 min after the last time I called her I started cutting and cutting. Didn't stop till I started cutting my wrist and want to cut deeper to see more blood. It scared me. I haven't gotten this bad for a while. I was ready to slice real deep when I pictured myself in the ER trying to tell the doc I was just cutting, and him sending me to SWSH for suicide attempt. That thought stopped me dead. Got appt. notice for Dr. D today and I don't have a ride I don't know what to do. If I miss this appt. I won't get any meds and you know what that means. Yes I'll be right back in the hospital. I am thinking of calling about getting the van to pick me up for appts then I won't have to depend on rides. It would be so great if I qualify for it. They take you to doctor appts. and to pick up medicine. And bring you home. Being as I am on SSD I should qualify. Please God let me qualify. Then I can make therapy appointments easier too. They don't always have to be on Friday when hubby is off. I feel so helpless, so useless, unwanted, unloved. I hate feeling like this. If Janie doesn't call me by 10am I am calling her again. I really need to talk to her very bad. I'm afraid of my thoughts. I am really wanting to hurt myself even now. I just have this deep inbeded thought. I have to hurt to feel better. I feel I must punish myself and then I'll feel better. I upset hubby when he came home and seen the cuts I did today. And daughter came over right after I cut wrist. It was still bleeding pretty good. She just hugged me and said I just wish you didn't have to do that. I wish that too honey I really do. I wish I was normal and not like this. I want to work again. I don't see it for me though. I will never be able to be in public again.
April 28, 2001
Well now I have a touch on why I have been so depressed. Today was anniversary of first marriage. Geeze. I am happy with my present hubby why is this bothering me? I don't have the answer to that. It is something beyond my tiny brain. I have been in the chat room most of the day. Cheering people up helping people. It makes me feel better about my self. One girl let it slip that I had applied for host and then everyone went nuts. I said it was supposed to be a secret cause I don't want to be embarrassed when I get turned down. And they were all over the place we'll quit coming here, we'll riot all that kind of stuff. It was funny. I hope I do get it. I want to feel like I can do something again. You know. Like I matter. Maybe it will help me. I hope so.
