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June 8, 2001
Not a good day. Here it is 2:15 am and i sit here with a razor ready to cut. I have to. Janie made me come and get my meds. I haven't left the house in over 3 weeks Oh God it was so damn hard. I cried all the way there begging hubby to take me back home. He refused. And I couldn't go in once we got there I put it off and put it off. Finally going in I find that Janie isn't even there. Damn it I am so pissed off. I really needed her too. After all that. I just have no one I can trust, no one there to help me. I am sick and tired of giving in and starting to trust someone and then they betray me. What the hell is going on when you can't even believe in your therapist? I called her two times Thursday and she never returned my calls. I was going to tell her I would have to come on Friday for my meds. She could have called and told me then that she wouldn't be there. Or the clinic could have called me today and told me she wouldn't be there to see me today. I am so sick of this. I can't wait any more I've got to cut. I told her Monday that I was suicidal. And I hear nothing absolutley nothing from her all week and she skips my session today. Does that tell you anything? That feels so much better. Now if I could just find some way of slowing down my heart some I could feel better. It is going crazy been like this all damn day. I almost went and got hubby earlier keep thinking something is wrong with me. But I know it is just the anxiety. But God it is going wild. I'm sipping some ice water hoping it will help. Just feel like slicing my wrists and getting it over with. There's nothing left for me. If Janie will betray me like this over and over what's stoppiing hubby? After all he's just human and fallible like anyone else.
June 18, 2001
Well it's been rough here for a while. Haven't left home at all till the 1st of the month when they made me come to the clinic and get my meds. they wouldn't let hubby get them. I wish I could have just gone without. But I know now that means another hospial stay and I don't want that. Haven't been out since then either. Except two times to daughters and that's just at the front of my property. Now I got a call on Friday that I will no longer be having therapy. Only case management. I will see a nurse I don't know when. And Dr. D for my meds. Well now how does that sound for help?? I tried calling a couple of Psychs in Albany but they won't come to your home and I sure as hell can't go there. I don't know what will happen to me now. I am scarred. Really scarred.
June 25, 2001
Oh you won't believe this. My daughter went for an audition for lead female singer for a band yesterday. You won't believe who the manager is OMG I still can't believe it. It's Dr. D. Can you believe that? My psych. Is the manager and leader. Guess I'll never muster up the nerve to go see them perform if she gets it LOL. But I hope she gets it she is very talented. I want her to enjoy life and have everything she wants and needs. I have needed to talk to Janie so much these past few weeks i just dont know what to do. Do you know what today is? Well it is my Ex's birthday. A very anxious day for me for sure. I am chain smoking and pacing a lot. I feel him thinking about me, about us. I am remembering the huge birthday party I threw for him. I know he is thinking about his dad dieing a week after his birthday. That is one reason I threw the party. I didn't want him associating his birthday with that. I wanted him to have a good memory of his birthday. I spent a lot of time on preparations for that party and a lot of money too. it took months to get his family all to agree to come here. I am so glad I pulled it off. I guess it was really the last time they have all been together. I worked and worked in the yard and on the house. And was working a lot of hours at my job too. Anyway that's all over with. I've got to go on with my life. I keep myself so tangled up with him. I spent most of my life with him you know so it is hard to separate from it.
June 29, 2001
Cut yesterday, just had to. So much is going through my mind. I just can’t stop the thoughts. I can’t rest it is constantly going. I can’t concentrate on anything. Can’t even watch a tv show. I try to talk online and my mind just goes, thoughts just running through my head, I can’t stop them. The voices are driving me crazy they won’t stop. They keep on. I don’t know how to stop them. I try to ignore them but they are always there. I am loosing time again. This is so scary, Hubby tells me I say things to him I don’t remember them. He says he said things to me that I don’t remember. It is starting again and I don’t know how to stop it. No phone right now so I can’t post this I will as soon as I can get back online. Hope no one gets concerned and calls me and finds out my phone is disconnected. That is going to be embarrassing. I know they will though. The disassociation is getting real bad again. I am taking my medicine like I am supposed to. I want to cut all the time now. I just don’t care what happens to me anymore. I have no one to talk to. I wanted to call Janie and talk to her but didn’t want to hear her say she couldn’t talk to me. Just don’t think I could take the rejection. I have enough disdain for myself don’t think I could take anyone else having it for me. I just don’t know what to do. Right now if I were to die don’t think anyone would really give a crap. Only thing is that hubby said he would leave if I tried it again. I just don’t know what to do about this. If I try and don’t succeed I will be alone. I can’t be alone. Janie said this would happen eventually, I guess she was right. She also said if I didn’t tell him everything he would leave and he hasn’t yet. I guess I am pretty lucky about that. I know he will leave me one day anyway so it really doesn’t matter. Does anything matter anyway. The way my life is now I don’t see where anything does. Today even the girls being here doesn’t help me feel any better I never thought the day would come that having them with me wouldn’t help. I just don’t care anymore. I can’t leave the house, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop the voices, I can’t stop my mind from going insane. I can’t control it anymore. Usually when I feel this bad I can work on my site or someone else’s that I have made and it will help the thoughts slow down some even the voices will go quiet for a while if I can concentrate hard enough. But, last night that didn’t work. I couldn’t think for the voices the thoughts. They wouldn’t shut up. Whenever a doctor asked me if I heard voices I would tell him I hear my thoughts, but they aren’t my thoughts I know that. I just said that to shut them up. Finally when I tell someone I hear voices, hopefully to get help for it poof I’m put out to pasture. No more therapy, now I don’t know what will happen to me. I’m left on my own to just go insane no help from no one. They haven’t called me to tell me if I have a new therapist or what is going on yet. I don’t even know if I go to get meds next week. I have no idea what is going on. I guess they gave up on me too. I guess there is no hope for me anymore. I have been in the system too long is what Janie said. I know that’s a lie there are people going there that have been there for many years I know for a fact. Dang I can’t even send her a email. She wouldn’t answer me anyway so what’s the point. Hey guess what I did!! I went to the grocery store with hubby. I was very, very anxious but I did it. Maybe things aren’t so bad after all huh? Well some anyway. I really didn’t have a choice cause he would have pitched a fit if I didn’t at least try. I am trying honey I really am. Maybe I can’t do it all the time so don’t be mad at me. But I am trying.
June 30, 2001
Well the girls are on their way home. Tears and all and now I am starting with the tears. I just wish it wasn’t so long in between visits with them. But that is something that their mom has to work out for herself. I’m so sad to see them go, but we had a wonderful visit. They played Ariel’s Story Sudio all day on my computer yesterday. And Anne was back on it again today. They love that game. As for me I am still about the same as yesterday. Hubby only worked half a day today. And now he will be off for the next nine days. He says he is going to drive me crazy. Ha ha I already am crazy. We will have phone service back on Monday. Don’t know if I can survive being offline that long. LOL LOL, guess I have no choice now do I? That makes three days no online. Well maybe it is for the best, I am kind of like an addict to it. I think it will do me good to be without it for a few days. Any way there are some good shows on tonight and tomorrow night that I haven’t been watching lately. But nothing in the daytime and that stinks.
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