Double click on any word to see definition
May 17, 2001
I know it has been a while since I have wrote in this. So much has been happening though. My depression is so up and down. And having a lot of problems with disassociation. Last friday at my appt. with Janie she said she thought I was getting better. Ha Ha. She only knows what I tell her. What I can't tell her is real bad. I'm scared of it. On weds. I had to see Dr. D. And he asked me the same question two or three different times during the visit. I lied to him. I can't tell them the truth. I am scared. I have tried several times to email and to call Janie and tell her but I am afraid of what will happen if I tell the truth. What it means is that I am really crazy. Finally got my meds today. We had to rent a car. Our car won't be ready for another week, and hubby has to get back and forth to work. His mom and dad have been helping him with rides to and from work. When I get my car back I am washing it every week weather he helps or not. I have missed it. I only wish I could go places and drive it more. This place has a deal where they will come and pick up the car and give it a oil change and lube job every three months or 3000 miles and it is only $30. I think we are going to do that. I didn't know you had to change the oil that often. Learn something new everyday I guess. Anyway I'm getting off track here. I have these headaches almost everyday. I have taken every thing I can think of to help and it doesn't.And they are bothering me a lot. I don't know what to do any more. I can't shut them up. I am cutting again and more. I was cutting less. But in the last couple of weeks I crave it a lot. I am cutting the legs and arms again. I have wanted to burn but haven't in a few weeks the scar on my wrist is keeping me happy I guess. My crosses on my wrist have gone now. I didn't keep them up I guess. I went to the store a few weeks ago. And this lady (as I came in) says wow a cat really got you didn't it I just said yeah and kept walking. Didn't want her to see they weren't exactly what a cat would do. I got mad that she pointed them out, but I was proud of them. I told hubby about it when I came home he just dismissed me. I don't think he will ever get it. Shoot I don't get it really. Hope I start keeping this more up to date.
May 18, 2001
Had a rough day. Thought all day of calling Janie. So depressed, don't know how much more I can take. When hubby came home I told him we need to talk tonight, I just wasn't ready now. He came over and sat down and said "You want a divorce?" I said no why would I say that. He was scarred, and kept asking what and I said we could talk later, then he got down on himself. And then I couldn't talk to him. I just didn't want to add more to all he is feeling now. I think I will call Janie tomorrow even if she is off. He is already so depressed I can't talk to him without hurting him worse than he already feels. And I don't want to loose him cause he thinks I am onlly thinking of myself right now. I looked at my pills yesterday and wished they had gave me the whole months worth. That isn't very good thinking. And if I told Janie that she would send me to the crisis center again. So I won't. I didn't cut today and that's good, but I really craved it. I am craving it now, staring at the razor thinking of the blood. Thinking how good it will feel, how much better it will make me feel right now. They keep telling me to do it. I can hear them now. How do I tell Janie or Dr. D this. Oh I was watching a TV program tonight, was off the chat room for 1 hour and when I came back I had all these messages people left me. One girl said she was going to be my answering service now. LOL It's nice to know I have friends even if it's just online. I can't shut them up they keep on "Die Debi die" "Die debi die" I can't take it much longer. How can I tell Janie this. She will lock me up for good if I do. See this is one reason why I need back on Haldol. This didn't happen much then neither did the disassociation. Why won't Dr. D listen to me. And that other med I was on too I forget the name it helped me too.
May 23, 2001
The past few days I have been really depressed. Today my visiting teachers from church came to see me. That picked me up for a bit. It was nice to see them. One is going to Denver for a whole month with a friend. Wow that sounds nice. Maybe if I got away from here. Nah I'd just carry my problems with me. Called Janie for the last two days, haven't gotten to talk to her. So I left a message on the machine that I won't be in Friday. I just don't think I can go out right now. She has cancelled on me enough it's my turn. I am just too depressed to talk to her or anyone right now. I just don't care about anything or anyone at this point. I feel like I am at the lowest point. I feel enclosed by blackness. I am stuck in this pit this black pit. I can't reach my way, or climb my out. It is swallowing me. I only want to cry and lay around I just don't care. I don't shower, I don't clean, I don't even brush my hair. I'm not even chatting, when someone special comes on messenger I will talk to them other wise I have it set to busy and if someone I don't feel up to talking to says something to me I just ignore it. Quite a few have asked to speak to me the last few days and I just don't answer. I have talked to a couple just so they don't worry.
May 25, 2001
Sagittarius
Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
Since Moon is squaring Venus at the moment, feelings of inferiority may be a real problem for you today. Ask yourself where this comes from. What could cause you to feel as though you aren't good enough or as good as someone else? Search your past for clues to the root of this attitude about yourself to see if you can nail down the source and rectify it. No one ever needs to feel inferior. These feelings are often only symptomatic.
Just had to share that with you. My horoscope has been son on the money lately it's unreal. The day after hubby bought me a new can opener and blender my horoscope said it was a good idea to buy small appliances today. A day late but hey...... Well I didn't go to therapy today. I just couldn't leave the house. A lot of times I go even though it is so hard for me. I go because I want to get better. But today I said to heck with it I am just too damn anxious. I called 2 days ahead so they can't say anything to me about it. When I called today like Janie asked me to another therapist answered the phone and I asked him to tell her I wasn't going to make it. If he did he did. She didn't bother to call and check on me so I guess she's just like the rest, doesn't give a crap. Sent hubby to work with the grocery list and he didn't stop he came home and said we would go later, and then he says I guess not from the look on your face. Oh he knows how I am feeling right now. Why does he try to make me do things I just can't do? Janie asked me about my suicidal ideation yesterday when she called and I told her it was bad, then she asked if I was suicidal then and I said no. I lied that is first and foremost on my mind right now. I know it's not good to lie to her. But if I were to end up back in the hospital I think hubby would leave me at this point. So that is one thing that is stopping me I guess. I don't want to be without him dead or alive. I don't thing he will get back his priesthood blessing without me and his mom influencing him then we won't ever be sealed together. And I want to be sealed to him. I guess I'm a bit selfish aren't I? If I wasn't I wouldn't be thinking of suicide. I am just tired of fighting. Trying to feel better. The doc won't give me the meds I think I need to feel better. He isn't increasing my prozac like he should be either. I wish when my mother divorced my father she had given me up to the state then I wouldn't have had to go through what I did. Maybe things would be different for me now. Some people would say that is an awfull thing to say but you just don't know. I am thankfull that I Know my mom and brothers and sisters for sure. I appreciate their love. But.......... Oh well what is done is done and I or no one else can change the past. But I wouldn't be like this. And that really bothers me. I still haven't told Janie the big secret I keep lieing about. But I have been lieing about it for years. It is just starting to bother me. I want help for it and I hope that if I told her I would get help for it. I just don't know if I will. I am afraid of telling anyone about it I never have never in my life. I know I just know deep down inside me it is a horrible thing and I know the possible concequenses. And it scares the life out of me.
May 27, 2001
For the last two days my anxiety has been so high it is unreal. I have been forcing myself to go out the front door and play with the puppies, so I don't get stuck inside again. Hubby wasn't exactly thrilled with doing the shopping alone again. But he was excited with the low bill. And he followed the list too, no junk food, now that made me happy. I am taking my meds like I'm supposed to but I don't see why they aren't helping me at all. I'm still suicical, I'm still depressed. I can say that I'm not as depressed as I get without them though. I remember one night not too long ago when I sat in the dark here and was calling priests in the middle of the night. Trying to find out how many would say I would go to hell if I killed myself. I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to die so bad but didn't wanted to go to hell.
May 30, 2001
Not doing so hot. Have been keeping to myself not even talking to hubby much or daughter. Staying off the chat too. I've just kept to myself. Don't want to be interfered with. Sent medicine bottles with hubby to get them refilled and I had some left in them. I thought I've been taking them steady. I guess not. The girls were here visiting, that helps me feel a bit better. They went home today though. Have been forcing myself to go outside a bit though. And it's not easy either. Have yet to walk down to daughters house but maybe two times she she has moved in. She asked me to tonight because she moved things about a bit and wanted me to see. Think she was disappoinnted when I didn't. I have been wanting to call Janie but afraid she will just say "I don't know what to tell you" again. She is supposed to be helping me. Why do I have to figure this out for myself? I am avoiding hubby real bad. And he is noticing it really. I am not into closeness right now. It is like yuck to me. I cook good meals and clean up a bit here and there just enough to keep him happy. Hey I got all those clothes that were waiting to be put away taken care of. He should at least be happy about that. I think it took like an hour. Can you believe it? I thought it would take an entire day. But once I got started it was easy. So I have accomplished something. Not many depressed people can say that. I am learning more and more about borderline. Seems it has to do with seratonin levels too. And again I am reading that not that many are cured. And it does interfear with everyday life more than it was thought to have before. I put the different clusters of personality disorders on my borderline page maybe it will help someone out there. A guy wrote me about my disassocition page he is just like me. Says he has never met anyone else with it. Says he feels exactly the same way I do. He says it has helped him to know he is not alone. I feel good about that. Maybe this is my lot in life, to help others who have these disorders. I don't seem to be good at anything else anyway.
June 2001
Our Home Page
Sign Our Guest Book
