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Being a borderline feels like internal hell. Nothing less. Pain,
anger, confusion, hurt, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from
one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those who I love.
I feel like nobody gets it. I analyze everything that everyone says to me
Knowing they have an alternative motive for any thing they say to me.
Rule #1 Don't Trust Anybody Ever.
Never let your guard down.
Because If you do that is when they hurt you.
Once in a great while I will get
"too happy" and then
anxious because of that.
Then
I start cutting, or burning myself.
Then I feel guilty because of that. "Secret
Shame"
Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because
I'd feel too much guilt for those I'd hurt, and then feeling angry
about that so I cut myself some more and deeper
So I bleed more.
To make all the feelings go
away.
Anonymous
(please post from anonymous)
Panic is like no other experience ever.
A panic attack comes suddenly,
Usually with little or no warning.
Within a few moments, there
Is a shortness of breath,
rapid heart beat,
Shaking, sweating, tightness in the chest,
Dizziness, and a sense of unreality.
It is no wonder that I believe that I am
At the brink of Insanity or death.
A panic attack is unlike any other event in life.
So how do I feel living with panic?
I feel like every panic moment will be my last moment alive
And then again I wish it was,
Because I live in fear of the next attack that
It will be the last moment if this one turns out not to be.
What is the worst feeling I get during an attack?
I feel often like I am having a heart attack
And I feel like I am choking to death
I feel like I am in a glass room
If you step into it then it will shatter
And all the air gets sucked out and I will die
But then again I wish I would die at those times
Then I can say "see I told you it could kill me".
So what is the most fearsome moment?
It could the unreality
Feeling like I am a slab of meat
Like I am an alien
I don't' belong why am I here?
What am I?
Am I person that matters to God?
Am I a person at all?
Then again it could be the fear of wanting to die
Yet being too afraid to kill myself
Another good one is that no one can touch me
Or it would kill me, yet I want to die.
Like you touch me and your hand has electricity
In it and it will hurt me
I hate being touched more than anything, I think.
I hate the laughter.
I hate panic.
I hate life.
Sunshine
I used to lead a "normal" life;
I even had a job.
Then one night, from out of nowhere;
My "normal" life was robbed.
I had difficulty swallowing:
I experienced a rapid beating of my heart.
A total feeling of panic set in;
My life was falling apart.
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder;
I need medicine every day.
It's changed my life completely;
In every possible way.
My "safe place" is within the four walls of my home;
My only "safe person" is Bill.
Will this churning I have, deep down inside;
Ever go away and be still??
I tried to explain to some of my friends;
And to all of my family.
But none of them understands my "Hell" inside;
No one understands, but me.
My "normal" life is trapped inside;
I may never see it come out.
I'm still confused about all of it;
I don't know what it's all about.
I'm left with many unanswered questions;
"Why did this happen to me?"
"Will I ever be "normal" again?"
"Will I get rid of this agony?"
Written By Betty Hawkins
(aka "Boop")
We're a rainbow made of children
Alone we cannot stand
All the indignities we have suffered
We're a rainbow made of children
Sunshine
This monster I live with everyday, makes Family and Friends run away .
My Captor
For years I have lived in a prison
Though no one can see them
Each bar is created by the same two words
What if I fail?
Each time I let one bar hold me back
I believed for years that I did not have the strength to tear down these bars
But I no longer believe this
Out of anger and frustration
With each bar I remove I find the next easier to face
With each new day I am faced with new "what if's"
Karen
More Pages From Sunshine's Corner Of The World
We're an army of survivors
Together we fight the battle
And together we will win
Together we will help one another
By lending helping giving a hand
And yet here we stand
Shouting from the roof tops
So you will understand
We're an army of survivors
Together we fight the battle
And together we will win
The pain ,guilt I feel, gives me needs to take a pill .
Lonely ,uhappy,negative to,is the game we play;
wondering if today the day ? Worry ,headaches and heartaches.
I live with everyday,this monster has a name Anxiety /Panic
and it won't go away.
I try to find help,and make people understand; that this is no secret millions have.
And more need to be educated, So please don't run and hide.
I am not playing hide and seek.
Love Me, Understand Me,Respect Me,Help ME.
car .........carol
The bars on my prison cell are not made of steel
But instead created by my own self doubt
These bars are there
Holding me back from living
What if...
What if they dont like me?
What if I loose control?
I know my mind is creating a new bar to imprison me with
I thought that "Living" was something I could only watch others do
I finally tested the strength of one of these bars
I found that at first it resisted me
But with persistence it finally gave way
I am no longer watching the world go on with out me
But now living in it
But I no longer see them as my captor
Instead I see them as a new challenge to test my inner strength
Thank You For Stopping In
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