90 Minutes or As I Sat Watching: A Novel
Forward: This book is a chronicle of my Honors American Literature class during the first semester of the 1998-1999 school year. The setting is the last day of class before the Final Exam. Every chapter is a stream-of-consciousness observation of the events of that day through the eyes of a different member of the class. Any resemblance of these characters to a real, live person is purely intentional. All the events depicted herea actually happened in one form or another at some point in time during the ninety-minute class period herein depicted. All of the characters, however, have been given pseudonyms in a small effort to conceal their true identities and to give me, the author, some peace when they read this book and find their depictions to be dissatisfactory. All of the pseudonyms, however, mean something; and there are specific reasons why each one was chosen. Those of you with a little ingenuity can easily discover my reasons and humors on the subject of the names, and I will offer you this much advice of how to do it: read between the lines. Also, the "Orange Book" to which you will find many references herein is a small book of mine that, as you may have guessed, is colored orange. I use it to record observations for my own amusement of things, happenings, events, et cetera that I witness with my own eyes or hear with my own ears in the tradition of the beautiful Claire and Tiffany. This book has been to no end a source of annoyance and consternation for those fellow students who fail to understand its purpose. It was also used to take notes for the writting of 90 Minutes, and so it figures prominently in the following story. That is all I have to say, so enjoy the book, but keep in mind that its only purpose is to satirize a typical group of students at Harrison High School on a typical day in a typical class.
Send any comments, questions, et cetera to the author.
For those of you with a little ingenuity, I have included these secret messages to read.
Dennis
Dennis is the equivalent of Kyle Mahan. I figured...Kyle is a tall basketball player and so is Dennis Rodman, so I'll name Kyle's character "Dennis."
Bong...bong...bong...bong
Great. Now I have to go into that lit. class and sit through another excruciating day of infantile review before the Final exam. I'm going to laugh when Peregrin fails the Final; he's so annoying. Well, better get it over with. I walk to my seat past Claude's desk by the door behind which sits Peregrin and, horror of horrors, Levi as well. Those two
together! I would pity Claude having to sit in front of them if he weren't such a bastard sometimes. He's got that orange book out again too....
Mrs. Sardoné enters from talking in the hall and almost immediately Levi pops up from
his seat behind Claude to ask, "Mrs. Sardoné, can we play a game?" The day before the Final and he wants to play a game...that's not such a bad idea. Hmmm. surprisingly, Sardoné answers "Sure, Levi. We can do a little bit of interacting. I'll ask questions and go around the room so y'all can review for your Final tomorrow." All right! Now I won't have to pretend to study for the next hour and a half. But what is she doing now? oh, she's calling out grades on the last test we took as long as I didn't get less than Claude I'll be happy but a 98! that's one point less than Claude! I know she did that on purpose. Now Sardoné moves from behind her desk at the side of the room to a seat in the front so that she can lead the review from there. Ha ha! These are easy questions! The Final
won't be so bad after all except that these idiots keep getting all the answers wrong!
Sardoné: "What literary movement began in New England and stressed one's ability to
transcend beyond this life?" Easy, transcendentalism.
Trisha: "Could you repeat the question?" The answer's transcendentalism, you fool
always acting like you're superior, knowledgeable and with an attitude when you barely know more than Levi or even Peregrin. Does no one here know anything?
Sardoné: "Claude, what does the scaffold in The Scarlet Letter represent?" It's public
shame and humiliation, Claude. Get it wrong, Claude. Claude: "Public shame and humiliation." $#@% it!
Sardoné: "What literary period began after World War I, is difficult to define, and
contains more mordernistic styles, Dennis?" Uh, oh. It can't be Modernism, that's too obvious so maybe she means "Renaissance?"
"No."
"Regionalism?"
"No, the correct answer would be Modernism." Doh. I'm not having very much luck with this, am I and Claude's writing something in that orange book of his. At least I know the answers to everyone else's stupid questions.
Sardoné: "Christobel, what do you remember about Mary Rowlandson?"
Christobel: "A Narrative of the Captivity was BO-ring!" see, I knew that! Oh, good
she's getting tired of asking us questions maybe she'll stop yes she's stopping.
Sardoné: "Spend the rest of the class studying; I'm tired." Now I can talk and enjoy
myself for a while, at least: it seems we have forty minutes of class left by the clock. I talk to Huck for a time with the outer demeanor of studying then Claude comes over carrying that orange book. He joins in the conversation but a crowd soon gathers to see what he
has written in that book as I don't want to be around these people I leave my space is quickly filled by Barot who wants to know what, if anything, Claude has written about him.
I go to a line that has formed by Mrs. Sardoné's computer so that I can view my grades
and know how hard I need to study tonight by the time I'm done Claude has gone back to his seat and the crowd is gone so I too return to my seat. At the desk in front of me Sibyl is packing her bags so I know it is about time to go. That girl annoys me I don't like her.
In only a minute or so the bell will ring and American literature will be over oh I cannot wait...
Bong...bong...bong...bong
Finally I am free I am free.
Sibyl
Sibyl is patterned after Jean Ann Kiser. I decided that since the Sibyl of Cumae had a terrible fate, I'd name Jean Ann after her.
bong...bong...bong...bong
...
85 minutes of class left...that's almost
80 minutes of class left...that's almost
70 minutes of class left...that's almost
60 minutes of class left...that's almost
50 minutes of class left...that's almost
40 minutes of class left...that's almost
30 minutes of class left...that's almost
20 minutes of class left...that's almost
10 minutes of class left...which means it's time to pack up my bags to leave.
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bong...bong...bong...bong
Finally...who would've thought those last ten minutes would take so long?
Sextus
Sextus mirrors Jason Schmaltz. I chose the name Sextus because in the Ecce Romani I and Ecce Romani II books, Sextus is a puer molestus--or annoying boy--which far too many people mistake Jason to be.
Bong...bong...bong...bong
Ah, American Lit. This class is SO much FUN! Too bad I'm not allowed to talk in here
except when called upon! I just don't understand it...a fellow speaks his mind, lets others
know what he's thinking out of a genuine need to communicate his thoughts and feelings,
and they want to staple his mouth shut! How terribly hypocritical of society! Well, I'm
not going to let that stop me from exercising MY free speech...maybe I'll go to the
auditorium and shout FIRE!...when they least expect it...I'LL TALK!
Levi: "Mrs. Sardoné, can we play a game?"
Sardoné: "Sure, Levi. We can do a little bit of interacting."
YES!!! A game! IT better be a fun game, though, because "I WANT
ENTERTAINMENT!" Hah! Bet they weren't expecting that now the game begins and
it's a review game for the Final tomorrow. That could be fun...not so hard of a review
either...transcendentalism, present tense, public shame and humiliation, modernism...it's
easy. Hey! Hey! She skipped me! "Sardoné, you skipped me!" I know she did it on
purpose just to annoy me, she's out to get me THAT WOMAN! Now she acts
condescendingly apologetic and asks me about one of the books we read in class. "Well,
ya know Mrs. Sardoné, funny thing about that book was, are you listening? okay, well the
funny thing was--and you better not laugh--it was just like that movie, you know, The
Great Gatsby." Oh, great, now she's laughing...I knew she'd laugh...Look at THAT...she
fell out of her chair! THAT WOMAN is mocking me! Now she's declaring an end to this
review, finally.
Sardoné: "Spend the rest of the class studying, I'm tired." I walk over to sit by my girl
Naryse...she pretends not to like me but she's just playing hard to get...What's this?
Hogan's moving in on my girl! That's what he thinks! He thinks just because he's such a
good wrestler he can have her, but I'll show him a thing or two..."I'll wrestle you to the
floor, Hogan!" Ah, the group is breaking up to pack up their belongings in order to be
ready to leave in a minutes...I guess I don't get to wrestle Hogan, well, he lucked
out...there goes Naryse...she can hardly contain her concern for my safety, I can tell. Uh,
oh. Sibyl's all packed up and gravitating toward the door, must be time to go...
bong...bong...bong...bong
Sigh...American Lit. is over. I hope Naryse is in another of my classes next semester, but
at least I won't have to see THAT WOMAN!!! again.
Peregrin
"Peregrin" comes from the Latin word "peregrinus" meaning foreigner and is meant to emulate the Amazing Amin who was the source of no end of annoyance.
at class early, im such a model student.
bong...bong...bong...bong
dumdeedumdeedum american literature--the perfect time to study for my french final dumdeedumdeedum
Levi: "Mrs. Sardoné, can we play a game?"
Peregrin: "That's such a stupid idea, Levi, 'cause you're so stupid."
Levi: "Shut your hole."
"That's stupid..."
"Shut your hole."
"But..."
"Shut your hole."
Sardoné: "Sure, Levi. We can do a little bit of interacting. I'll ask questions and go around the room so you can review for your Final tomorrow."
what a stupid idea THE AMAZING PEREGRIN wants to review for his french final, not this dumb american lit what a stupid idea dumdeedumdeedum that claude sitting in front of me things hes so smart cause hes always right hes wrong hes not so smart writing in that orange book dumdeedumdeedum
Sardoné: "Peregrin, what tense should be used in the introduction of a five paragraph essay?"
"Tense?" trick question: not tense, relaxed oh, time! "Past?"
"That is incorrect. Present tense is the correct answer."
present tense she should have been clear should have asked past or present shes wrong she has nothing on THE PERFECT PEREGRIN stupid teacher makes no sense
dumdeedumdeedum
bong...bong...bong...bong
THE AWESOME PEREGRIN goes to his next class ah! french! the perfect place to study for american literature if they leave me alone instead of asking stupid french review questions some of us already know everything...dumdeedumdeedum...
Dan
Dan is Dan Gibson. I did not change his name because there is nothing which could represent Dan any better than his own self.
Bong...bong...bong...bong
Another day of slaving for that woman.... Why did I ever want to be a teacher's aid in
the first place? So I could slack off but no other aids get to sit around reading magazines
or sleeping but not me! I have to work for Mrs. Sardoné. Only one more day...then it's on
to Team Sports instead. Won't that be fun--playing football, baseball, contact sports, even
volleyball with girls in skimpy gym clothes every day. Much better than just looking at
pictures in the magazines.... Only one more day. Sigh....
Now I go to get the old woman water. Every day I trek all the way down the hall to
the water fountain and back to fill her thermos every day. You'd think she would burst
and start leaking water at the seams every day. She takes the thermos without even
looking at me; a thank-you would be nice every day.
"Dan, I want you to search through my files and find their tests."
"Yes, Mrs. Sardoné." Just peachy. Now I have to flip through mountains of papers.
The tests an English teacher can accumulate.... YEEAAARRGGH!!! A PAPER CUT!
This is what I get for being such a studious aid. A paper cut! @#$* Ah, there they are.
Their tests. Right next to the Final. I wonder how much I could sell this for...at five
dollars a copy...or maybe ten.... To bad she'd notice if even one test went missing for the
span of time I'd need to make a copy.
The class plays some review game which I pretend not to hear. Seems more like
they're learning the stuff for the first time--how could they not know these answers? Even
I know them and I've tried not to learn anything this semester!
Mrs. Sardoné, "What literary movement began in New England and stressed one's
ability to transcend beyond this life?" I can't believe that girl doesn't know the answer! Or that one! It's transcendentalism you idiots! Uh oh. She's looking at me--I better pretend to work. Staple. Staple. Staple. staplestaplestaple Staple. Staple. Staple. staplestaplestaple Now a little hole-punching for good measure. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. WHAT! She wants more water! That woman is going to turn into a soggy mess and have to be swept out of here! I trek all the way down
the hall to the water fountain and back to fill her thermos. Every day. Now what? She
wants me to correlate data for her?! I don't even know what correlate means!
Grumblegrumble. I'll draw for a while and she'll think I'm working drawdrawdrawdraw.
That's enough of that; I'm ready to go so I look at the clock--forty minutes of class left!
$#!@ drawdrawdrawdraw. I can't stand it anymore! Let's see how long it takes them to
notice if I stare at the class for a while. Dumdeedumdeedum...stare...stare...stare.
Sardoné's noticed, but they haven't. And what's Claude doing writing in that little orange
book of his anyway? He's the oddest of them all. Oh, great. She's tired of giving them a
review for the Final tomorrow, so now she's going to come torture me. Sardoné walks
from her seat at the front of the room over to her main desk where I sit.
Now that the review is over, the class is in chaos she thinks they'll study just because
the Final's tomorrow. Yeah, right. The fact that she's patrolling the room doesn't' help
either; they just draw her into conversations too. How much longer do I have to sit here?
Only five minutes more says the clock oh blessed clock! I should have known it was time
to go, Sibyl packed up her bookbag some time ago.
Bong...bong...bong...bong
I'm free! Team Sports girls, here I come...!
Levi
Levi is a pale imitation of Ben Armstrong. The name "Levi" comes from the Latin adjective levis, levis, leve meaning simple[minded] and Ben certainly is.
Bong...bong...bong...bong
Doodeedumdeedoo...maybe we'll watch a movie today take a break from "studying"
afterall the Final is tomorrow...aw, no TV in the room...maybe we'll play a game today
take a break from "studying" afterall the Final is tomorrow... "Mrs. Sardoné, can we play
a game?"
Peregrin: "Bzzz'z bzzz z bzzzzz bzzz Bzzz 'zzzzz bzz'zz bz bzzzzz."
"Shut your hole, Peregrin."
"Bzzz'z bzzzzz..."
"Shut your hole."
"Bzz..."
"Shut your hole."
Sardoné: "Sure, Levi. Bz bzz bz z bzzzzz bzz bz bzzzzzzzzzz. B'zz bzz bzzzzzzzz bzz
bz bzzzzz bzz bzzz bz b'zzz bzz bzzzzz bzz bzzz Bzzzz bzzzzzzz."
All right! A game a game a game a game a game!!! We get to play a game we get to play
a game we get to play a game! Doodeedumdeedoo...dumdeedoodeedum... She's asking
review questions who wants to review the day before the Final we have to take a test
tomorrow she shouldn't be testing us over what's on the test today when we have to take
the test tomorrow I don't like this game this game is BO-ring! Good thing I brought my
plastic coke bottle with me...oooooh! Look! It balances on the desk! oooooh! Look! It
bounces if I hit something with it! oooooh! and the sounds it makes...much better than
some BO-ring game...I could do this for hours...
Bong...bong...bong...bong
Oh, I have. Well, at least it was time well spent and not wasted working on a test today that I have to take tomorrow...deedoodumdoodee...
Sardoné
Sardoné is my own personal charicature of Mrs. Gillham. The name "Sardoné" obviously comes from the beautiful word "sardonic"--meaning bitterly sarcastic--and is an inadequate attempt to describe her occasionally caustic yet always hilarious sense of humor.
Bong...bong...bong...bong
Only one more day with these culturally bereft, empty headed excuses for children!
Ninety more minutes three times over that I must endure--then it's all over for a little
while--then it begins again best not to think of that yet it will be all over soon after today.
I will miss some of them but not much and I'll be free at last free at last! Just a little more
playing school and...
"Mrs. Sardoné, can we play a game?"
Final Exams start tomorrow, and he wants to play a game. How did he ever get in this
class, how will he ever pass it? "Sure, Levi. We can do a little bit of interacting. I'll ask
questions and go around the room so y'all can review for your Final tomorrow." Speaking
of tests, I should call out their scores on the last test they took, they always want to know
their grades: what'd I make on this? have you graded that yet? when'll you grade mine?
The whining never never never stops. Now for the review. "I'll do this review for as long
as I can stand it," they're going to drive me insane insane insane "30-40 minutes." I ask
simple blatant questions yet they fail to answer again again again. "What literary
movement began in New England and stressed one's ability to transcend beyond this life?"
Twice two separate fools stutter out excuses of ignorance how can they not know
anything? do they sleep while I teach? do they pay no attention? finally one answers
"Transcendentalism?" making it a question. Few take notes furiously little do they know
they will fail anyway looks as if Sibyl pretends to take notes but is really writing a note to
a friend she is so superficial she has learned well to hide things behind a false exterior.
"Peregrin, what tense should be used in the introduction of a five paragraph essay?"
"Tense? Past?"
For eighteen weeks I've drilled into their hollow heads that essays use present tense.
PRESENT TENSE and he says past! "That is incorrect. Present tense is the correct
answer." This becomes far too annoying to put up with much longer "I'm beginning to run
out of steam" Perhaps if I tell them to study by themselves they'll leave me alone and have
only themselves to blame when they fail the test tomorrow...Good Deal. "Spend the rest
of the class studying; I'm tired." for eighteen weeks I slaved to imprint upon them the
knowledge of American literature only a dead person could have avoided learning
something yet they have done just that. Perhaps I should check their pulses. Now the
class devolves into murmured socializing with only the barest pretenses at studying soon
that too will be gone. I can see the F's dance before my eyes already. Now Sibyl
complains that she needs quiet to study thus completing her excuse for slacking off, I'd
almost think she was intelligent--there's that fake exterior again. Claude sits at his desk
taking notes in that orange book of his--how odd he is. Now he moves to join another
group--the few who show some vestige of intelligence seem to have gathered together to
endure the rest of this torture. Claude, Huck, and Dennis all sit near one another and
converse. Others come and go from the group but the core remains constant. Claude
leaves group, returns to his desk, interest concerning his orange book waxes. Perhaps if I
patrol the room, they will pretend to study.... No, all pretenses have dropped--it's just as
well, only five minutes remaining. tick tick tick goes the clock. Already the lazy bums
have begun packing up anticipating the ringing of the bell that they may leave. Little do
they know that I anticipate that same moment for the same reason....
Bong...bong...bong...bong
The class is over; they leave! Thank God I'm free at last free at last!
continue