Matthews Joke Page!!

MY JOKES!!

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
Aftermass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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A man came home early one day and found his wife in bed with his best friend. He shot the wife, but decided to give the dog another chance.

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A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
Bartender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if
you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says no.
Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in
the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:
"What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot,"sneered the burglar.
"What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

There were three mokeys sitting in a tree
The First fell out cause it was dead
The Second fell out cause it was holding the first one
The Third Fell out cause It thought is was a game

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