1. If you are going to make a left turn, you are not allowed to touch your brakes until you put on your turn signal. If there is a turn lane, get in the lane before you touch your brakes. If you don't, a dog will poop on your lawn.

2. If you are in the left-most lane at a red light, and it is not a turn lane, if you turn on your left blinker and hold up traffic AFTER the light turns green you will be brought before a Mexican firing squad and forced to eat scorpions. You MUST turn on your blinker while aproaching the intersection so that other cars can get in the right lane and avoid you.

3. If you are merging into a highway, you need to be going at least the speed limit. 40 mph is not going to get us there, old woman in the blue car!!! It will only get Me killed. I will take your license away and give it to your underaged granddaughter to buy beer.

4. If I am going the speed limit, it is okay to ride my ass. If I am going at least 5mph over the speed limit, BACK UP. If I am in the left-most lane of the highway, and it is obvious I am not the one holding up traffic, you cannot get up on my bumper. If you do, I will fill your house with baked beans and then burn it down.

5. If I obviously let you into traffic as a favor and you do not give me a Thank You Wave, I will lock you in a room with Redman and Method Man and they will get to do whatever they want to you. And it will be bad.

6. If you are hot and I am following you because of this, you must hold up your phone number so I can see it. If you don't, you have to give me your email address.

7. If you are the Texas "Police Officer" that gave me a ticket for entering an intersection when the TURN ARROW WAS YELLOW, then jumped out of his car and asked how much I'd had to drink because you were on a DUI detail but didn't expect to find a guy coming from a soccer game going to see a movie by his favorite director, but gave me a ticket anyways... well, if you see me coming you better run.

8. I reserve the right to create new laws as more people piss me off.