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VIEWER MAIL!!!
Well, it's good to be back. I was finally able to check my
e-mail after 4 long months at home with no internet access. And
much to my delight, I found that people have been reading my
page!! Woop. Anyways, I got a few e-mails from people and
thank god some of them were negative because I love having new
people to hate. I'll put them up as I get them... hope you enjoy.
From: Axel G <axelg@ionet.net>
--
Great page, Matt. Always refreshing to
meet another curmudgeon who seems to subscribe to the
"...kindness for those who deserve it, rather than love
wasted on ingrates" approach.
Contemptibly regarding the ignorant,
clueless masses,
From: Tony Saurini
<tony.saurini@acceler8.com>
--
That titanic thing has got to be one of
the fu**ing funniest originalthings I have seen onlin in I
dont know how long.
I been reading it instead of working,
but am now leaving early yo enjoy your owrk in the privacy of
my own home.
Mind if I link to this?
_slappy
<as in slappy@slappyjack.com>
http;//www.slappyjack.com
------
Link to your heart's content. And just
as a side note, the "titanic thing" is not
something that I have written. I got it out of a paper here
at college. I'm not sure who to give credit to for it.
From: Robin Eileen
<kds3@macomb.com>
--
You sound very interesting! *grin*
Lizzy ICQ# ********
------
I'm not really sure what this has to do
with feedback on my webpage, but I like it just the same.
From: Mark McElwain
<mcelwain@hotmail.com>
--
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT I HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY. YOUR TAKE ON SORORITY GIRLS IS NOT
FRESH...IT'S PRETTY DAMN TIRED ACTUALLY. JUST BECAUSE THOSE
GIRLS, AND PROBABLY ANY OTHER GIRL, WOULDN'T TOUCH YOU WITH A
TEN FOOT POLE, DONT' WISH DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT ON THEM.
GOOD TASTE SHOULD NEVER DIE. YOU AND YOUR "POSSE"
ARE PRETTY WEAK. FEEL FREE TO DISREGARD THIS EMAIL OR PASS IT
AROUND YOUR COMPUTER SCIENCE GEEK BROS BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY
WANT TO GET FLAME MAIL SINCE IT'S THE ONLY ATTENTION YOU
GET...EXCEPT WHEN YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD OR SOMETHING LAME AND
DUMB ABOUT HOW "SOCIALLY ELITE" GREEKS ARE COMES
OUT OF YOUR PIE HOLE. NICE PAGE. NICE JOB. SORRY IF I
DISRUPTED YOUR YAHOO SEARCH FOR TENN GIRLS. I'LL PROBABLY SEE
YOU ON THE NEWS BUSTED IN SOME UNABOMBER TEEN PORN STING.
LATE
------
Wow. What a thoroughly confusing
letter. One minute I'm both "lame" and
"dumb", in capital letters mind you, and then the
next I'm being complimented on what a great job I've done. As
much as it upsets me not to be "fresh", I'd like to
point out the lack of proof on this crackhead's part. What
makes my take so un-fresh? He doesn't even attempt to show
any evidence of depth in a sorority girl, not that there
isn't any in some, or refute my opinion that most of them are
completely fake. He simply attacks my sexual prowess, or lack
thereof. Great letter. You display what lack of cognitive
thought looks like in a person.
Just to clarify; my little segment on
sorority girls was an attempt at sarcasm and was written in a
"mood". I didn't mean it to represent all sorority
girls, merely %95 of the ones I have run into at this school.
Perhaps there should be an I.Q. disclaimer on that segment.
I'll think about it... LATE.
From: Allison Skwarlo
<askwarlo@ea.oac.uci.edu>
--
Hello, Matt. I happened to stumble
across your rant page while I was idly surfing the net. The
description on Yahoo interested me, it was something like
Jesus, Titanic and sorority girls. I thought, "hmm,
what could one possibly have to do with the
others?" so I checked it out
Interesting. My verdict is that your
not half as disturbed as you want to present yourself, but
you do a pretty good job at presenting yoursel fas such. ^_^
--
First of all, that Jesus video sounds
pretty funny... I can't believe the nerve of some people,
leaving it on your door like that. =P I wonder how many
converts they get from that video... heh heh.
--
Second, I think you're looking that the
moving Titanic all wrong... the love story was not intended
to be the main point of the movie, even though ti was the
main plot. It is a device to draw on our emotions and bring
us closer to the actual tragedy that occured. Most of us,
when we see a bunch of people dying in a movie, will say,
"Oh... bummer... hey, haha, look! That dude hit the
propeller on the way down! Yeeaaaah baybee!" Or
something like that, right? So James Cameron gave us this
nice romantic love story so we could get involved with these
two characters and then wehn the tragedy strikes, we're
supposed to think "Wow... it sure was sad that Leo
died... but what's even MORE sad is that stories like
that really DID happen! What a tragedy." Of course,
there are the multitudes of 13 year olds who bypass the
historical reality completely and just cry,
"Leoooooo!" But never mind them. ^_^ You're older,
you should know better.
The movie is about more than a love
story. Go watch it again and try to pick up on that history
bit. ^_-
--
Thirdly... your rant on sorority girls
is... interesting. I am a sorority girl myself, but I'm not
particularly offended at your rant. I draw the conclusion
that because you go to a small liberal arts college in Ohio
(shudder), the sorority girls are probably infinitely more
annoying and pretentions than they are wehre I got to school,
University of California at Irvine. Out here on the West
Coast, we're a lot more laid-back ("we" being
people in general), and so the entire Greek system is not as
big of a deal as it must be in the mid-West. I hear that at
some schools out there, if you're not in a sorority or a
fraternity, you're just NOT cool. That would scare me,
frankly, and if that's how your school is, I can understand
your attitude. Sororities and fraternities are great, in my
opinion, coming from my experience. They're fun, give you a
way to get involved on campus, etc etc... but they would NOT
be so great if they were practically compulsory. At my
school, if you want to be in a greek organization- cool. If
not- cool. Here at UCI, we're famous for Student Apathy. So
being in a sorority is a way to get past that. ^_^ But it's
nice to feel that one has a choice... that one won't be a
total pariah if they don't join a greek organization. In
fact, I'm in my third year and just joined my sorority this
year. I did not suffer any social withdrawal before I joined.
I lived in the dorms my first two years, and had a built-in
group of friends there. When I moved into an apartment, I
found it a lot more difficult to meet people and be social,
other than with my roommates, so the sorority turned out just
right for me.
--
BTW, I don't consider being in a
sorority "paying for my friends." Before I joined
one, I did. But then i realized that it's not like you just
go into a sorority arbitrarily. They choose you, and you
choose them. It's mutual. You want to be with them, and they
want youa sa a part of their group. Furthermore, sororities
do a lot more activities than just any old random group of
friends... like formals, luas, etc... and these events cost
money. It also costs money to maintain the house, and to buy
the badge, etc. So the money IS going somewhere. It's
not like you're just paying to hang out with people. And if a
person can't make friends wihtout joining a sorority... that
IS sad. I have friends outside of my sorority. The sorority
just give me MORE friends, more people who have things
in common with myself, and mroe things to do! ^_^
--
For the record, I do NOT like
fraternity guys (my boyfriend is a nice computer geek, thank
you ^_^), I do NOT like beer (icky icky icky!! Give
me a can of Jolt any day), and I do NOT have a boob job nor
do any of my sisters (they freakin' leak in ten years
anyway!).
--
I know that in a rant, it's fun to make
nice, unfounded, sweeping generalizations like that, but
I just wanted to let you know that all sorority girls
are not as evil as the ones you have evidently encountered.
--
My overal advice to you? Get the
HELL out of Ohio!! ^_^
Allison Rose Skwarlo
------
Hey! Thanks for the e-mail. I really
enjoy getting feedback on my webpage every now and then.
--
> First of all, that Jesus video
sounds pretty funny... I can't believe the
> nerve of some people, leaving it
on your door like that. =P I wonder how
> many converts they get from that
video... heh heh.
--
Yeah... that Jesus video was a trip. My
friends and I watched most of it in fast forward so that the
last supper took about 2 and a half seconds... there's a
friggin' miracle if you ask me.
--
> Second, I think you're looking
that the movie Titanic all wrong... the
> love story was not intended to be
the main point of the movie, even
> though it was the main plot. It is
a device to draw on our emotions and
> bring us closer to the actual
tragedy that occured. Most of us, when we
> see a bunch of people dying in a
movie, will say, "Oh... bummer... hey,
> haha, look! That dude hit the
propeller on the way down! Yeeaaaah
> baybeee!" Or something like
that, right? So James Cameron gave us this
> nice romantic love story so we
could get involved with these two
> characters and then when the
tragedy strikes, we're supposed to think
> "Wow... it sure was sad that
Leo died... but what's even MORE sad is that
> stories like that really DID
happen! What a tragedy."
--
My argument to this is that the
"love story" which was intended to get us involved
with the two characters so that the tragedy strikes us more
effectively is that, this love story was incredibly lame.
When Leonardo was standing on the front of the boat screaming
and hooting I thought I was going to lose my lunch at the
utter cheese being splayed across the screen in front of me.
I just couldn't get involved with the characters because I
think they were too contrived, too stereotyped. I can totally
appreciate the historical value of the movie Titanic. I
thought the special effects were incredible and seeing all
those frozen, lifeless bodies floating around in the ocean
did have an impact on me. There are a few reasons, though,
that I think I didn't like it... besides the wildly hilarious
reasons I put on my page. I mean, you said that the really
sad thing about the movie Titanic was that things like that
really did happen to people. Okay... I'll grant that much.
But, what I have a problem with is how we're fed the same
generic characters which have been adapted to the plot of
every movie. It's like they just pop these beautiful faces
into a mold and give them a worthy cause and they're supposed
to be heroes. I mean, I could just as easily have placed
Leonardo in the bus from Speed and cast that Winslet woman as
the spunky bus driver with beauty and intelligence. The movie
would have flown just as well, if not better because I think
Keanu Reeves is a terrible actor. For me, the most powerful
set of characters in the entire movie was the old couple
holding each other on their bed as the water rose and the
short image we get of the mother reading a bedtime story to
her children with death knocking on their door. These are the
characters I can connect with. These are the characters who
speak without speaking... their anguish and suffering is
portrayed through the images the movie shows us, much like
the words in poetry show us what it is like to feel pain
instead of just saying, "I felt pain." I don't
think it's Titanic in particular that I have a problem with,
I just think that it's the utterly uncreative nature of
Hollywood in general. This deep hatred I have for the cliche
and unoriginal is by no means limited to the movies which are
currently being released to the public. Let's take one of the
hot, new "artists" on the music scene... Puff
Daddy. I mean... COME ON!!!! The guy raps like he's got a
speech impediment and EVERY song he puts out is simply an
older one with the words taken out and his slurred, monotone
voice dubbed in over it. This is supposed to be ART? What
happened to the days when people sat down and MADE music and
MADE a statment? Am I THAT conservative? (by the way, I don't
meant to sound angry, I just get weird every time I think
about Puff Slurry). Maybe I just hold the entertainment
industry as a whole to a higher standard than most and I
probably should lighten up a little bit, but, and I can say
this with relative certainty, I am a creative individual. I
enjoy writing and expressing myself through words and I have
a certain appreciation for original thoughts, ideas and takes
on movies and music. Even original is too harsh a word. I
think that I simply have respect for the thoughtful, the
thought provoking and the insightful. Titanic was one of
those movies I saw once, got the story down, and I'll never
need to go see it again. I immediately filed it away with
other movies I don't need to see again like
"Twister" and "Independence Day". I
didn't think it lived up to all the hype it produced and I
was really disappointed by it because I actually wanted to go
see it. I'd also like to mention that my dislike of Titanic
in no way was stemmed from a dislike of Leonardo DeCaprio. I
actually just saw Romeo & Juliet this past week and I
thought it was incredible! Everything from the music to the
cinematography was just completely stimulating. Plus, it was
highly original. I mean, the idea to adapt this classic story
of love and tragedy into our society was great. That movie
should have won some academy awards, not Titanic.
--
> Thirdly... your rant on sorority
girls is... interesting.
--
hahaha! I'm glad you liked it.
Actually, it's really funny because I was reading the
signature file on your e-mail and I noticed that you're an
AXO. The ONLY sorority girls I hang out with on this campus
are AXO's. They're less "Greek" than the rest of
the vacuous blobs involved in the organizations on campus. I
actually don't really hate the Greek system as a whole. I
know a lot of people who choose to be Greek and I applaud
them. All of my friends who are Greek have good heads on
their shoulders, as it sounds like you do as well. I think
what I object to, on this campus in particular, is the
brainless mentality which is embraced and nurtured by most of
the Greeks here. It's not about "brotherhood" or
"fraternity" to most of the frat guys I've met,
frats simply provide a way for them to get laid on a weekly
basis. It's the same with most of the sorority girls on this
campus as well. They get decked out in their all black
clothes that are skin-tight and prance their boobs around for
all the guys to see. I think it's disgusting. It's actually
kind of strange because I really wasn't sure I wanted to put
that rant on my page originally. I was afraid that it would
give the impression that I dispise all Greeks, but I realized
in reading your e-mail was that the only people who would
think that I really had a deathwish for all Greek people are,
in fact, really stupid. I mean, you read it and you took it
for what it was... a repressed venting of emotions. I figure
that any sorority girl who reads it and gets pissed off
instead of being able to laugh at the utter stupidity some
Greek organizations choose to display will be too intimidated
to write me in rebuttal. Those sorority girls, interestingly
enough, are probably the ones who do have to pay for their
friends.
--
> I do NOT like beer (icky icky
icky!! Give me a can of Jolt any day)
--
You don't like beer huh? That's cool...
blasphemer... minion of satan... j/k
--
> My overall advice to you? Get the
HELL out of Ohio!! ^_^
--
Yeah... out of Ohio... I've only got a
week and a half before I head back home to good old Atlanta.
Now I get to encounter social deviancy in an entirely
different form... woop. Thanks again for the e-mail. I really
enjoyed reading it and am flattered that you took the time to
write me in such detail. I'll talk to you later!
-Matt
--
This is an e-mail I sent back
to her... I didn't feel like trying to say everything I said
over again, so I just cut and pasted. Whee.
From: Stan Czepiel
<madiscool@worldnet.att.net>
--
I enjoyed your insert on the typical
sorority girl...I am unfortunately wrapped in the realm of
stupidity, but I must admit it has helped me meet people
simply because I am forced to be a bit social. You probably
won't hear many of us ding dong girls admit this, but what
you said for the most part is very true. It humored me a
great deal, surprisingly enough....
Thanks
From: Matthew Hill (weird)
Hey! It's always really eerie to
run across someone with the same name. I guess I'd
better get used tho...I checked out your homepage and I
thought you'd be interested in mine.
matt hill. boulder, co
usa
http://rtt.colorado.edu/~mehill
This is a truly interesting page. From
what I can tell, this guy likes climbing mountains and making
pictures of meat with facial expressions... wheew. It's a
cool page though... check it.
From: Alison Catherine Altman
I actually found most of your page
funny, except for the sorority part.
Being a "sorority girl," it find it
irritating that someone who seems
to be somewhat intelligent would stereotype an entire
organization that
way. Yes, there are a lot of sluts, idiots, and
annoying girls that
belong to sororities. But our sole purpose in life is
not to be "cup
holders" for fraternities, and we don't join sororities
because we have
to "buy our friends." It seems that you're
just bitter, my guess is
that you hit on a couple of sorority girls at some point and
they all
rejected you. Sorry ...
This letter is a bit more difficult to
dicipher. She starts off by applauding "most" of my
page and then, like a great deal of flame letters I've
gotten, goes on to attack my nether regions. As I have said
before, I realize that there are a lot of sorority girls who
are cool and if you read my ENTIRE page, then you probably
would see that. However, I would like to point out that Miss
Altman does nothing to show me exactly what it is that makes
being a sorority girl so interesting and special. I would
also like to add that she basically tells me I don't like
sorority girls because they won't sleep with me... but I
thought sorority girls were about more than just sex? Maybe I
don't like sorority girls because they can't give me a
dualistic theory of mind and body or perhaps it's their
inability to provide tangible evidence for their cause... did
you ever think about that? Hmm? Good try though. Keep
thinkin' there tiger.
I found your site looking for another
Matt Hill, a friend of mine that
is an actor... but I must say yours has been far more
interesting and
entertaining than his. I have never seen Titanic, and I
appreciate you
boiling down the 3 hours of crap down to 3 minutes of true
entertainment. :)
Lisa Mobley
Thanks much for the compliments.
Actually, Titanic isn't that bad if you're super lonely. Leo
is quite a piece of arse ifyouknowwhatImean!
I must say that I am proud to be one of
your two fans. I found your
page completely on accident, while looking up something
totally
unconnected. And I'm not saying this just because we
share the same
name. You're quite amusing, and I wish I could have an
actual
conversation with you. ('Course, still being a lowly
high school
student, you probably wouldn't be seen with me in public to
save your
grandmother.)
Still, I have a question: how do you feel about the Scream
series (okay,
there's only two, but a third one's coming out soon)? I
know a lot of
people don't like it due to the constant pop culture
references and it's
lack of frights (while others like FOR those reasons), so I
thought I
might get your opinion.
-Matt Price
Thanks for the compliments. And I
really don't care who I hang out with so long as they let me
smoke.
Hmm... the Scream series. That's a
tough one. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually liked
the first movie because it was a horror movie that made fun
of itself. It was different for just that reason. Now it's
just gotten blown totally out of proportion. There have been
a million spin offs that are basically kiddie porn with
knives, hooks and blood. They're a way to push these Party of
Melrose pretty boys and pouty lipped school girls to the
masses. I'm just waiting for "Scream Like You Did Last
Summer" to come out starring Hanson and those evil
little twins from Full House. They'd be trying to stop the
Barbie patrol, Aaron Spelling's latest wet dream, from
killing all the nerds in their high school. Yeah, I don't
like those movies very much.
As a sorority girl with breast implants
and a big fan of Leo i was pretty
irate after reading your web page. No i do not have to by
freinds nor do i
feel like a cup holder for frat boys. Having been raised
Mormom i was pretty
offended by your take on God. You pathetic little geek! Get a
life! I mean
itt's like totally bogus, ya know??!! Totally! And get some
better taste in
music! Listen to Hootie for awhile, it's like totally
awesome!!!! Besides that
it sounds like you have a huge cock for a non-frat boy, and i
like totally
want it baby!! well later and put some more pictures up
of your sexy self!
Buffy
p.s.--->whose Ayn Rand???
I really have no idea what to say to
this. "Prozac" is probably the word I'm looking
for.
matt,
i just read your rant page and found it thoughtful and oft
humerous. i'm
sorry you are such an angry, bitter person. you are
fortunate you have
friends at school and attend such a beautiful university as
denison. i
really liked your sorority girl rant ( never had much luck
with women in high school?-low self esteem?) but your rant
against
christianity is rooted in ignorance of jesus' ministry.
(oh no,another
zealot) i'm sure some televangelists are crooked but don't
hold it against
God. you can't hate a car manufacturer because your
particular make and
model was a lemon.
Wait... why can't I hold it against god
that some Televangelists are crooked? Didn't he create them
to come mess with my life? Doesn't he, according to the Bible
possess Omnipotent powers? Can't he not have crooked
Televangelists so that we don't get confused and irritated?
It seems to me that god intentionally makes our lives more
difficult than they need to be. That's what I don't
understand. Let's assume for a second that God does exist. If
that god is a good god and an all powerful god, then he can
make it so that we can see him and honor him or whatever...
at least provide some tangible evidence that "we are his
flock" or something. But no... he doesn't. I still don't
know why a god who is all powerful and almighty would even
see the need for our approval in the first place. It would be
kind of like looking for reassurance in my stool sample. And
as far as your "car" metaphor goes, yes you can
hate a car manufacturer because a car they make sucks. Why do
you think Yugo's are so damn cheap? Why do you think that a
Porsche costs a testicle? One car sucks deek while the other
is a work of art. If I buy a car and it dies after 25,000
miles then damn right I'm blaming it on the car company!
Anyhoo... back to your letter.
christian films are about bringing the
stories to the
t.v., to those who can't or won't read the bible, they're not
trying to win
an oscar for best special effects, indeed those production
companies don't
have a lot of funds to work with anyway. would you have
been more touched
if james cameron has directed it or if digital domain did the
effects? i
doubt it.
I think I did say that it would be cool
if James Cameron directed a movie about god... I thought that
was fairly self explanatory. My point was simply that the
movie sucked and it would be pretty hilarious if it actually
converted anyone. Maybe they should have used sock puppets or
something.
so what if some volunteers left a video
at your door. maybe
they care enough for you, a stranger, to offer you a free
tape (it cost
somebody some money to produce, edit, copy and package)
did they knock on
your door? ring your phone? bore you with scripture? (unless
they were
witnesses).
That's not the point. It makes me angry
because they assume it won't bother me if they leave their
precious movie on my door. Let's say, hypothetically, I were
a racist. Let's say I was in an activist group. Would you
want me leaving video tapes on your door? Now, I'm not saying
that christians are racists, but merely saying that by
promoting the distribution of christian propaganda on the
door knobs of strangers, suddenly we have to face the issues
of what that implies. ANYONE can now leave things on our
doors. People aren't allowed into our dorms, unless they live
here, after 12 am. So, what that means is that
somehow, these Christian "ninjas" or whatever you
want to call them got into all of our dorms to put these
things on here. It makes me angry because I don't feel like
other beliefs or other causes get the liberties that the
christian organizations do on this campus and it's
unfortunate because people, in return, stay ignorant.
you know, it's ironic that people will deride televangelists
for their
money collecting tactics, but make no mention of inflated
concert ticket
and band t shirt prices but when a t.v or radio preacher asks
for money,
a)it's scriptural, b)donations are how they keep the lights
on, the staff
paid, the rent paid and to fund outreach programs, c)they
have no tangible
product to sell and d)government gives them no assistance.
public radio and tv has telethons every three months and they
run it
into the ground for hours on end telling you to donate a
couple of hundred
dollars for an "official" golf shirt and sport
bag(?)
Listen, my beef is not with the concert
ticket or music industry. Well, I've got beef with them, but
it really has nothing to do with that issue. There are so
many things about this one paragraph I have to say, so I'm
going to split it up.
First, they are selling a product.
They're selling God to everyone. Don't try and tell me that
they're not. They show people with "spiritual"
problems being miraculously saved by their "vow of
faith" which they had to take a second mortgage on their
trailer to get. But now they're fine. Billy Bob got a job at
the local food mart and they're all happy again. It's like an
antacid commercial really. They show people with spiritual
"gas". It makes them uncomfortable and they're not
much fun to be around. Hellish farting and acid indigestion.
In comes "God" who was grown from your "vow of
faith", which is rooted in your wallet I believe. You
take God just before dinner and you feel wonderful
afterwards! Thanks GOD!
Another thing, who said that this guy
preaching "The Gospel" has any right to demand all
those things, i.e. Lights, blah blah. I've met a lot of
ministers and pastors in my life and not one of them ever
depended on my donation. What does god need money for? That's
still my question. He calls it a "vow of faith"
which implies that you've got to give it up to god in order
to get some. I suppose I would have more respect for him if
he were like, "Look, God wants to help you, but I need
some damn light bulbs in here, so cough it up." That
would be mroe to the point I guess.
the ani difranco show you went to, did she ask for a
donation? no, her
people told you how much it would cost to see her for a
couple of hours and
listen to her deride the establishment or whatever.
what did you gain from
the show, what did you learn? how can you benefit humanity by
her teaching?
(nothing against her or her music) if you're not part of the
solution,
you're part of the problem.
Actually I got into the show for five
bucks because it was a school trip. And I took a lot away
from that concert. It is refreshing to see someone so
independent and someone who couldn't really care less about
anyone. She does things her own way and I admire her for
that. For that reason, it was worth my five dollars to go see
her. And I don't have to benefit humanity. I never signed up
for that class. I just paid my money to go. There wasn't a
contract or anything saying I had to go do public service
afterwards. Again, I don't think it's fair to compare. Ani
Difranco didn't claim to be able to heal any spiritual part
of me. She did exactly what was advertised. I don't think Mr.
Tilton does that. He claims that by giving him money God will
fix your life when in fact that is a straight up LIE. You
know it, I know it and he knows it. Besides, if it's the
truth, then we're all screwed because Church just won't cut
it anymore. The guy's full of crap and I can't believe
someone as coherent as you would stoop to defend him.
please understand i am not sending you this to insult you,
your opinion or
freedom of expression. i just found your page, read it and
thought it was
kinda funny. in fact i wasn't going to write this, but
i wanted to maybe
offer a viewpoint about the jesus people you may not have
considered in
your anger towards seemingly everyone that is not like you.
i.e religious
types, the rich and popular and stupid people as you label
some (again,
just an observation). i'm sure you're a pretty decent
guy and again,
fortunate to attend an expensive and technically christian
private college.
i hope your education will serve you well out here in the
world. i may
look in on your page in the future to see what's new. thanks
for your time and attention
---
This came to me from someone called
"M". No idea... I think he/she was afraid I would
retaliate or something for it. MUAHAHAHAHA! I'm going to
polish my guns pa.
Hey Matt,
Stumbled on your page while looking for Marilyn Manson stuff
(not by
choice; the newspaper I work for is doing a story on him and
I need links)
and just wnated to compliment you on a well-written and quite
funny page.
In this line of work I see a lot of crappy web pages done by
fifteen year
olds whose parents don't give them enough chores to do. I've
seen about
three dozen of those kinds of pages today. Someone needs to
tell these kids
that "you suck" is not the worst thing you can say
to a person.
It's a nice change of pace to come across a personal page on
the internet
for someone who can coherently express his anger. And it
doesn't hurt that
all your rants are about personal pet peeves of mine (well, I
was a
sorority girl in college, but only for a couple of years and
I was young
and naive. Sue me.)
Good luck,
Jennifer Osorio
Online Editor
www.miaminewtimes.com
www.newtimesbpb.com
P.S. The story on Manson will be up on our website on
Thursday, if you're
interested. It's www.miaminewtimes.com Full disclosure: My fiancee wrote it.
---
Cool. An editor liked my page. Can I
have a job? hehe... thanks though, keep visiting.
hi matt,
just wanted to let you know that i found your site hilarious.
i
accidentally stumbled across it at work so i didn't have time
to read
it thoroughly, but the sorority girl fantasy, cracked me up.
i,
myself, have had similar fantasies (well not in quite the
same
detail) about people like that. basically, just put on earth
to
annoy other people. i live in s. fla., so i see many of the
blonde
bimbos you speak of just wondering around trying not to fall
over
from the weight of their chest. anyway, i'll be sure to check
out
your site when i have more time to read it over.
debbie
---
Thanks for the mail. The herds
of blondes here often find delight in wetting people's beds.
I don't really find that annoying or anything, as long as
it's not my bed. Urination seems to be a common theme for
many of the "brighter" bulbs on this campus.
I love your
https://www.angelfire.com/ga/matthillica/screaming.html
website
I just happened to surf on in..... It made me laugh SOOO
Hard... specially the short version of the titantic!
thanks for the smiles it brang to my face!
kathy
---
yes, if only more people could discover
the wonderful short version of that story, so many hours of
valuable human life would be saved. People could spend time
procrastinating on the web, for instance. We would be a much
more productive culture without that god awful movie. (I'm
not bitter... just a little phaklempt). Oh, I don't know if I
mentioned it or not, but I didn't make the "short
version of Titanic"... I got it out of The Bullsheet
here... no idea who made it. I shall bask in thier glory
though. (evil laugh)
you really are bitter about sorority
girls... what, one wouldnt suck your
dick??? hahaha, get over yourself little man.
Tridelta LOVE LOVE LOVE. Beth
---
Hey Beth, thanks for the e-mail. I
especially love how she aims straight for the crotch in this
one. Oh, and by the way Tri Delt "LOVE LOVE LOVE"
has spread like wildfire across campus, laying over half the
male population here and spreading god knows how many
diseases. Thanks for the love, but there's just too much to
go around as is. Besides, I'm rather picky about where I put
Mr. Happy. Of course, if I ever find myself in dire need of a
place to put him, I know whose door to knock on.
-----Original
Message-----
From: Lucifer Quasar <hellshorse@hotmail.com>
To: hill_m@cc.denison.edu <hill_m@cc.denison.edu>
Date: Monday, April 26, 1999 7:43 PM
Subject: Revolution
when Lucifer's cock sprays the toxic
mustard semen onto this petty
world I will be safe from the wrath of the Cyclops
Revolution. Me and
all the other pariahs such as Hitler, Stalin, Henry Lee
Lucas, and the
God of F*ck himself will move on to a higher existance while
stupid
petty f*cks of this world feed the scavengers with tth stupid
rotting
carcasses you faggots idalize will incinerate in a ball of
flames and
a column of smoke a million miles high. Laugh if you want to,
stupid
insect, while I build my clique of demons go to the ninth
ring of
hell.
With contempt,
Zodiak, Dog of Satan
--------------------
-----Original
Message-----
From: Lucifer Quasar <hellshorse@hotmail.com>
To: hill_m@cc.denison.edu <hill_m@cc.denison.edu>
Date: Monday, April 26, 1999 8:02 PM
Subject: Ain't got no Revolution, but I can fuckin' kill.
>When I first saw your stupid
site I was horrified. You were
>anti-Mariyn! I don't like Marilyn, or Rob Zombie or any
other sh*t
>like that! But I am a Monster Magnet, Venom, and Exhile
fan. They are
>like the others but better. Marilyn never had the guts to
dope up on
>horse and miltdown and cut open his cock on stage. Or
f*ck a dog, or
>set fire to himself or roll in a bed of nails. And it's
dicks like you
>who never seem to die. I f*ck dogs, and sacrifice calves
with my cult
>the Voodoo Dogf*ckers. I should have never told you about
the
>Revolution where you will die. The Snake Dance is done
but not the
>Floor Show. Now I will bleed. Be seeing you, Stupid
Insect.
>
Zodiak, Dog of Satan
---
Hmm... I think there's little I can say
about these two e-mails. I really have no idea what it was
about my page exactly that drove this guy to e-mail me the
barnyard fun that makes up his life. Especially since he
doesn't really point out anything exactly that pissed him
off. He doesn't like Manson...great, neither do I. So waht's
the problem? What worries me is that I'm sure this is some 13
year old kid who finally figured out how to use a computer so
that he could further extend his antisocial nature to the
world wide web. These are similar warning signs to the ones
everyone is pointing to in the whole Colorado fiasco that
happened less than a week before this guy started sending me
e-mail. Since then, my box has been flooded by e-mails from
he, and people who I assume are his little gang of cult
members. So, if there are any feds or school teachers looking
at this right now (yeah right), I'm predicting another school
shooting involving this backwards idiot and his rag tag band
of pet molesters.
-----Original
Message-----
From: Todd Cooper <tnrcooper@csi.com>
To: hill_m@cc.denison.edu <hill_m@cc.denison.edu>
Date: Monday, May 03, 1999 6:52 PM
Subject: your rants
hey dude...i liked your web page.
it's nice to find a kindred spirit out there. so many
people are unsympathetic when you complain about stupid
people and so a lot of the time i try to catch myself.
i don't wanna be a bastard. but for those of us who are
somewhat intelligent and perceptive and have not been totally
(although certainly partially) warped, it sure is a stretch
at times to keep one's mouth shut.
i totally agree about the dude who was
pissing outside his room. what really gets me about
that is that this guy is probably gonna have a nice little
life and get along just fine in the world while others who
have a conscience and a brain will struggle. oh
well...i shouldn't whine...c'est la vie...anyway...just
wanted to weigh in and say i enjoyed stumbling across your
page. and that was a pretty good trick with the pee in
the bottle though. you know what you should
have done though... you should have taken the bottle and put
it in a different looking fotee in the hope that perhaps our
dim-witted friend might have thought someone was generous
enough to give him some beer. then you might have
listened for his reaction to this scene (a la the police
officer in dumb and dumber). that would have been
classic.
as far as manson is concerned, i am not
really a fan of his. i think he's basically a
self-absorbed, very smart, over-rated geek. i haven't
really listened to his music but i have seen a couple of
interviews with him in rolling stone and he struck
me as very thoughtful. i think it's just ridiculous to
go and blame him for the massacre in littleton, or the whole
goth lifestyle. from my experience with goths, they are
some of the most peaceful people i have met. all they
basically want is to be able to be themselves. i don't
think that is asking too much. now of course there are
exceptions to every rule, but in general, most of the goths i
know are pretty reflective, thoughtful, and intelligent and i
think most are totally up in arms over the Littleton killings
as anyone else. for one, it gives them a bad name, and
secondly, it is a pointless killing. i mean why?
but i digress. my point was is that there is plenty of
blame to go around. i don't blame manson, but i do
think that if you're being realistic and you really care
about your audience, that you realize that some kids will do
stuff. i'm not saying you should totally make your
decisions based on whether or not what you do will make
people kill others. i mean that is ridiculous.
but you have to know that what you do will have an impression
on youngsters. sheesh. i don't know. if
enough public figures would just take a little
bit more personal responsibility and then combined with a bit
more parental involvement and some more media resonsibility
and some stricter gun laws, i think that this whole problem
would be a whole lot less pressing. but nothing really
changes. after all this hand-wringing, i don't think a
whole lot will change really. things will go back to
the way they have always been and until parents start to take
care of their kids and raise them right, make sure they get
their Wheaties in the morning and taking them out to play
ball and stuff, things aren't gonna change...anyway...take
care... todd cooper
---
Nice suggestion for the forty o' pee!
I'll have to use it if I ever come across that again
(although I think it was a once in a lifetime thing). As far
as everything else you said, I think you're right on target.
Manson is a phony... period, and I think it really is a
testament to how dumb people in authority are by cancelling a
bunch of his shows, etc., etc. It's funny, I haven't seen one
person point a finger at the parents of these kids or let
alone HITLER himself *gasp*! I mean... wasn't it he that
drove them to do it ultimately? It pisses me off to see
people trivializing the entire event and trying to
"solve" the case, as it were, by finding a definite
cause for the whole thing. It's funny because I think the
whole thing is kind of ironic. Obviously these kids got
pushed around a lot and I think all that bullying really came
back to bite the school in the ass. If I were a bully right
now, I would seriously be rethinking my take on all the
"nerds" in the school. The sooner we start treating
kids like people instead of harmless little children, the
sooner stuff like this won't happen. I think we have a
tendency to sort of write off the emotions of kids as less
intense than our own, highly experienced emotions; as if
experience dictates intensity. Kids need to be taken
seriously along with their problems... I think that's the
ultimate message here. The warning signs were there and they
certainly didn't lie in the cd's the kids chose to buy. I
dunno... I'm thinking the thirty cans of propane in their
closets and semi-automatic rifles were more of the tipoff.
Anyway, thanks for the e-mail... compared to some of the
drivel I've been getting recently, it's nice to see that
there are some intelligent people still reading and
responding.
-----Original
Message-----
From: Salvador Dali <lord_of_the_flies_ds@yahoo.com>
To: hill_m@cc.denison.edu <hill_m@cc.denison.edu>
Date: Saturday, May 15, 1999 2:36 PM
Subject: Your site
>You have the worst possible
site I have ever seen. It is obviosly a
>composition of stupid, idiotic, ideas thrown together by
an incompetent
>dickhead. Please try to restore faith in the human cycle,
and clense
>the gene pool by playing Russian Roulette witn a fully
loaded
>automatic. I am sure it would be a great help to
humanity.
---
How perceptive... I guess the fact that
I'm on a webring advertising that fact wasn't blatant enough
for this guy. Other than that, I think that having a crappy
webpage hardly merits putting bullets in my brain. I'd
suggest that he go visit some Hanson sites before he decides
who should kill themselves. Oh yeah... nice art by the way...
gotta love that Dali.
-----Original
Message-----
From: Wendy Dodge <angel@tcsn.net>
To: Matt Hill <hill_m@cc.denison.edu>
Date: Thursday, May 13, 1999 10:48 AM
Subject: Re: sweet stuff
>F*ck off and Die!
>
>
>~Many hours spent in wonders of where my life may lead...
>And always ever onward.. I know that one way or the other
I pray it
>shall lead to having a friend like you...
>
Angel~
---
I swear to god this is for real.
Cracked me up anyway. Apparently she prays for friends she
will absolutely hate. I'm guessing she's into pain of some
sort... oh well.
I aquired a BA in history and
philosophy and religion from Truman State
University in Kirksville, MO in 1996 and I'm currently
finishing up a
masters in MIS from the university of Missouri Saint Louis, I
have had
numerous articles published and am now considered an expert
on many
subjects from networking facilities within the Java
programing language
to Queen Elizabeth's religious settlement of 1559, in short I
have a
keen intellect and am no mental midget. after reading your
rants, my
advise to you is:
substitute the word "bacon strips" for "skid
marks"
thanks and have a nice day.
craig.
---
What a great e-mail! I seriously think
that's one of the best one's I've gotten. Craig, if you're
out there, thanks for the input. I'll think about changing it
to "bacon strips". Oh, and if you're reading, what
about changing it to "fecal emissions"? Just a
thought...
Wednesday, November 24, 1999 6:56 AM
---
Hi Matt, Just to let you know that I stumbled across
your w-page and 'angels'. Seems that you have much time for
thinking and writing. And why not. Encouraging folk to think
for themselves in a non bigotry way, can't be bad. I may not
have much of the spare (time) to read fully all your stuff,
but you've obviously done a bit of (!!!!) extra reading and a
hell of a lot of thinking. I'm all in favour of thinking as
long as it's constructive and 'intelligent' (your sentiments
also). As I mentioned
prev., I'm writing just to let you know, that across the Big
Pond your message has crossed.
Regards from the U.K. (although I don't see much Unitedness
about this land, nor am I keen on the Kingdom aspect).
Kris (chrish@menai.ac.uk)
---
Thanks for the e-mail man. It's cool to
think that people all over the world are reading stuff I've
written. If you're not careful, I'll get a huge head and
start trying to take over entire continents... well, maybe
not, but I could turn into a pompous asshole (some would
argue that there wouldn't be much "turning into"
involved). It's also nice to see that other people are pissed
off about where their respective countries are... keep on
thinking man. Take it easy.
Wednesday, November 17, 1999 1:21 PM
---
Hey man, Your
Page kicks ass!! I totally agree with almost everything
you had to say. Except the Marilyn Manson stuff, but
everyone is entitled to their opinion. And i even
thought what you wrote about him was cool. You seem to
be the Male version of me, and i really don't mean that in a
bad way. Oh yeah but you really need to do something
about the background color. Not complaining or anything
but i could barely read it. The black letters and blue
background was a little difficult to understand. But
anyway, hope you get this and if you aren't to busy i would
love to hear back from you.
natas_666_16@yahoo.com is my email by the
way. Although i m in no way satanic. Oh yeah and my name is Racheal.
---
What up Racheal?
Good to hear from you... glad you liked the page. Yeah, it
seems there are a lot of different opinions with regards to
Mr. Manson, to which I have just one thing to say... listen
to the new Nails cd. If my suspicions about his immanent
demise as a celebrity weren't set in stone before, after
listening to The Fragile they are. I just don't see how the
stuff he puts out can even compete with the likes of Reznor.
In any case, the feedback is good and I hope to hear from you
again sometime.
Thursday, November 11, 1999 7:33 PM
---
I hope you still take care of your
websites because this is pretty
cool. I can't say that I liked all of your views on
christianity, but
the stuff on televangilists and the Jesus movie hit
home. Have you ever
thought of sending some of your stuff to a newspaper or
something cool
like that. Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you are
cool and that
there is some free-thinking readers out there
lkkirk@evansville.net
---
Well, right now I'm working on the
whole "graduation from college" deal, but after
that I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I would like to get
into media related stuff, so if anyone out there has a jobby
job for matty, puuuuuhleeeze hire me! I work for very little
and can live on bread and water... I'm housebroken too.
Tuesday, November 09, 1999 9:43 PM
Re: Rant # 10 about the Christian
---
Now, I'm Christian myself, but I don't
find that offensive in the least. I
think it's not Christians in general, its Catholics. By the
way, of what
faith are you?
FALCON916@aol.com
---
I don't think faith of any kind would
adequately describe my beliefs on a higher power... perhaps a
lack of faith would fit me. And I'm not real sure I agree
with you on the whole "catholics" thing. The way I
see it, saying that is analagous to saying, "well, it
wasn't the Nazis, it was just the blond haired, blue eyed
ones."
Friday, October 01, 1999 3:07 AM}
hello
i dont know you and you dont know me, but i somehow stumbled
across your
website and after reading it for a while(a good hour), and i
have come to
the conclusion that i think you are absolutely brilliant!
i can completely relate to your rants and ideas.
have a nice day :)
Ileel@hotmail.com
---
If only everyone else could see what
you see... the world would be a better place I tell you!
Matty for President! I can build a bridge to the future... or
something.
Thursday, September 30, 1999 9:37 PM
I just had to let you know how much I
enjoyed your "rants". I can't say that
I read all of them ( you do tend to go on {:o) ) -- but I did
enjoy the ones
I read . . . I even laughed out loud -- that's saying
something! If it's
okay with you, I intend to print some of these and share them
with a group of
friends over beers -- they'll appreciate them also.
Take care.
KELLOU812@aol.com
---
You can print them out and share them
with your friends on one condition... save a spot for me at
the bar and order me a beer... :) I'll show up eventually, I
promise. Oh, and don't worry, I'm quite long winded and full
of myself, hence the tedious effect some of my rants may have
on people. You probably shouldn't operate heavy machinery for
several hours after looking at this page.
Wednesday, September 29, 1999 7:59 PM
I am suprised you read my message. I
guess you've been wondering what I've
been talking about. I will explain. You're first reaction was
"I'ts Sh*t"
you heard it, you had rudementry understanding. Stimulus
Response. You are
still a fu**ing retard. You heard what you heard, and saw
what you saw. You
didn't know. You thought Manson was a joke. You're always
going to think
he's a joke. No matter what you say. You are not a toliet.
You see,
Antichrist Superstar is beyond you're comprahension. The boy
is innocence,
optimism. The Worm is jaded, hated misanthropy. When a boy is
hated, he
defflects it. A worm takes all the hate and puts it in a box.
Feeds it, and
it grows into more hate. I am a singer. The world gave me
it's worst. It
sh*t on me from the beggining. You didn't get hated. Your
still a boy. You
took Manson literaly. You looked at it with curiosity. You
thought you knew.
Ha Ha Ha. Joke is on you. I did know what they were saying.
You see, for
one, the "Beutiful People", which you so eagerly
quoted, is about pieces of
sh*t like you. You are drawn to this because it's what people
hate. This is
what Beutiful People is about. Hey if you are drawn to this
element, my
band, the Cockroaches, is trying to get a record contract. If
we succeed,
some piece of sh*t like you will be drawn to it for the shock
value. Now I'm
through with you. Please don't e-mail me again.
zodiak_needlefreak_ozium@hotmail.com
---
It seems that my dear old friend,
Lucifer Quasar, has gotten himself a new e-mail address but
negated to pick up a dictionary since he last wrote me. He
seems to have delusions of grandeur the likes of which I've
never seen, but at least he quit spurting "toxic mustard
semen" for the time being. I'm failing to see why my
dislike of Manson is pissing this guy off so much... all I
said was that he's a self-absorbed, washed-up, phony,
regardless of what his lyrics say or don't say. And let me
make something clear... the music I listen to, and contrarily
don't listen to, is a reflection of my own personal tastes.
I'd never buy a cd simply because some guy wears fake tits or
cuts himself with shards of glass on stage... music should be
about the lyrics and the music, nothing more. Everything else
is just icing on the cake. Finally, don't flatter yourself
with your petty little band... I guarantee you that you could
become the most famous freak of nature ever to walk the
planet and you could stand on stage, sing your songs and
shove potatos up your ass and I still wouldn't buy it...
unless I liked it.
Monday, September 13, 1999 9:09 AM
---
Hello,
I've stumbled across your RANTS page (beats me how).
Cool, finally found something worth reading on this
flavorless
goup they call Internet. cool site, cool thoughts.
BTW I'm a student from Croatia (right of us is Serbia if you
look it up).
Pitty that Clinton didn't get exposed in '93, could have
saved a lot of
Croatian lives that were lost in a REAL war....I don't want
to insult the
Kosovars but that was just a skirmish.
When we fought nobody cared, cool isn't it.
And for that you being American....forget it...
I don't hate all Serbians for waging the war...it's stupid.
Finally they get a little taste of hot steel and all of the
sudden it's
Serb Armageddon. Every Serb hating every American, age 0-99
fu**'em....they had problems since forever....you should hear
some things
they feed their nation, man, it's sick!
that's it for now, C U....
write me back if you have the time
Yours sincerely,
Kristijan
P.S.
Heard you are a NIN fan....
me too :)
ADIOS.....
athiest69@usa.net
---
Wow... I'm really glad to get this
e-mail. Most of the mails I get are about some insensitive
thing I said about sorority girls or religion, but I'm glad
to finally get some perspective on the whole Kosovo thing. As
of now, the whole ordeal seems to have faded from the
attention of the American media and as a result, also from
the minds of American people themselves. I'm afraid that
Clinton's not going to leave behind a very great legacy in
this country, but what else is new? Thanks for reading
Kristijan... heard the new NIN yet?!?! It's pretty awesome :)
Friday, September 10, 1999 5:41 PM}
Hey, I just got finished reading your
rants, and I want to say power to you!
About time someone told it like it is... Also, I read the
Titanic parody
script you put on the site, and I thought you might like to
read this. If you
don't know who Dave Barry is, I'd advise you to buy one of
his books ASAP.
Enough talk, let's get to the important stuff.
A Titanic Splash (Again)
By DAVE BARRY
Cartoon by Jeff MacNelly
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
I finally finished the script for the sequel to the movie
Titanic. I am
calling it -- and let the legal record show that I thought of
this first --
Titanic II: The Sequel.
I am darned proud of this script. I have been working on it,
without sleeping
or eating, except for two grilled-cheese sandwiches, for the
better part of
the last 35 minutes. I realize that sounds like a lot of
work, but bear in
mind that writer/director James Cameron spent nearly twice
that long on the
script for the original movie, which was entitled Titanic I,
the Original
Movie.
As you know, Titanic I garnered a record 56 Academy Awards,
including Best
Major Motion Picture Lasting Longer Than Both O.J. Trials
Combined; Most
Total Water; Most Realistic Scene Of Bodies Falling Off The
End Of A Sinking
Ship And Landing On Big Ship Parts With A Dull Clonking
Sound; and Most
Academy Awards Garnered. The movie has made a huge star out
of Leonardo
DiCaprio, who has shown the world that he is not just a
pretty face; he is a
pretty face who, if he had been in my high school, would have
spent a lot of
time being held upside-down over the toilet by larger boys.
The phenomenal success of Titanic I has also served as an
elegant rebuttal to
the critics of writer/director Cameron, although this has not
prevented him
from going around Hollywood physically hitting these critics
on the head with
his Oscar statuette. Cameron was especially angry at Los
Angeles Times film
critic Kenneth Turan, who said Cameron's writing was trite
and devoid of
subtlety; this prompted Cameron to take out a full-page
newspaper ad saying,
quote, ``Bite me.''
I certainly don't want to take sides in this issue, other
than to say that
James Cameron is easily the most talented human being in
world history
including Michelangelo and Shakespeare and all four Beatles
combined. I say
this out of a sincere desire to have Mr. Cameron pay a hefty
sum for my
script for Titanic II: The Sequel. Here it is:
(The movie opens with the Titanic II, getting ready to sail.
As the ship's
horn blasts a mighty departure toot, up runs spunky young
Jack Dawson, played
by Leonardo DiCaprio. There is seaweed on him.)
JACK: Whew! I just made it!
ROSE: Jack! I thought you had drowned! To death!
JACK: No! Fortunately, the bitter North Atlantic cold was
unable to penetrate
my protective layer of hair gel! Who are you?
ROSE: I'm Rose! Remember? You gave your life for me in
Titanic I.
JACK: But Rose was played by Kate Winslet!
ROSE: She didn't want to be in another movie with you,
because your
cheekbones are so much higher! So the part went to me, Demi
Moore!
JACK: Whatever.
(The scene shifts to the ship's bridge.)
CAPTAIN: Ahoy First Mate! Commence starboard computer
animation! Full speed
ahead!
FIRST MATE: Sir! We're getting reports of gigantic icebergs
directly ahead!
Shouldn't we go slow?
CAPTAIN: Don't be silly! What are the chances that we're
going to hit another
. . .
(There is a loud crunching sound. Big pieces of ice come
through the window,
along with several penguins.)
CAPTAIN: Dang!
FIRST MATE: Sir! The computerized sinking animation has
commenced!
(The scene shifts to the Poop Deck, where the water is rising
fast. Jack and
Rose are helping women and children into a lifeboat, when an
evil villain
appears with a gun.)
VILLAIN: Out of the way! I'm taking this lifeboat all for
myself!
JACK: It's Kenneth Turan, film critic for The Los Angeles
Times!
TURAN: That's right, and I shall stop at nothing to get off
this ship,
because the dialogue is terrible!
JACK: Is not!
TURAN: Is too!
(They commence fighting.)
THE LATE BURGESS MEREDITH: You can do it, Rock! Watch out for
the jab!
JACK: Hey! You're in the wrong sequel!
MEREDITH: Sorry!
(This distraction enables Turan, by cheating, to gain the
upper hand.)
TURAN: I have gained the upper hand! Whatever that expression
means! And now,
pretty boy, I'm going to . . . OHMIGOD! NOOO!
(Turan is torn into raisin-sized pieces by an irate horde of
young female
Leonardo DiCaprio fans.)
JACK: Whew! That was close! Uh-oh! The ship is almost done
sinking!
ROSE: This is it! I hope I don't end up as an old bag in this
movie!
(As the two lovers start to slip beneath the icy cold
computerized waves,
they embrace. There is a cracking sound.)
JACK: You broke my ribs!
ROSE: Sorry! I have tremendous upper-body strength since
starring in G.I.
Jane!
JACK: Don't worry! As long as my cheekbones are OK!
(The water slowly closes over them. In the distance, we hear
two crew members
on a lifeboat, looking for survivors.)
FIRST CREW MEMBER: What's that sound coming from over there?
SECOND CREW MEMBER: It sounds like . . . Oh my God! It's
Celine Dion!
FIRST CREW MEMBER: Let's get out of here!
(THE END)
Well, that's Dave Barry's script. I'll
mention that I wrote my own Titanic
sequel, by the same title, and incorporating some of the same
plot elements,
but by no means the same. If you're interested in reading it,
just tell me
and I'll send it to you.
Roland1029@aol.com
---
Phat... at least there are a lot of
people out there who managed not to be fooled by all the hype
surrounding that hunk of crap some had the audacity to call a
"motion picture"... there was motion in that
picture alright, and I think it was bowel oriented. Anyway,
enough of the railing on Titanic, I'd love to see your
script... is there a part for Jesus in it? hmm... we might
just have to get some funding going for this.
END :) E-mail me.
