Disclaimer: If I have to then I guess I will. First Buffy and Angel forever. I love them together. It's one of the MANY MANY things that attracts to me to the show. So most of my fanfic would be revolved around them. I guess you all know that I don't own Buffy and Angel. Although I do wish I owned Angel. Everything is all from the Almighty Genius One, Joss Whedon.
Author's Notes: I'm a good writer. So I've been told. So I thought why not make a fanfic? And while I wasn't sure if I wanted the world to see my writings and my point of views on Buffy, I figured that even if it sucks, at least I tried right? Anyway this is my first one that I've actually put out for people to see. So be gentle with me. I'm no Rebecca Carefoot. By the way if she reads this I would like to say all of your fanfics rock!! I would like to think Rebecca for inspiring me to write this. I could never have done this with out my friend Val who told me it was time to show the world what I can do. Let me know what you think. And please be gentle!!
He clutched the railing and fell to the ground with pain. Something wasn't right. At first for only about a minute he didn't know where he was. He knew that he was supposed to be with her. Why wasn't she with him? Where was the bed? Then the pain started again. Suddenly his head began to fill with pictures of the people that he tortured and the things he did in the past months. This wasn't right. Then the sudden guilt passed into his mind and through his body. And that's when the physical pain stopped and the emotional pain kicked in. My love. His sweet innocent love. How could he ever make this up to her? He knew that she probably had too much hate for him to even care whether he was sorry or not.
The past few months he helplessly watched as his other persona ripped her heart into little pieces. He watched her pain. Her hatred. He wanted to stop him but couldn't, he tried but the demon was too strong. Was she thinking of him now? No, of course not. She's thinking on ways to kill him....to kill me. For the first time he looked around at where he was. His eyes went wide open as he looked upon a sight that he been longing to see himself since the night he went bad. It was her.
She stood there for a long while deciding what to say or do. But those moments seemed like forever to both of them. She looked at him with tears in her eyes. Tears of relief. Joy. Pain. Confusion. She didn't know where to take this. Her heart was telling her to go over there and hug him. She knew that it was her love. But her mind still couldn't get over what he had done. Could she just forgive him like that? Then her conscience laid a guilt trip on her as it had been doing lately. You know, you should be begging for forgiveness. I mean after all you were the one who took his soul away. The warning was weak, but it was enough to realize that you shouldn't. Angel didn't do those terrible things. It was his other side. Go over there and hug him. Maybe the voice was right. But maybe it was both of their faults for not being careful.
She walked over to him. He flinched. He didn't like being so close to her anymore. Because when he was, he could lose his self inside of her. He didn't want that because when he lost his self inside her, he lost himself completely and now wasn't the time or place to be doing that. She touched his face. He wanted to tell her not to do that because when she did that he melted. And he couldn't do that. Time. Yeah that was it. Time. He needed some time to think about what he was going to do. Should he leave? Or should he stay and make things work out between him and her? He knew what he wanted to do, but he also knew what should be done.
The touch. She felt it. His pain, his anguish. She knew what he was thinking. She could almost hear his thoughts in her head. She wanted to make it better. But she still wasn't sure what she wanted. Then she broke the silence. "You." That one word had said every thing she was feeling and he knew it. It said that she wanted him back. She needed him. She loved him. But could she trust him? It said don't leave, not now. That she understood what happened. That she wanted to make it work. But that she needed some time as well.
And for the first time he touched her lightly. She closed her eyes and feelings of wanting and desire rushed through her body. How long had it been since she was touched like that, by him like that? She knew that this day would come. She just wished it was a lot sooner. And ever so gently he replied, "Yeah", as he looked into her eyes and she in his, "Me." And with those two short words she had known what he really was saying. That they needed sometime apart. That he could never forgive himself. He blamed every thing on himself. He wants to work it out but maybe it would be better if he just left and forgot about every thing they had together. And that he was so sorry for the pain he caused her.
They sat on the ground for what seemed like an eternity and just stared at each other, contemplating on where to go from there. They didn't say anything to each other. They didn't have to. They never really needed words to express how they felt. Because they automatically just knew what the other wanted and was thinking. They read each other's thoughts.
It was beginning to become too overwhelming. She wanted to kiss him but she didn't. He wanted to kiss her but he didn't so he looked away. She took his face and turned it to face her. She was almost ready to make her decision. They both knew it was up to her in the end. Because it was no secret that he would do whatever she wanted. Whatever made her happy. Her life more easier. Do I really want this? Can we really handle this? The thought went through her head and passed through his. It was in his head. Was he hearing her thoughts? Maybe they were soulmates. No matter how many times they went through hell they came back together stronger than ever. And more in love with each other. Whatever she decides I'll go along with it. Even if it means leaving my place even if it means my heartbreak. I want to handle it but if she can't I'll learn to deal with it.
Buffy heard his thought. This was weird. But she brushed it aside. This wasn't the time or place or moment. And after thinking for another moment she hugged him and got up. He stayed there. And then she finally pulled him up. "You won't go. And we can handle it. Besides this is us." Angel wanted to smile but he couldn't. "Are you sure you're ready to work at this? What about Giles, Xander, Cordelia,....and Willow? What about what I did to Jenny?" She knew all of this was bound to come up later. But she didn't care about that right now. She just needed to be with him. To get through this. With him.
"I came here knowing what was going to happen. And I planned out what I was going to say. I didn't know whether or not to forgive you. But when the moment comes it just seems so wrong to cheapen it by actually memorizing it like a speech. It should just flow. I know that it wasn't you. I know you could never hurt me." Buffy stopped as she saw Angel wince again. He couldn't believe this. She was so amazing. How could she just do that. It made his heart hurt even more to know that he took her innocence away. That he couldn't have just walked away when he had the chance.
"I-I should have just said no. This wouldn't have happened. I should have realized what would happen but I didn't because I was to evoked with the...love. I should have left you alone that night in the Bronze. We should have just forgot about it. We sho-" Buffy put her finger over his mouth and interrupted him. "Angel, I know you're sorry. And they do too. And Xander...well he never liked you anyway. But this isn't their relationship. Do you think that I regret anything we did that night?" She traced the out line of his face with her hand. He started to melt. "It was incredible. When I was in L.A. and was a Cordy, I secretly wanted to fall in love. You know, with the guy of my dreams and I would dream that he would love me despite my flaws. Angel, that night was something so magical and wonderful that even my dreams couldn't have dreamed it better. We can make this work I know we can but you can't leave me again. I need you....I..I love you."
Angel couldn't understand it. He loved her. But he was afraid that if he said it again that he would lose control and stay. "I love you too. You were more than good enough. I'm sorry I wasn't there to stay to let you know. I would have loved to wake up with you in my arms....but I can't help but think that if I would have been more in control it wouldn't have happened. We would have been okay. You wouldn't be hurt. And I want to leave and I want to walk away, but I can't. I have to be selfish. I want to be with you. Because when I'm not, it hurts. Even when it was only a minute. I want to Buffy." For the first time in months, she was happy and relieved. "Then we will. Let's not talk anymore. We were doing fine with out words."
She reached out for his hand and he took it. And they walked to all of their old places. Not saying anything. Words were something that wasn't needed. It was going to be tough. There was trust to regain. And a relationship to rebuild. But they could do it. Buffy knew they could. And Angel was beginning to believe that it could happen. They got to her house and stopped. She pointed to the house. And he nodded. He didn't want this to end. For one minute it was like everything was the way it was before he lost his soul. He turned and walked away. Buffy opened the door then turned around and looked at him as he rounded the corner. Yeah. I'm ready.