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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill."Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church
and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy.
They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back,"Pair of socks!"

Two men are driving on a highway. They switch on the
radio and hear a warning: "Please be aware that a car
is driving on Highway 75 against the traffic."
The man in the passenger seat turns to the driver and says:
"One? There are hundreds of them!"

Q. Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem today?
A. I don't know and I don't care.

A less than bright man inquired of his friend about an item
he was carrying. "It's a Thermos," said the friend.
"What does it do?" said the man. "Well," said the friend,
"it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The next day
the friend noticed that the man had purchased a Thermos.
"What do you have in it," said the friend. The man proudly
responded, "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -- George Gobel

An Amish boy and his father were visitng a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this ?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching, wide-eyed, an old grey haired lady shuffled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady shuffled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above them all light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful ,well developed young blond lady stepped out. The father said to his son, "Hurry, go get your mother!"

Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations
(Ways to handle those tricky situations!)
How would you interpet this statement concerning an extremely lazy person ? "In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA. Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers, having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways. He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations. Or LIAR, for short. LIAR may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate to believe that it is high praise. Thornton explained last week. Some examples from LIAR:

• To describe a person who is totally inept: "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
• To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
• To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
• To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
• To describe a person with lackluster credentials: "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
  Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of recommendation. In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative. When the writer uses LIAR, however, whether perceived correctly or not by the candidate, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof, Thornton said.

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank."Yoohoo" she shouts,"how can I get to the other side?"The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shoutsback, "You are on the other side."

• How do you make Windows go faster? Throw it harder!
• IRS: Income Reduction Service
• Upgrade definition: Take the OLD bugs out, Put new ones in!
• Around here, we do PRECISION guess work!
• I'd give you a piece of my mind, but it's my last one!
• Some things must be believed to be seen ...
• Childish Games: Those at which your spouse beats you.
• USE YOUR BRAIN It's the little things in life that count.
• If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side.
• News Flash!! Fotomat just burned down, no film at 11.
• Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!
• Everything should be as simple as possible, but no simpler.
• He who put head in punch bowl get punch in nose ...
• Man with closed mouth gathers no foot!

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school,
were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy.Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Courage...
A woman and her husband interupted their vacation to go to a dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said,"Show him your tooth, dear."

Giving...
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch animportant
deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt
next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other
man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and joyfully left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed,
"And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention...."