Quotes From Homer

• "As far as everyone knows we're a nice, normal family."
• "It says it's for dogs, but Maggie can't read."
• "Yeah. Wait a minute. It's the guy from TV. My kid's hero...Cruddy...Crummy...Krusty the Clown!"
• "Uh, so. Let's have a conversation. Uh, I think we'll find we have very little in common"
• "Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parent's love."
• "I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with a muumuu."
• "Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them."
• "Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning."
• "You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and, God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
• "You're everywhere. You're omnivorous." - Homer, to God
• "I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke cigars?" - Homer, on Heaven
• "You know something, folks, as ridiculous as this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's G-string."
• "See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and rasberry-filled. Now, how's that for freedom of choice."
• "The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring with my wife's sisters - or as I call them, 'the gruesome twosome.'"
• "I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?"
• "Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time."
• "Listen, you big, stupid space-creature. Nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!"
• "I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing!"
• "You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son liek each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!"
• "Son, this is the only tome I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose."
• "As I got up in front of them. I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle."
• "D'oh! Who needs English? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's smoke." - Homer, Talking Barney into Cutting Class
• "They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy."
• "I want to share something with you - the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
• "Always remember that you're representing our country. I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room."
• "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
• "Marge you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns. And magic frogs with funny little hats..."
• "Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!"
• "Holy moly! The bastard's rich!"
• "Love isn't hopeless. Look, maybe I'm no expert on the sudject, but there was one time I got it right."
• "First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk - probably - now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!"
• "If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!"
• "Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind. I haven't felt this way since 'Funky Town.'"
• "I thought there was chocolate inside...Well, why was it wrapped in foil?" - Homer, recieveing the key to the city
• "I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk - end of story."
• "Well, you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right button."
• "I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard. And - and I don't want any zombie turkeys. I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises - you got it?"
• "Foul temtress. I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy too!"
• "Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life."
• "Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right - no, the duty - to make a complete ass of myself."
• "Losers! Losers! Kiss my big Springfield behind, Shelbyville!"
• "The doll's trying to kill me, and the toaster's been laughing at me."
• "Ah, sweet pity: where would my love life have been without it?"
• "Oh honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world."
• "I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress 'em up, and make 'em reenact the Civil War! Heh, heh, heh!"
• "Weasling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel."
• "We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those 'Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
• "Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?"
• "Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
• "Asleep at the switch! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!"
• "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
• "Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?"
• "And anyone can be tooted?" - Homer, on tutoring
• "There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service. But those were all dead ends. I think this chair is the answer."
• "If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Ned Flanders was dead."
• "See you in hell, candy boys!!"
• "All right. His story checks out." - Homer, checking in the encyclopedia under "Bush, George"
• "I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV! This one's for real!"
• "Hmmm, look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotize me, but not in the good Las Vegas way."
• "Marge! I'm two-thirty-nine, and I'm feeling fine!"
• "I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too...I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that."
• "Well if it isn't the leader of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons!"
• "Yeah. Maybe I do have the right...What's that stuff?"
• "And, Lord, we're especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is, except for solar, which is just a pipe dream."
• "Marge, you being the cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."
• "He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it."
• "Wh...what's going on? Wh...wha...why am I on a Japanese box?"
• "Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire." This is a man in drag!"
• "Must destroy mankind!" (His watch alarm goes off) "Ooh, lunchtime."
• "Okay, Marge, as long as we're traumatizing the kids, I have a scandalous story of my own."
• "Pfft. Now you tell me." - Homer, finding out that working at a nuclear power plant can make you sterile
• "I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy."
• "Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey bottle. 'Member that?"
• "Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her...during the commercial."
• "Hee, hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!"
• "I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the lightbulb."
• "It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this."
• "Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks."
• "Flanders! My socks feel dirty! Gimme some water to wash 'em."
• "Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex."
• "I think SMithers picked me because of my motivational skills."
• "You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us."
• "When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!"
• "Oh, 'no attitude,' eh? Not 'in your face,' huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!"
• "Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good things in life so tasty?"
• "And thank you most of all for nuclear power, which is yet to cause a single proven fatality, at least in this country."
• "Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college."
• "Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie 'Spaceballs.' But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie 'Police Academy.'"
• "That's fine for you, Marge. But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove!"
• "Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
• "Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic."
• "I may just quit my job at the plant to become a full-time stock market guy."
• "Oh my God, someone's trying to kill me! Oh wait, it's for Bart."
• "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That's the American way."
• "Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is 'How to Increase Your Word Power.' That thing is really, really, really...good."
• "One day you may acheive something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone."
• "Hey, if you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!"
• "Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
• "Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie."
• "Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button."
• "You mean, I'm on my own? I've never been on my own. Oh no! On own! On own! I need help. Oh, God help me! Help me, God!"
• "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"
• "Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn."
• "Even the Chinese are against me."
• "No, I do not know what Schadenfreude us. Please tell me, because I'm dying to know."
• "I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats."
• "It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
• "I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?"
• "The weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities."
• "Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."
• "Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire.' 'Beer kills brain cells.' Now, lets go back to that...building...thingee...where our beds and TV...is."
• "De-fault! The two sweetest words in the English language."
• "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
• "I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!"
• "It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii."
• "Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?"
• "If the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
• "All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."
• "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
• "All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him."
• "Marge, look at me! We've been seperated for a day, and I'm as dirty as a Frenchman. In another few hours, I'll be dead. I can't afford to lose your trust again."
• "I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up."
• "Oooh...maca - ma - damia nuts."
• "I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in."
• "Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
• "You see, boy? The real money's in bootlegging! Not in your childish vandalism."
• "Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"
• "It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will taunted and booed until my throat is sore."
• "I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky, too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!"
• "Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business."
• "Who spread garbage all over Flanders's yard before I got a chance to?"
• "He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side."
• "Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?"
• "Woo hoo! Good news everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!"
• "Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom."
• "That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone."
• "Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard. Actually, I'm bringing the plant down from the inside."
• "To alchol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
• "Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten."
• "The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes...Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
• "I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter how dumb my suggestions are."
• "Well let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."
• "Ohh, my son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world has gone gay!"
• "Unlike most of you, I am not a nut."
• "So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free."
• "And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it."