This page may contain humor that some may find offensive...
1.... A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me." and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
2.... man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second though, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me." The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
3.... The Pope goes to visit the Famous Seven Dwarfs... He is finishing his treatise on comparative religions, and Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No, Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not." "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in anywhere in Italy?" Dopey asked. "No, Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey askes pleadingly, " are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No, Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." Then, softly...in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting... "Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin..."
4.... Q= How did the scientist solve the problem of constipation? A= He worked it out with a pencil.
5.... A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far?" "So far....ten gallons."
6.... Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You`ll have to excuse me. I can`t return your salute. My hands are full.""Yes sir. I see the pigs Sir!" says the Marine. "Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren`t just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks.""Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," said Clinton. "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!" replied the Marine.
7.... It was snowing outside the Whitehouse and security ran in and told the President that someone had written "Bill Clinton is a toad face" in the snow. The President, mad as a hatter, went out to see the vandalism. As they looked at the words someone had laid in the snow, Bill said "Who could have done this? I want a complete investigation." So security got right on it and by morning had some news for the Prez. "Mr. President we have some good news and some bad news." "Well lets hear it," said Clinton. "Well sir, the good news is... it was not done by terrorists - but it is written in urine." "Well, if that is the good news what is the bad?" said Bill. "Well," said security, "we ran a test, and the urine is Dole's." With disbelief Bill said, "Is that the bad news?" "No sir," said the guard, "the bad news is, it's in Hillary's handwriting."
8.... Jeffrey Dahmer's mother was visiting him for dinner. She said to him, being the nice mother she is, "Jeffrey, I don't like your friends." Jeffrey didn't take offense to this. He only replied, "Well, try some salad then."
9.... What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windsheild?... His ass!
10.... A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"
11....
Would someone like to tell me how Kurt
Cobain Collects his thoughts?
With a mop!
Would someone like to tell me what color
are Kurt Cobains eyes?
Blue, One blew this way one blue that way!
Would some one like to tell me what
Nirvana's record sales
have in common with Kurt's brain?
They both went through the roof!
12.... An American, German and a Jew are flying in an airplane. The airplane catches fire, and it becomes apparent that it will crash. So, they decide to jump out of airplane, and pray on the way down, and - what happens - happens. The German goes first. He jumps out and prays on the way down. Some 10 m above the ground, a angel catches him, and he is saved. The american goes next. He jumps and prays on the way down. Again, a angel catches him, and he is saved. The Jew starts praying in the airplane, jumps out, and prays all the way down. He hits the ground and dies. Now, jew is in heaven, and god wants to know how come the angels helped the German and the American, but not the jew. So, god gathers angels and asks:" Which one among you was in charge for this jew here ?" One angel raises his hand and goes:" Uhm... I was" God looks at him, nods his finger and goes:" Adolf, Adolf, you've been fucking with jews again huh?"
13.... A thief breaks into one house. He goes through the drawers looking for valuables. As he 's digging through the stuff in the drawers, he hears a voice behind his back, "Jesus is watching you." He turns around - no one's in the room. He keeps on going through the stuff, and again behind his back he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He turns around again, but no one's there. He keeps on with his "work", and then it goes again, " Jesus is watching you." This time he pulls out a flash light and starts looking around the room. In one corner he sees a bird cage with a parrot inside. "did you say that?" asks the thief. "Yes I did" says the parrot. "So, what is your name?" inquires the thief. "Oliver" answers the parrot. Thief starts laughing " Ha, Ha , Oliver ,what a funny name for a parrot" "Oh, yeah ?" goes the parrot " And do you think "Jesus" is funny name for a doberman ?"
14.... A Horrible earthquake hits New York Many people die and they stand in front of the pearl gates of heaven waiting for st. Peter to let them in. Peter goes to the god and says:"Hey boss, we have a whole lot of New Yorkers on the gates. What do we do with them?" "Easy" goes god."Just as with all the others, look them up in the book,and if they were good, let them in." Peter goes, he is gone for few minutes and then comes back running. "Hey boss, you won't belive it, they are gone." "Who ? New Yorkers ?" asks god. "No, the pearl gates"
15.... A Engineer dies and is waiting on the pearl gates as st. Peter is looking him up in the book. He is not in the book so Peter doesn't let him in heaven. So, engineer goes to hell. In hell, he meets Satan, gets an apartment, and settles in. Soon, he builds an air conditioner. Than a jacuzzy, fridge, etc... Then one day, Satan is walking around and notices a cool breeze coming from the engineer's appartment. He knocks, engineer opens,invites him in, and so they sit, drink coffee and chat. "Where did you get all this ?" asks Satan. The engineer explains that he was engineer in the life, so he just made all that from the things he found here and there. "Can you make some of that stuff for me" asks Satan? "Sure." goes the engineer. Soon, quite a few guys in hell had air conditioning, jacuzzy, and so on. On haven, st. Peter says all about it to god. He looks at all the air conditioners in the hell and just can't belive it. "What the hell... This can't go like this" So, he phones Satan. "Hello ? Satan ? Yes, god here. Look you know that engineer ? Well, we changed our mind, we want him back. "Well, you can't have him" goes Satan "you didn't want him there before, and now he likes it here. He stays here." Of course, god gets pissed off: "Well, this ain't my last word, I 'll take you to the court for this." goes god. Satan starts laughing his hooves off. "What's so funny ?" asks god. "Well," goes Satan "where are you going to get the lawyers from ?"
16.... A priest works in the confession booth. He needs to go to the bathroom really bad, so he asks the cleaning guy to stand in for him. "It's easy," explains the priest. "I have here a list of sins and the penitence for each of them. So just follow the list." So, the priest goes, guy sits in and waits. Some woman comes in, and does the usual stuff:"Bless me father for I have sinned. My last confession was two months ago. Since then I commited adultery." Guy looks up adultery - 10 Hail Maries. So, he goes:"As a penitence, say 10 Hail Maries" Next, some teenager walks in, and confesses to some shoplifting. Guy looks in the list and he gives the kid 10 Our Fathers for stealing. Next person walks into the booth and goes: "Bless me father for I have sinned. My last confession was 3 months ago, and since then I had anal sex" Guy looks at the list - there's no anal sex on the list. He peeks out of the booth and calls the altar boy. "Psst. Hey kid. What does the father usually give for anal sex ?" Kid looks at him and goes: " Couple of cookies and the glass of milk".
17.... Somewhere in the Palestine, jesus is hanging on the cross. Old blind man walks by. As the man walks by, jesus asks him " What are you doing here old man ?". Blind man replies: " I am searching for my son all over the world." "And what does your son look like ?" asks jesus. "Well, " says old man "he's got nail in his right arm." Then jesus looks at his right arm and sees nail, of course. "And he has nail in his left arm" Again, jesus looks at his left arm, - there's nail over there too. "And in his feet, he also has nails" finishes old man. Hardly believing that this is happening, jesus looks at his legs, sees nails and goes " DADDY" Old man, all happy, spreads his arms and goes: " PINOCCHIO, MY SON !!!"
18.... A brand new priest is supposed to hold his first mass, and feels very unsecure about his sermon. So, he consults bishop, to get some useful advice. Bishop recommends some Martini before the mass, and replacing water from the glass he drinks from during the mass with Martini. This should have relaxing effect, and "stage fright " should be gone. So, the new priest does everything as suggested, and, really , after some martini, he is doing the sermon without problems. After the mass, priest asks the bishop for the opinion about his performance. " You see, martini really killed the stage fright, but it also seems to have clouded your good judgement of terminology." says bishop. First, we do not refer to jesus christ and the apostles as "J.C. and the guys". Secondly, David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him, And last , but certainly not the least, we do no refer to mother of jesus as "Mary with the cherry"
19.... Three guys die and go to haven. They are waiting on the pearl gates for the st. peter to let them in. So, st.peter looks them up in the books, and finds that the first one was good guy, who never cheated on his wife. "As a reward for your fidelity to your wife, you will get brand new Mercedes to use in haven" says peter and gives the first guy the keys to the brand new Mercedes. Second guy was good, but was cheating on his wife, not once but three times, so he gets some Ford. Third guy, as it came out, was also good, but he cheated on his wife some 20 times, so he gets some old second - hand Yugo. So, couple of days later, these guys meet accidentally somewhere in haven, and to the surprise of the two of them, they see the guy with a Mercedes crying his head off. "What's wrong ?" asks the guy with the Yugo "You see what crapy car I got, but you don't see me crying, is there something wrong with the Mercedes ?" " No, " replies the guy " but I saw my wife in here to, and she is driving roller skates"
20.... Two best buddies - baseball enthusiasts promised each other that, whoever of them dies first, will come to the second guy, and tell him what it's like wherever he is . So, after some time one of the guys dies. One week after his death, he comes to see his buddy as promised. "So, what is it like in heaven ?" asks the live guy. "Well, I have lots of good news to tell you and just one bad, so I'll start with the good news first."- says the dead one- "First, they really like baseball up there, they have the best playgrounds, only the best of equipment, and lots of really good players, and first class games on the regular basis." "So what's the bad news then ?" wonders the live guy. "You are pitching on Tuesday"
