JOB REQUIREMENTS
FOR MOMS
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed
for challenging permanent work
in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills,
be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required,
including trips to primitive camping sites
on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must provide on-the-site training
in basic life skills, such as nose blowing.
Must have strong skills in negotiating,
conflict resolution and crisis management.
Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able to think out of the box
but not lose track of the box,
because you most likely will need it
for a school project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements
and be proficient in managing budgets
and resources fairly,
unless you want to hear,
"He got more than me!"
for the rest of your life.
Also, must be able to drive
motor vehicles safely
under loud and adverse conditions
while simultaneously practicing
above mentioned skills in conflict resolution.
Must be able to choose your battles
and stick to your guns.
Must be able to withstand criticism,
such as "You don't know anything."
Must be willing to be hated
at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5 to go skating.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina
of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard
are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan
and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to
be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of
a half million cheap, plastic toys
and battery operated devices.
Also, must have a highly energetic
entrepreneurial spirit,
because fund-raiser will
be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base,
so as to answer questions on the fly
such as, "What makes the wind move?"
or "Why can't they just go in
and shoot Sadam Hussein?"
Must always hope for the best
but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final,
complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include
floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none.
Your job is to remain
in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge
can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered
on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering
frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
because of the assumption that
college will help them become
financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing
about this reverse-salary scheme is
that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance,
no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered,
job supplies, limitless opportunities
for personal growth and free hugs for life
are included if you play your cards right.
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