Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am Jane's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! Jane's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Jane's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

I'm gone.

You have reached 555-5555. Why?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

Jane has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have her call you back as soon as she gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Jane can't come to the phone right now. She's either saving the universe from some dreaded, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and she will return your call.

Please leave your message, name, and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

[Star Trek theme in background] Room 123, the final frontier. These are the messages of Jane's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.