Written September 6, 1999
Title: Heaven’s Angel
Disclaimer: ‘Angel’ belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB network. I’m writing this story out of the goodness of my heart, so, please don’t sue me.
Rating: PG-13. I tried to give Angel a good conscience without having to beat or stake a fellow vamp to death.
Feedback: semi_sweet_16@hotmail.com
Content: Clean.
Summary: Angel recollects on his past with Buffy and his demons.
Journal
Sept. 1, 1999
I sit in my loft, thinking about all the things that had happened between Buffy and I. I feel wrong about my decision to leave her but then again…I loved Buffy for a long time. Even before she ever met me, I was drawn to her. Maybe I was foolish for thinking that a then fifteen-year-old girl could ever fall in love with a then two hundred and thirty-nine-year-old vampire.
I was conceived out of mere amusement. At the time I was young and very stupid. I thought I was helping a young woman, little did my stupid, arrogant self realize that I was making a big mistake. All I can say is that I was very drunk and was passing myself onto her and she took great pride in making me, a vampire. Darla, that witch…but if it wasn’t for her, I would have never met Buffy.
The one thing I ever hated about myself was the fact of being cursed by the gypsies and I could never have a true moment of happiness without turning into a cruel, wicked monster, whose intention was to kill and only kill. Angelus, I was a mere demon who preyed on the innocent just for cheap, lousy thrills. He destroyed everything in his path. Angelus and Angel are one in the same, I have to deal with that realization. A fact that will stay forever embedded in my mind.
Now, in Los Angeles, the ‘City of Angels’, I roam the streets, helping others who are alone or too afraid of helping themselves. It’s my only way of ever finding peace with myself. But my thoughts always travel back to Buffy; how could I ever learn to love such a creature. I would walk through fire and brimstone for her. Hell, I would spend all my years in the fiery pits of hell, just to keep her safe. All I wanted was Buffy and I to live a happy, normal life, but she being the Slayer, obligated to kill all demons, including myself. The four or five years, I have known Buffy, I could never think ill of her. I could still feel her arms around me, as we kissed under the moonlight. But it was bound to end, because of something evil in the air.
I can never take back all the evil that I bestowed upon others, but I can try to turn my ability to help. I owe that much to Buffy. Sometimes it takes someone you love to see the good that you possess.
My dead heart beats for those who need my help. With the love that I have received from her, my Buffy, I can love others too.
Besides, I owe her that much.
