You may remember me from such great infomercials as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident Stupid".-Troy McClure
Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but
my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and
banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might
have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer:
[cheerily] I like stories.
I kinda ran over his dog. Well, replace the word "kinda" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."-Lionel Hutz
Ms Krabbapple and Principal Skinner where in the closet making babies, and I saw one, and the baby looked at me!-Ralph Wiggum
Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.-Homer Simpson
In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.-Homer Simpson
Lisa: We ARE insured, aren't we, Mom?
Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to
town to get some insurance.
Homer: Curse you, magic beans!
Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
Homer: Hello my name is mister Burns. I believe you have a letter
for me.
Postal guy: Ok Mr. Burns, what is your first name?
Homer: I don't know.
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.-Homer Simpson
To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!-Homer Simpson
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.-Homer Simpson
Homer: remember when I got caugt stealing all those watches from Sears?
Marge: Umhum
Homer: well that is nothing because YOU have a gambeling
problem. And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house because he was dressed like santa clause?
Marge: Umhum
Homer: well YOU have a gambeling problem
Homer: Here are your messages, you have 30 minutes to move
your car, you have 10 minutes, your car has been impounded,
your car has been crushed into a cube, you have 30 minutes to
move your cube. (phone rings and Homer anaswers) Hello, mr.
Burn's office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene."-Homer Simpson
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?-Homer Simpson
Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)-Homer Simpson
Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.-Homer Simpson
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.-Homer Simpson
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.-Homer Simpson
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs.-Homer Simpson
Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.-Homer Simpson (I'm still laughing on this one)
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't- it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.-Homer Simpson