Gabbin' With Gabe

Well, it would appear that once again I have conformed to the masses. Rather than putting up something original, I have decided to follow my peers. At least I'm not calling it a boat, so it's not 100% stolen material. You see, the BOAT encompasses: Bitches, Opinions, and Thoughts. I just talk about crap, so I don't really think I can call it opinions or thoughts. Occasionally I will bitch, but that's not enough to call it a boat. Now that we've got that all sorted out, let the gabbin' begin!

August 29, 1999

Well, today I'm talking about change. Right about now I'm noticing how much I don't like it. The summer is almost over, and pretty soon I will be going to ND. This is going to be a fairly large change for me, and right now I have mixed feelings. It's going to be both good and bad. I like the fact that I will be making new friends, yet I hate to think about the ones I will lose. It's really got me thinking about change in general.
When you look back, I think one of the most difficult things to do is admit that there are aspects of your life that are already over, and there is no way that things can ever be the same. I don't mean just your age, but your old group of friends, or the school you used to go to, or anything memorible. I know this is something that is said often, but you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's true. Just something as stupid as believing in Santa Claus, or playing outside with the neighborhood kids. You realize how easily you were entertained, and how simple things made you happy and gave you hope. It pains me to think that I will NEVER experience that kind of hope, or that kind of happiness again. I don't think I will ever experience the piece of mind that I did when I was younger, and that scares me.
It's almost as though with every chapter of your life that is closed, a piece of you is left behind with that time in your life. And a person only has so many pieces. It seems that with every piece you lose, life gets a little more boring, and and a little more difficult, and a little more meaningless. And the worst part about it is knowing that you waited for this. When you were a kid you WANTED to be older. You couldn't wait. Older kids get to do all the fun stuff. It's true that we can do more, but it seems that the more there is to do, the less things there are that you want to do.
The thing is, change isn't all bad. In fact almost all change has some positive aspect about it. Essentially, change is progress. Well, not quite. Change is what allows progress to occur. And because of this, society needs change. A society that will not accept new ideas will eventually fall apart. Aside from the fact that a society like that could not compete with other societies, it's suppression of change would suppress almost all creativity. All free thought. Basically, evolution. Therefore, the world DEPENDS on change.
Now although I have presented you with both sides of the arguement, whether or not you are for change is rather irrelevant. The reason is, as much as we try to kid ourselves, we do not control change. Change controls us. That is why the moral of this entry is not "try to avoid change" or "go for change."
The moral is respect what you have, and accept what you are given. The worst thing you can possibly do is try to avoid change. Just respect and remember the good things that you used to have. Change will happen whether you like it or not, so all you can do is remember. And when change occures, look for the good aspects. Sure, there will be sacrifices, and sure, it might be hard. But life is just too short to be dwelling in the past. Way too short. Live in the moment, and make the best of what you have.

August 10, 1999 (actually 11th)

Today people, I would like to bring to the attention of everyone something that affects us all. Have you ever said to yourself: “no matter how hard I try to be friends with people, they never care as much as I do. They never put in as much effort. I’m always the one that has to try harder, I always have to phone them up. I’m the one who has the bad end of the deal.” Especially with people you like (romantically). It always seems like they don’t care and it can be very frustrating. I have to admit, I feel like this at times too. I think everyone does. But now think to yourself, have you ever heard anyone else say that sort of thing? I know I sure have. Still no connection? Well I recently talked to someone who I feel this way with. It always seems like I have to put in extra effort with this particular person. I try so hard to keep our friendship, but it still seems like they could care less. Well when I was talking to them, they said that exact thing to me. They said they felt like they always had to put the effort in with their friends and the people they like. And to tell you the truth, it made me angry. I try so hard with this person, but they go ahead and say no one likes them and they never get any attention. It pissed me off that my actions and efforts go so unnoticed. Later on, when I thought about what they had said, I realized something. When we feel like no one likes us, we’re not talking about everyone, it’s really just one or two people. It’s the friend that won’t give us attention, or the person we like who could care less. And unfortunately, this creates a negative loop.
While you are busy worrying about the friend that doesn’t care, you aren’t paying attention to the ones that do. You feel that you are the victim, but you are really inflicting the same pain you feel on someone else, by ignoring them the same way you are ignored. You don’t realize that you are treating others like crap because you are to busy worrying about how you are being treated like crap. Whe you look at yourself, you see someone who is being neglected; but when others look they see someone who is receiving attention, but not giving any back.
When I thought about what my friend had said, I looked at the way I am treating people, and the way people are treating me. Although this friend isn’t always there, most of my friends are. I realized that I was so busy being the victim, that I wasn’t giving my other friends the credit they deserve. The only way to break the chain is to change it yourself. You have to watch the way you act with EVERYONE, not just your current obsession.
What I’m basically getting at with this entry is two things. First of all, I want to tell everyone to treat others how they would like to be treated. I think everyone already knows this, but it still isn’t accomplished because people aren’t aware of one important factor. People aren’t aware of the way they treat others. You may be sitting there thinking you are aware and this doesn’t concern you. Well, I would have said the same thing a few days ago, but it’s not true. Just look around and you will see there are so many people supporting you, and of these people there are many you do not fully support.
Once you have realized this, you're already half-way to solving the problem. All you have to do from there is make sure you support those who support you. Just remember, you are not the victim, but a link in a chain. Make the first step; end the cycle.

August 09, 1999 (well actually Aug. 10, but at 1:00am)

I don't know, it seems to be some sort of trend. We're back on the topic of people in general. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. It seems to be an eternal cycle, and I've come to the conclusion that in many ways dependancy on people is both mankind's greatest weakness, and greatest strength. First of all, I think we should face the facts. Everyone needs someone at some point. I don't know if everyone agrees with me, but it is my belief, so I'm basing my debate on that fact. I don't care how independant or anti-social you are, there is always a time when you need another person for something.
I feel this is a weakness because it takes away your control. When you need no one but yourself, you are in complete control. You can take care of yourself, and you are safe from the outside world to some degree. When you rely on someone, you are no longer in complete control. You have opened a part of yourself and essentially created a vulnerability. And therefore, you have created a weakness. No matter who it is or how trustworthy they are, you are no longer 100% independant. You are no longer fully in control. As depressing as it sounds, to confide in a close friend is to create the possibilty of being let down. Of being hurt. No matter how insignificant the interaction, the possibility of being let down exists. And the most depressing part about it is the fact that we cannot avoid this in any way. Eventually we just have to let it go, and hope that our hopes, and dreams, and feelings are not crushed in the process. It often seems easier to avoid friendships, relationships, or even contact with people as much as possible. Too often we find out our friends are not how they appear, or our relationships do not work as we had planned. Friends grow apart, and people break up. People don't like you for you, and your friends talk behind your back. It's sad, but true.
Now as much as I've made dependancy sound horrible, I said it was a weakness, AND a strength. A great strength, actually. As much as this statement may seem false, I truly believe that the few friends and relationships that last are worth each and every one that doesn't. It may seem unfair, but you have to take the bad with the good. The only way you can truly develop trust, or friendship, or even love, is to put yourself on the line, and hope for the best. If you never allow yourself to open up, you will never achieve these qualities that are SO important in life. Once you have found the friends that prove themselves to be worth all the trouble, you will realize that dependancy was the only way to achieve the relationships you have. And good relationships and friendships are definately a step or two in the direction of happiness; which is what we should all be aiming for.
When you take a step back and look at it, dependancy on others really is an interesting aspect of human nature. It's ironic that's it's consequences can be so negative and positive at the same time. It's depressing, it's inspiring, it's life. And it's the way it is.

July 11, 1999

Okay, today's topic is... PEOPLE! I've got a couple of issues regarding this particular species. First of all, I find it VERY scary that in many cases, what you see is what you get. What I mean is, personally, I act a certain way around people I just meet. Once I get to know them, I slowly begin to open up more and more to the point that I will tell them most of what is on my mind. For some, though, the person you first meet is the only person there. There is nothing more to see or get to know. I can't comprehend how a person can have that type of mentality. It literally amazes me that a person can go through life, not thinking about the future; not questioning humanity, their emotions, their relationships, their existance; not analizing their decisions and actions. Only trying to satisfy themselves directly. Only caring about the score of the hockey game, what's for dinner, when they can smoke up again, catching their favorite tv show. Having no sense of loyalty, not even to their friends and family.
Now I'm not saying either you are sensitive and deep or cold and shallow. I'm not saying that at all. There are people at either end of the scale as well as in the middle. It's not black and white. There are some people who are loyal and caring, but just don't have much deep thought. There are others who are very deep and caring. Others are just zombies. It jumps all over the place. In fact I'm not even saying it's better to analize. I'm just saying that it's different and from the point of view of someone who thinks about things to a fairly large extent, it's inconceivable. In a way, I both envy and feel sorry for a person who is "shallow." Considering my views on happiness being the meaning of life, it is arguable that a shallow person can more easily achieve happiness. If you don't have millions of questions and thoughts and insecurities running through your head, then you don't have all that much to worry about. I'm sure you are all familiar with the term "ignorance is bliss." Well I think that saying is extremely accurate. If a full stomach and a tv made me happy, I'd be happy 24/7. It would be great. I wouldn't have a future or a job, but that's the beauty of it! I wouldn't care!
On the other hand, all these people are missing out on what is probably the most important part of life aside from happiness; purpose. Doing something that affects people in a positive way. Expanding on a field of science, writing a book, even just fully understanding yourself and being at peace with yourself. If you can't think past enertaining yourself, you might as well not even bother; which is why I have decided that the meaning of life (for me at least) is happiness WITH/AND a purpose. A purpose doesn't have to mean a giant accomplishment, just some thought or reasoning, or even just emotional acknowledgement. In retrospect, I DO think that being "deep" is better than being "shallow." Purpose and thought, when combined with happiness, are what give life meaning; and are what truly make life worth living.

July 5, 1999

Alright, I've been doing a lot of thinking (ahhh! That's almost a thought. I'm selling out!) and I've come to some important conclusions. First of all, I was reading my friend's site (this would be you, Steve), and I came across his most current boat. Now he addressed the fact that many of us may not be prepared for life after high school. No matter how much you bullshit yourself, everyone is a little unsure, to some degree, about what is going to happen after high school. Now after some careful consideration, I am beginning to think that we have been looking at the whole situation the wrong way. People always emphasize that you should keep your options open, and stay in school. When you think about it though, what is it all leading up to? Our society seems to be organized in a way that we are always in "preparation mode." We aren't doing, but waiting. That's where the problems start. What are you waiting for? Well as much as people try to expand and complicate the meaning of life, I believe it to be a simple concept. Happiness. Why do you want a new car? It makes you happy. Why do you want to be in a relationship? It makes you happy. You are always doing one of two things: being happy, or waiting to be happy. The problem is, if you are always waiting, chances are you will keep waiting, and never be happy. Now I'm not saying you should drop out of school. I actually am quite against that, because most of the time it's for stupid reasons. What I think, though, is that there should be a balance of happiness, and preparation. Honestly, it would be impossible to be happy all the time. In a way, being unhappy sometimes can make you appreciate happiness that much more. But people need to take some emphasis off of "work now, play later" because life is meaningless if you are always working. I think people should realize that life is not black and white. School is a basic "guide to the future" but it doesn't accommodate everyone. Not everyone is happy being a doctor and earning lots of money. People need to realize that everyone has different things that make them happy. For some, money can buy their happiness, and a high paying job is exactly what they should aim for. Others, though, are more happy being in a good relationship, regardless of how much they make.
Now I tend to get a little off topic when I'm dicussing things, so I think I should recap what I'm trying to say. Whoever is reading this right now: Take a step back and look at your life. Are you happy? I don't mean are you having the time of your life right now, but are you content overall? Well, for a lot of us, the answer is no. If you answered no, ask yourself one more thing. What would make you happy? Well whatever it is, you should try to achieve it. Don't concentrate all your efforts on the future. You should still keep your options open (because you never know what you will want in the future), but you should try to create a balance. If I were to die tomorrow, my life would be meaningful if I could say three simple words. "I was happy."

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