EVIL CHI MASTER

The following narrative is a hilarious little thing that I found in the Martial Arts Newsgroup Archives. It is truly a work of art. See how many subtle references that you can find. Whenever I get in too deep and see more politics in kung fu that drive me nuts, I come back to read this. I suggest you do the same!

Greeting, fellow martial artist.

Please allow me introducing myself. I am Dr. Yang Sze, EVIL MASTER OF CHI!!!MWAHAHAHA!!!!

Allow me relate you this story young man who visit my kwoon.

He come my kwoon wear Brazil jiujitsu t-shirt and he say his name Gichoke. He asking me I teaching grappling technique. I say no, young Blowchunk, I teaching taichi chuan. He getting mad and say my name Gichoke not Blowchunk, then he disrespectful taichi chuan. He say taichi for old man like me, then say his Brazil jiujitsu technique beat my technique. I say young Fudgepoke, you make me laughing, MWAHAHAHA!!!!

So he again getting mad and say my name Gichoke not Fudgepoke and challenge me to fighting. I say you silly little high school boy, go back rolling around on floor with other boy. MWAHAHAHA!!!!

My evil-style taichi chuan is most best combat system, if proper technique no can defend! Only practicing chi powers making TRUE MARTIAL ARTIST and you young Sheeppoke are weak in ways of chi! But silly little boy insist so we go into my training room. He ask where mat for floor because my kwoon floor hard wood. I say no mat for evil-style taichi young Gijoke! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

Now he getting afraid but he too stupid to leave. So I say you attacking me now, young Gispunk! And he try to shoot under my arms and taking me to floor, but I using internal strength technique from evil-style taichi and bitchslapping Gichunk into wall! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

Many time he attacking and many time I bitch-slapping silly boy. But silly boy still attacking so I change to deadly dimmak technique. Only using one finger striking and only touching Gichoad now, but every time he attacking and every time he falling to floor scream in pain and silly boy crying about hard wooden floor! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

So now I using deadly pressure-point chinna grappling technique and flipping silly boy into air and landing on hard floor. I say now I demonstrating more weakness Brazil jiujitsu system. I say now I demonstrating Chinese animal style kung fu, and my style is dog-style kung fu. So I blow whistle and my attack dog Fang coming into kwoon! Fang attacking young Gichimp and Fang biting silly boys arms and face. I say Brazil jiujitsu not complete martial art, can no defend against dog! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

But stupid boy saying fuck you, so I kicking silly boy in head while he wrestling Fang. So I say see young Gipoke Brazil jiujitsu technique no can defend multiple attackers! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

After silly boy bleeding long time I tell Fang go away. So I asking young Gipuke you believing in chi powers now? He say no, so I say I now using ancient Chinese secret art of feng-shui against him. Stupid boy asking what is feng-shui? So I say feng-shui most ancient art of manipulate chi power by rearrange furniture. Very powerful system, can no defend! So silly boy laughing and say you will defeat me using interior decoration? Then he disrespectful feng-shui so I demonstrating. I kicking coffee table into silly boys knee, then I move chair behind silly boy, then kicking Gijoke against chair. Silly boy head is flying into desk corner and cracking head open. So I say see silly boy this furniture position much worse for your chi! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

But STILL stupid boy no give up, so now I using most deadly technique of no touching chi power KONG JING!!!! So I saying you call your name Gichoke so now I showing you CHI CHOKE! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

So I standing across kwoon from silly boy but I using kong jing power and choking stupid young Gispunk. After silly boy waking up I asking now you believing chi powers? Gichunk get down on hands and knees and begging forgiveness, asking please me teaching him secrets of evil-style taichi. He finally learning that Brazil jiujitsu technique no can defend against chi powers!!! So I saying young Gipunk, you are weak in ways of chi but you have demonstrating much willpower in our combat. So I teaching you evil-style taichi!!!

EMBRACE DARK SIDE OF CHI, AND WE CAN RULING WORLD TOGETHER AS FATHER AND SON!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

So Gispunk becoming Dr. Yang Sze first American student and giving up silly Brazil jiujitsu! But I no am teaching Gichoad true secret of evil-style taichi! When silly boy knocked out from hitting desk, I using ancient Chinese secret. No Dr. Yang not using Calgon! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

I using hypnosis on silly boy so when I doing phoney kong jing technique silly boy thinking he choking! Now I renaming Gichoke as new name Chijoke, and he serving Dr. Yang as personal slave! MWAHAHAHA!!!! I teaching Chijoke fen shou technique, making silly boy to cleaning my toilet with bare hands! MWAHAHAHA!!!! And in return I teaching Chijoke phoney taichi techniques I learn from David Carradine video tapes and exercise I saying is chi kung really from Richard Simmons "Sweating To The Oldies" videos! MWAHAHAHA!!!! And Chijoke paying $200 dollar every month for phoney taichi, and if silly boy asking about technique not effective I say take twenty year to master.

And if young Chijoke doubt power then he remembering back to him choking with kong jing power!!! Silly boy mind very weak easy to manipulate! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

So you maybe asking why I doing terrible mean things to young Chijoke?

Because I am Dr. Yang Sze, EVIL MASTER OF CHI!!!

MWAHAHAHA!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!