Dear Till,
I am trying to get in shape for my vacation to Cancun and I want to look good in my bathing suit. How does one get in shape and stay healthy like you do?
Katie,24,Dallas,Tx
Dear Katie
It is very important to haf adequate diet and exercise. I get up at 2:00 in the afternoon. I grab a bottle of vodka and a "Jugs" magazine and I think you get the idea from here. After I am done vis zat,I go to frig und eat lots of saurkraut und bratswurst und vash it down vis bottle of Viskey. Zen I call up lady friend und she comes over und ve to lip locks,laps und horizontal tango. After zat I smoke a pack or two of Marlboro's. I vould be happy to be your personal trainer if necessary!! Or I find some pansy little boy und I chase him vis my flamethrower,zats alvays fun! Und ven you lose weight ,forget ze bathing suit und just go naked because you vill probably end up screwing me anyvay!! By ze vay ven are you leaving?
DearTill,
I am not happy with my marriage. All my husband wants do do is work,spend time with his friends,and lay around getting fat. I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention. Sometimes I feel downright neglected. What should I do to get his attention?
Lonely Housewife,Buffalo,Ny
Dear Lonely (Ho)usewife,
Looks like you vill need the "Personal Till Touch" Vy don't you hop on plane to Berlin und meet me at ze airport und I can give you attention. Zat could piss your husband off,but nonetheless a good vay to get his attention. Your husband is fat und a lazy pansy! Vy stay vis him ven you can haf hunky German Man Meat? Could you bring vone of your girlfriends too?
Dear Till,
There's a bully at my school who won't leave me alone. He beats me up for my milk money Even when though I just hand it to him first thing in the morning),pushes me around,steals my homework,calls me names,and holds my head in the toilet. This has been going on for so long but I've tried everything to get him to quit. He is so much bigger than me so I can't fight him,what should I do?
Little Timmy,Jacksonville,Fl
Dear Little Pussy,
Even though you are weak like little girl,you still haf options. A) Send me $10,000 und I vill kick his ass. B) Invest in a good flamethrower. C) run avay from home und change your identity,und get a job vashing my undervear cen Iam on ze road. Let me know if any of zis helps.
P.S. Is your mutter single und hot?
Dear Till,
I have this strange rash on my...you know,um how do I say this my cha cha. It burns and it is itchy. I was asking you since someone who gets around as much as you do would know how to get rid of it. I have had it for some time now and it is ruining my "business."
Burning Bush,Hotel 6 Rm#69 Sunset Blvd,Las Angelas,Ca
Dear Skank,
Vell,I find a good anti-itch ointment usually helps,und zen I take duct tape und pull all my private hair off. Und zen I...hey vait a minute,I zink I know you! I vas vis you ven I vas in LA! You dirty ho!! If you vere Paul,I'd kick your ass!!
Need advice? Go see a professional! But if you are broke e-mail Till and he will find time between touring,smoking,,drinking,and screwing to answer your questions.
*Disclaimer: in case you haven't noticed this is a parody. We all know that Till doesn't have this much time on his hands. Besides,the real Till is a lot smarter than to be giving advice like this!! Just remember we love Till and that is why we pick on him so much!
*I would also like to give a special thanx to Jessi! It was her What Would Till Do?(WWTD) piece on her website that inspired me to come up with all of this. The Rammstein Behind Closed Doors website was also a major influence! And another big thank you to Till himself for not coming over and aiming a flamethrower in my direction!
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