Chapter 4

© Copyright 2005 by Kimberly Jones

After a wonderful church service that Sunday, Michael sat in his mother�s living room watching the football game. At the dinning table behind him, his mother and Tracy were looking through old photo albums of him when he was a little boy.

�Oh, he is so cute and chubby with his little suit on, and his curly hair,� Tracy smiled at the picture with adoration.

�Yes, that was his first church suit. I think he was about six months then,� Cynthia peered over Tracy�s shoulder. �Every time I look at those pictures, I can�t believe how fast time flew. It�s like one minute he was my baby, and the next, he�s a grown man,� she smiled and continued searching through the album. �Oh, look at this one,� she passed Tracy a picture.

Michael tried hard to tune them out as his team was sent back five yards for a false start penalty. His team needed to win this game if they wanted to get into the playoffs. He watched with earnestly as the quarterback tried to throw the ball, but only to get sacked, which brought along the third down. Not only was his team playing awful, but Tracy was going to be leaving the next day, which is why he and his mother were going to take her out to dinner. He knew that he was going to miss her, but for some strange reason, his thoughts weren�t on her leaving. Sharon came to his mind, and he didn�t like the fact that she had been distancing herself toward him lately. When he tried to start a conversation with her, she would reply with short answers. He began to wonder if everything was okay. Was she able to pay her bills? Were their problems at home with Constance? Was she in good health? All these thoughts came to his mind, and he didn�t have a clue of how to go to her about them.

�Michael?� he heard his mother�s voice from behind him, and he turned to look at her. �I know you�re in the game, but do you remember this picture?� she said as she held up a picture of a smaller image of him with an Easter bucket and Sharon with her Easter basket.

�Yes, that was when we had that Easter Egg hunt at church,� he chuckled at the memory.

�Mmhmm, and Sharon was so intent on getting the most eggs that she was running and tripping over everything,� Cynthia laughed, �she was so competitive, and she always looked up to Michael. Where ever Michael went, you better believe Sharon was right behind him.�

The ladies laughed and looked at the picture again, and Sharon was standing next to Michael with a huge smile on her face, and her hair was all over her head with grass in it. �Did she get the most?� Tracy asked.

�Yes, out of her and Michael, she did,� Cynthia sighed, and Michael knew that Sharon had always been like a daughter to his mother. But for some reason after Sharon had gotten pregnant, she had begun to put up a wall between them. Michael smiled and turned to continue to watch the game, but he wasn�t really watching the game. His thoughts were on Sharon, and he believed that she was putting up that wall again. If only I had went to a local college like Sharon had asked. Things would be the same. He thought. But then I wouldn�t have met Tracy. Would that be so bad? He quickly put that thought out of his mind. Tracy was the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he wouldn�t have changed that for nothing in the world. Well, why do I feel like things would be better if I had stayed?

�Well, are we ready to go to dinner,� Cynthia said. �I don�t want to be out too late.�

�Okay, well let�s go,� Michael stood and stretched as the ladies walked out the door, he followed close behind them. For some reason, during the drive to Seafood and Grill, his mind was still occupied with Sharon. His thoughts began to go down memory lane from when they were children, and to when they were teenagers. At that time, he wanted to be more than friends with her, but she was too head over hills in love with Darnell, and then he left for college, and met Tracy. He was in the library doing a research paper, and Tracy had sat at his table, and when he looked up at her she smiled and he began a conversation with her about school and his faith. From that point on, they did a lot of things together. Tracy was very fun to be with. She knew how to tell a joke better than the next person, but when he first met her, he was still in love with Sharon even though his mother told him that she was pregnant. He tried calling Sharon, but she was never at home. Finally, he had decided to move on with his life, and that�s when he began to take Tracy more seriously. Tracy was beautiful with her short hair and dimpled smile. She was a wonderful person on the inside and very loving and caring, and most of all, she was a child of God.

Michael parked the car and opened the door for Tracy and Cynthia, and as they walked into the restaurant, they seemed to not notice him as the ladies continued talking. Michael didn�t mind. He had other things that seemed to be on his mind. He wasn�t going to be able to see Tracy off to the airport because he had a client that he had to meet with, and plus, he had made the decision to talk with Sharon.

As the hostess sat them all down at the table, it was then the ladies invited him into their conversation.

�So, what did you like about the sermon?� Tracy asked looking at him intently.

�Well�I heard bits and pieces of it, but what I heard, I enjoyed. I liked how God allowed Pastor Tony to teach us about the authority that we have over Satan. I mean, I always knew that Jesus said that if we have faith as small as a mustered seed, we could move mountains,� he paused as the waitress came to take their orders for there drinks, and when the waitress left, he continued, � but when I actually saw in Colossians 2 that the Godhead was in us, and knowing that the Godhead consisted of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, it just takes that verse into another level.�

�Yes, I know what you mean, and to know and read it in the Bible that God has given us authority over all evil. That�s just a blessing all in itself,� Tracy said as the waitress came with her water, and the rest of the drinks and took their order for their food.

�Pastor Tony was on fire today. I just can�t wait to see what God has in store for us all next week,� Cynthia said and took a drink of her tea.

�I know, too bad that you won�t get the chan�� Michael stopped in mid-sentence as he saw the hostess bring in Sharon and Constance. He watched until they were seated a few table across from them.

Tracy looked at him and followed his eyes until her own landed on Sharon. With a puzzled look, she looked back to Michael, but only to see him still staring at Sharon.

�Oh, look. There�s Sharon and that darling little girl of hers,� Cynthia said with a smile �Sharon,� she spoke loud enough for her to hear, and when Sharon saw them, she smiled and waved, and Constance called out Cynthia�s name and ran to her and gave her a hug. �How are you doing?�

�I�m fine. I saw you in church, and wanted to say hi, but mommy said that we had to go.�

�Oh, that�s okay. Look at how things worked out. God has a way of doing things. Did you enjoy church?� she said as she hugged Constance one last time.

�Well�� she shrugged, �I really didn�t understand it, but Mommy said that she will try to explain it to me. Mommy took notes. I tried to take notes, but I couldn�t spell some of the words,� she shrugged again.

Cynthia smiled, �Well I tell you what, if you still don�t understand after your mommy explains it, then you are always welcome to ask me, but of course, there is Pastor Tony, and I�m sure he�ll be happy to answer any questions you might have for him.�

�Okay,� Constance then looked at Michael and Tracy. �Hi,� she smiled to the both of them.

�Hey, princess, may I have a hug,� he said with outstretched arms. Constance giggled as they hugged. �How have you been? And how is school?�

�Great. I made a hundred on my spelling test,� she said with excitement.

�Well, you know what that means, it�s time for a celebration. How about we catch that new movie�uhm�what�s it called?�

�The Incredibles!� Constance said with excitement, and the ladies began to chuckle.

�Yes, that�s it,� he said with a smile, �I like that dress you had on today. You looked just like the little princess you are.�

�Thank you��

�Hello everyone, I apologize,� Sharon unknowingly interrupted Constance, as she came to the table, and looked at everyone except Michael. �Connie is a little chatter box.�

�Oh, that�s okay, we really enjoyed her,� Michael said as he pinched her cheek.

�Hey, why don�t the two of you come over next Saturday? I�ll cook dinner. What would you like for me to cook?�

�Cake!� Constance said with a smile.

Everyone laughed, and Sharon answered, �Sure, we�ll be there, and anything you cook will be perfect,� she turned to look at her empty table. �Well, we better go before the waitress start looking for us. It was nice talking with all of you.�

�It was nice talking to you, dear. See you, Connie,� Cynthia smiled.

�See you, later,� Michael said, and Sharon just smiled and walked away.

�She�s a very respectful little girl, isn�t she?� Cynthia said as she turned and talked to her son and future daughter-in-law.

�Yes, she is,� Michael finally took his eyes off of Sharon as he answered his mother�s question. She still hadn�t looked at him, and believe it or not, it had sent a pain to his heart as he tried to make conversation. �Well, what were we talking about?�

�The services all next week.�

�Oh, yeah, I was saying that it is going to be a shame that you will have to miss next week, Tracy,� he quickly glanced to Sharon�s table, and then looked at Tracy.

�I know, but you could mail the tapes to me.�

�Oh, yeah, that�s right. I don�t know why I didn�t think of that,� he chuckled to himself.

After the waitress brought the food and blessing was said, Michael tried hard not to look at Sharon, but he felt the need to, and so he did, and when he looked, their eyes met, and she quickly looked away from him and continued talking to her daughter. Whatever they were talking about brought a smile to her face, and for some strange reason, he wished that he was included in the conversation.

�Michael?�

�Oh, I�m sorry,� he looked at Tracy who clearly said something that he had missed.

�Are you okay?�

�Yes, why do you ask?� he said with a smile.

�I don�t know. It�s just that all day, you seem to be a million miles away,� she said with concern in her voice.

�Oh, well, I just have a lot on my mind.�

�Is it anything that we should talk about?�

�No, no, it�s nothing that me and the good Lord can�t handle,� he took a big bite of his catfish, and stuffed a French fry smothered in ketchup into his mouth. As he thought about the look he saw in Sharon�s eyes. Something was definitely bothering her, and he made it apart of his agenda to find out what it was.

~*~*~*~

Sharon looked across the table at her daughter, who looked so much like her father, it was a shame. Their eyes were so much a like that for a minute there she thought that she was staring into his once more. Constance was a beautiful little girl, and as the waitress brought them their food, she saw a change in her daughter that she didn�t understand. Her daughter�s face went from a smile to a thoughtful frown, and it made Sharon wonder what could have change her expression so quickly. �Is everything okay?�

�No, ma�am,� she said as she reached for the ketchup for her fries and cheeseburger.

�How about we say grace, and then talk about it.�

�Okay,� she shrugged as she reached her hand across the table and prayed with her mother.

Sharon watched Michael and the ladies leave and nod her head with a smile while her daughter smiled and waved to them.

�So, what�s going on?�

�Well, it just that�when I saw Michael and that other lady in church today, it kind of made me sad.�

�Why did it make you sad?� Sharon asked as she dipped her lobster tail in the buttery sauce.

�I�well, I thought that the two of you would get married, and then I would have a father like all the other kids at school.�

Sharon put her lobster meat down and looked at her daughter. She didn�t know how to explain things, but she had to some kind of way. �Honey, you do have a father like all the other children. You have a heavenly Father who loves you way more than anyone else does, even me.�

�I know that mommy, but I want someone that I can take to the father-daughter functions at church. I want someone who could teach me how to play soccer or basketball.�

�I know, sweetheart, but we just have to wait on the Lord, and who knows, maybe your real dad will come around and try to get to know you.�

�Yeah, maybe,� she stuffed a French fry in her mouth with a sigh.

Sharon looked at her daughter and wished that there was something more that she could do, but at that moment all she could do was pray, and hope that Constance will realize that God was the only Father she needed.

~*~*~*~

Michael and Tracy sat silently in front of the hotel building after he put the car in park. The uncomfortable silence was more than Michael could bare, he knew that there was something on Tracy�s mind, and he wondered what. He knew that he was about to find out, but kept quiet until she was ready to speak. As he began to fidget in his seat, he waited, and looked at her for some sign of what she was thinking, but found none.

�Michael,� Tracy lifted her head. The tears in her eyes surprised him. He began to worry and search her eyes for anything that would show him why she was crying.

�What�s wrong?� he said as he reached out to her to put an arm behind her neck and bring her forward so that her head rested on his shoulder. Her shoulders shook and all he could do was try to comfort her and wait for her to begin to talk.

�I�m sorry,� she said as she sat up and Michael reached into the glove compartment to get her a napkin to wipe her face. Tracy laughed, �I love you, you know that?� she said with a smile as she looked at him.

�Of course, I do, and I love you too,� he reached for her face and gently caressed a tear away.

�Yes, but because I love you, I am going to do the right thing.�

�What do you mean?� a puzzled expression crossed his face as he looked at her and moved his hand back as she bowed her head to wipe her face again.

�I�m going to call off the wedding,� she looked at him again, but this time she wasn�t smiling and tears was still streaming down her face.

�What?� he searched her eyes. �Tracy, you�re kidding, right?�

�No, I�m not. You�re not in love with me. I always thought that, but after today, you�ve made it much more clear.�

�Tracy, I don�t understand,� he said as he raked his hand over his face �Why...you can�t do this to me,� he gently took her hands into his, �I do love you,� with tears in his eyes he said, �Tracy, please tell me that this is a joke.�

�I know that you love me, but you�re not in love with me. You�re in love with someone else,� Tracy looked at her hands waiting for his response.

�What are you talking about?� he said as he tried to understand her. She kept talking in little phrases that had him so confused. If she would just get it all out at once, then he would be able to settle this by telling her how much he loved her.

�I�m talking about Sharon,� as she said those words, he turned and looked straight ahead as he listened. �I�ve seen how you look at her, and how you touch her.�

�Tracy, Sharon is just a friend. That�s all nothing more and nothing less,� he rubbed his face with his hands in frustration as he continued to speak calmly, �She is a very close friend, and I tend to think of her as a sister from time to time, but that�s it. Yes, a long time ago, I was in love with her, but��

�That�s it, Michael, you still love her, and the sad part about it is that you don�t even know it. She�s always held that special part in your heart. I always felt that there was something or someone that was holding you away from me,� she wiped another tear, �and the more I think about it. The more clearly it comes to me. The way you acted when you saw her coming in with that box of stuff at the office, and the way you showed her around that day. It was like I wasn�t even there, and today, you couldn�t even keep your eyes away from her.�

�Tracy, you�re talking out of your head. Maybe you�re having pre-wedding jitters or something.�

�No, Michael, I am serious. I can�t marry you. Not now and not ever,� she said as she gathered her purse and began to put on her coat. �Your heart belongs to someone else, and one day, you will thank me for it.�

�But I love you. Why can�t you understand me?�

�I do understand you, but as I said before, you are not in love with me, and deep down, you know that it�s true. I�m more of a friend, and Sharon is more of the marriage type. Besides, Connie adores you, and you adore her as well. She is a great child and she deserves a great father.�

Michael laid his head back in disbelief. He couldn�t believe the words that he was hearing. It was like a piece of him was being torn away, and then he thought of Sharon. He couldn�t possibly be still in love with her. Some how, he would make Tracy see his love for her.

�Here, Michael,� Tracy gave him back his diamond ring. �Give this to the woman who has your heart. Because it doesn�t belong to me,� Tracy then opened her door to get out of the car.

�I�ll give you time to think this over,� he reached for the ring and put it in his pocket. �In the morning, you�ll know that I love you and only you.�

Tracy smiled at him as tears glistened her eyes and shut the door and walked away. Michael just stared at her retreating back as she walked into the hotel building. He knew then that Tracy was now apart of his past.

~*~*~*~

The next morning, Sharon sat at her desk happy that she had the office to herself. Michael was meeting a client that morning, and she was typing away as she made up a new application form for the clients. She had answered the phone and left messages on Michael�s desk, and as the morning began to change to noon, Michael walked in he paused and looked at her for a moment.

�Good afternoon,� Sharon said with a smile that didn�t reach her eyes.

�Uh�hello,� Michael said, and she thought that he wanted to say more by his hesitation, but instead he walked into his office and shut the door. She found herself relieved that he didn�t say more, but then moments later, he called her into his office. Sharon took a deep breath. She really wasn�t ready to talk to him yet. She didn�t feel comfortable around him anymore. Every time she was around him, she began to get nervous, and she felt as if she would trip over her own foot. Each time she prayed that it wouldn�t happen, and so far her prayers had been answered. She began to think of what Erin had said, but she quickly tried to dismiss the thought. Besides, she was starting to like Tracy. I�m not jealous. I can�t be. I like Tracy, right? She thought. Well, why do I feel this way. What is wrong with me? I�m just being silly�this is my friend, and friends are comfortable around each other, right? She took a deep breath before opening his door.

�Have a seat,� he said as she entered his office.

Sharon sat down in the chair across from his desk and waited patiently as she saw him looking out of the window as the water from the clouds hit the glass with loud thuds. He had his hands in his pant pockets, and after a while of waiting, he turned to her, and the look he gave her almost tore her heart. His eyes looked to be filled with as much sadness as the day looked gloomy. He bowed his head for a while and then walked over to the sofa and put his head in the palm of his hand. The troubled sigh he gave made her heart ache, and she longed to comfort him that very moment, but forced herself to stay where she was, and wait to hear what he had to say.

�How are things with you?�

�Everything is wonderful. How are you?� she asked in concern. She wanted so badly to know why the hurt was in his eyes.

�Well,� he shrugged and looked up at her, �It�s been crazy.�

�What�s wrong, Michael,� Sharon stood and went to sit next to him.

�Oh, Sharon,� Michael put his head in his hands, �Tracy left me.�

Sharon�s body became stiff. She saw and heard the pain in his voice and wondered how she could be so relieved and sad at the same time, �I�I�m sorry. What happened?�

�She started talking about all this stuff about me not loving her,� he raised his head and looked at her. �I tried to tell her that I did, but she didn�t want to hear it,� he put his head back into his hands, �Oh, Sharon, what am I going to do?�

Sharon gently caressed his back as she tried to comfort him, �I don�t know,� she gave him a gentle hug. �Why would she say something like that,� she released the embrace and went back to rubbing his back.

�I don�t know. She say that I�m in love with you,� he lifted his head up. Sharon moved her hand from his back as she became very tense with shock. He continued as if he didn�t notice, �I told her that it was crazy. I mean, you, are my friend. You�re like a sister to me, but she just�I don�t know. What am I going to do?�

Sharon sat quietly. She didn�t hear anything else he said after him being in love with her. She knew it was completely off the wall. Of course, he wasn�t in love with her. �Is that the only reason she left you?� she said in a joking manner and tried to laugh, but found herself being the only one laughing and cleared her throat. �Just tell her.� �I did, Shar, but she�s not hearing it,� he said with frustration.

�Maybe, I should call her for you, and��

�No, you�ll only make things worse,� he stood up and began to pace. �I don�t know where she got that conclusion,� he said more to himself then to Sharon, �I mean just because I was worried about the distance you were putting between us and�yeah, I was in love with you a long time ago, but I�m��

�What? What did you just say?�

�I said�� he looked at her, and by the look in his eye she knew that he never wanted to tell her.

�Did you say that you use to love me?�

�Well, yeah, but that was a long time ago. I moved on.�

�You never told me?� she said as she tried to take in the surprise.

�I didn�t want to loose you as a friend. Plus, you were so in love with Darnell that you didn�t see anybody else, but him.�

�Is that why you started acting different in your senior year? Is it? I mean, when I needed to talk to you about Darnell and me.� She pointed her finger at him and her voice began to shake, �You pushed me away. He began to put pressure on me about things, and you weren�t there,� her shaky voice began to rise. �I needed you. I begged for you to stay, but no you wanted to go away to college.�

�Do you know how it feels to want someone that you can�t have,� he tried to stay calm, but his frustration began to take control. �It was very hard and painful. I guess that you would rather for me to be depressed each time I saw the two of you together.�

�That�s besides the point, Michael, I needed you, and you weren�t there,� she said as she stood and point to herself. �I love my daughter, and I wouldn�t trade her for nothing in the world, but do you know how hard it was for me to sit there and hear a guy, I thought I love, tell me that his daughter wasn�t his,� tears were forming in her eyes. �Do you?� She tried to stop them by looking up at the ceiling.

�I tried to call you and write you, but you didn�t return my calls or my letters. I tried to be there for you,� he waited for her to respond and when she didn�t he went on, �Don�t you think you�re being a little selfish?�

�Selfish. Me being selfish?� she pointed to herself and the tears began to fall. �I�m done with this conversation,� she walked toward his office door. �I�m taking the rest of the day off,� she said as she shut his door behind her, and gathered her things and left out of the office.

She wiped the tears from her eye. Selfish. He was the one who was selfish. He left me when I needed him. He was too busy thinking about his feelings. I needed him, and if that�s the way you treat someone you love, then I don�t want any part of it. She said as she drove to the only other place besides church for comfort. Sondra. She always knew the right things to say.

~*~*~*~

Michael watched the door shut behind her, and ran his hand over his head in frustration. What is wrong with that woman? He went to his chair and sat down. I just needed someone to talk to, and she� He didn�t know what she did. He didn�t even know why she got so upset. That was a long time ago. I did what I thought was best. How was I suppose to know that she was going to�he sighed and laid his head back. Things didn�t go the way that he planned it to. I should have never told her about Tracy, but I thought that she would be there for me. Just to listen and�and�be there for me. His phone began to ring, but he didn�t answer it.

Michael stood and walked back to the window. The clouds were dark and filled with rain, but instead of thinking about the gloomy day, he was more focused on himself. He was so confused. His wasn�t focused on losing Tracy, all he could think about was what Tracy had said about him and Sharon, and the heated argument between the two of them. He thought that he was over Sharon. When Tracy came into his life, he still wanted to be with Sharon, and even wanted to help her raise Constance. After calling her and not hearing from her, he decided to move on, and that the dreams that he had for them were gone. Now, Tracy called off the wedding, and it�s causing him to reevaluate his feelings between her and Sharon.

When he came back to town, all he could think about was his business and seeing Sharon again and getting to know her daughter. Sure, Tracy came to his mind every now and then, but when he saw Sharon, she was on his mind most of the time. He wondered if she was happy and how her life was since she had a daughter at a young age. She was more mature, and she loved her daughter. She had a loving family who supported her. She was intelligent, independent, and a strong woman who could teach teenage girls how to survive from an early pregnancy. She was fun to be around, and easy to talk to.

Michael walked to his desk as he looked at the scattered papers of drawings for his next project. He tried to get back to work, but when he saw Tracy�s picture with her smiling face and dimples staring back at him, he began to think of her. He wondered what she was doing. Was she thinking about him? Did she regret calling off the wedding? Tracy was a woman who had a very kind heart and liked to carry herself with the best of clothing and shoes. She always had to have her hair and nails done. She was the type of woman who wanted to look good at all times. The more he thought about it, he could never recall seeing a hair out of place, but she was a very kind, beautiful, intelligent, and a loving woman. She was the kind of woman who loved taking care of herself. Sometimes when they would go out to eat, he would try to be the gentlemen and open the door, and pull her seat out for her to sit, but because she wasn�t use that type of treatment, she would move to the next seat and sit in it herself. She was a woman of God, who spent many hours trying to learn what she could about Him. She was the perfect wife.

Sharon was a woman who put others first. The type of woman who didn�t mind driving an out of style automobile as long as she was happy, and her daughter was happy. She was the kind of woman who he could surprise all the time with small gifts like flowers and candy or even a nice thank you card, and would be happy and content. She was a woman who enjoyed the simple things out of life, and more importantly, she was a woman of God.

Michael leaned back in his chair as he looked up at the white ceiling. He just couldn�t understand what brought that argument on. Yes, he wasn�t there for her, but couldn�t she understand how much it hurt him to see her holding hands with someone else or hugged up with another. He couldn�t handle it. He never thought that he would have fallen for her, but he did? He tried hard to dismiss those feelings by dating others, but it wouldn�t leave. He even left to go to college, and�it was still there.

�I still love her,� he said with undeniable shock.

He thought back to when he saw her for the first time since he came back to start his own business. He was so happy to see her, and enjoyed having her in his arms again. Just being able to touch her, and see her smile again, brought so much joy to him, and Constance. Constance was a very beautiful little girl with great manners. He enjoyed her company. Enjoyed playing games with her. She really was his little princess, and he couldn�t stand the thought of another man raising her. What am I going to do? He�s been asking that question a lot lately and he still didn�t have an answer.

His only problem was how was he going to tell Sharon. Did she have the same feelings for him? Could she return his love? �Oh, God,� he prayed, �I don�t want to move to fast, but I want Sharon to be willing to love me back, Lord. Guide my steps as I try to tell her my feelings. Help me, Lord, to move in your timing, and Father, help her to understand why I had to leave. In the name of Jesus, Amen,� he opened his eyes, and tried to work, but he knew God wanted him to do something else. So he silently obeyed, and picked up the phone to call Tracy and thank her.




HEY! and don't forget to e-mail Kimberly Jones if you have a comment! She would really like to hear from you.





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