Chapter 22

© Copyright 2007 by Elizabeth Delayne

With Rod’s hand in her own, Joanna went into the viewing room to where her mother’s body lay. There were people in the room, but she didn’t see them. She just moved forward. She wanted it over with.

She stared down into the casket and frowned. “It’s not mama.”

She felt Rod’s arm slide around her and she leaned into his shoulder.

“I just expected ... that she would look ...”

Joanna swallowed over the pain. Ann Berkley had done more than age. The illness and years, and whatever else had happened in between, had done more to her than a handful of years could.

She reached out, briefly touched the cold hand, and made herself say goodbye. She couldn’t talk. She couldn’t find the words to share with Rod what she was feeling. She couldn’t even cry.

Finally, she turned away and looked around the room. More people were gathered in the funeral home’s small viewing room then Joanna could count. As Rod held her hand tight in his, she looked around, noting the people who had turned up to support her family.

The church staff that Steven worked with, Joanna's own pastor, music minister and Sunday School leaders. Friends of the family, especially Jeff's, stood around solemnly, catching up with each other. Rod's parents stood by the far wall talking with Dr. Copeland.

Joanna looked up at Rod, stunned. “Your parents are here.”

Rod smiled at the perplexed look on her face and would have taken her in his arms if the setting had been different. “I forgot to tell you—they drove down ahead of me this morning, were planning on meeting with the Copeland’s. Mom would have contacted you, but she was afraid that you were under enough pressure with what had to be going on at your house, with the number of people there.”

Joanna breathed a sigh of relief, finally feeling a sense of comfort even Rod had not been able to give her. Jan saw them coming and met Joanna half way, holding on when Joanna’s arms refused to let go.

Rod stood beside his dad, watching them hold on to each other, peace inside of his heart. He’d known in the loss of Ann Berkley, a woman who mothered Joanna so little, that Joanna needed his own mother—needed the love and attention only Jan could give.

Jan led Joanna over to a bench in a quiet corner to talk, letting Joanna pour out her tears and emotions that needed to be shared.

They wrenched from her.

The hurts that had been built up in Joanna as a little girl, poured forth, the emotions so conflicting and painful that she hadn’t been able to release them all. She loved her mother, because Ann Berkley was her mother, but she was so confused in how to handle the abandoned feeling—abandonment her mother had continued into death.

* * *

The moment Joanna had been dreading came later. Rod had given her his keys so she could get into his car, on the pretense of getting some gum for the kids. She walked out into the night, following a stone path through a section of bushes, taking a few needed deep breaths.

She’d needed to get away. Rod had understood that simple fact.

She returned, gum in hand, all too soon.

Matt was waiting for her just inside the door. As Joanna looked up into her oldest brother's eyes, she saw the resentment and the fear he felt for her. While she understood, because she knew her brother, it bothered her that he had chosen to confront her at the funeral home.

“What are you doing, Joanna?”

“Rod and I are seeing each other,” she stated calmly, meeting his eyes, seeing no reason to delay the obvious.

“We’re different now Matt. We're both older and we've put the past behind us. I know that’s not something that’s easy for you to do, but I’m asking you. Please understand.”

“I haven’t forgotten what he did. What he said to you. Guys like him can’t, won’t love you. They strike out to hurt when they need to feel macho. You know what it did to our father.”

“Rod isn’t our father.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he’s not like that. He never was. He acted like he did because of the moment, because of who we were to each other then. I don’t even think he remembers it.”

“He’s just using you—”

“Wait a second,” Joanna countered. Her brother was angry, but then so was she. “Maybe you would have a right if there was some evidence, recently to Rod doing anything of the sort, but that’s not the main issue. How dare you bring this up when our mother is lying in there. I’m never going to be able to ask her why she left. I’m never going to be able to understand. We're here at the funeral home! We could at least respect the fact that mother did not want us to argue.”

“You were the one who brought him.”

“I brought him because I love him and I needed him here—”

“Joanna, grow up!”

“I do not need to grow up!” Joanna said through her teeth, stomping her foot on the floor. The absurdity of it almost made her smile. “Matt, I will not justify myself to you right now. All I know is that I love him, he loves me, and you have some explaining of your own to do to this family.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I've heard from a reliable source that you and mom have kept in touch all these years when the rest of us thought she was gone from our lives.” Joanna stared at her brother, waiting for him to explain. When he did not, she continued, “When you're ready to tell me, then I'll be ready to explain my feelings for Rod Kirkland. Until then, I suggest you keep to yourself.”

Joanna whirled and walked back outside. She was too upset to head into the reception room. She needed some fresh air.



“Joanna?” Chad voiced as he saw her sitting on the trunk of Rod's car. He had just pulled up and was heading in when he saw her. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes ... no, no it's not.”

Chad sat beside her on the car, letting the night settle around them. He missed her, had made himself too busy to stop and see her recently. Joanna lived too close to Meredith’s house for him to take a chance.

“Which one is it?”

Joanna laughed, a sound that surprised her. Chad had been close enough to her family long enough to know tension would be in the air when they were all together. “Matt.”

“I could of guessed that,” Chad said frankly. “What's his problem now?”

“He's just being Matt,” Joanna said with a shrug, frowning over the memories she wanted to forget. “I wasn't surprised. I'm expecting more conflict from all of my brothers, but that doesn't make any of it any easier.”

Chad nodded. He knew her family had problems, possibly more than anyone else outside the Berkley's. Bethany had been Joanna's relief for so long.

She seemed to be thinking along the same memories. “I was this close to going through that box you brought over weeks ago,” she said, holding her thumb and index finger and inch a part, “at least, before all this happened,” she looked at Chad and saw the weariness on his face for the first time. “Are you doing okay?”

“No, I'm not,” he said without thinking and winced, knowing he needed to tell someone. Maybe it was Joanna he needed to talk to, Joanna who would understand. “I haven't slept much all week.”

“How's Meredith?”

“I don't know. Haven't seen much of her. Neither one of us are ready for a relationship,” he lied, hating himself for being so low.

Joanna didn’t ask him to continue. She was too close to Bethany and Meredith to really understand his dilemma.

They sat on the trunk of Rod’s car for awhile, comforted in the silent understanding that they both could give. He tried very hard not to think of Meredith, but failed, constantly haunted by those Irish green eyes of hers.

Finally, to get away from the quiet or go crazy, he hopped off the car. “Are you coming in?”

“Not yet,” she whispered, “I'll be there in a minute.”

Chad nodded. They both had things they needed to face in the next few days, and he prayed that God would give them both the strength they needed.


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