Chapter 23

© Copyright 2007 by Elizabeth Delayne

Ann Berkley was buried next to her father on their family plot. Joanna felt like she was watching through a glass box. Her pastor’s voice faded in and out.

She was sure what he said was good and comforting, but there was not much he could say. A sob caught in her throat every time Joanna thought about it. Rod caught her hand each time and she held on for dear life. Tears rarely came. She felt too numb to cry.

Tom Berkley stood outside the crowd, defeated. Her brothers noticed him, everyone did—but she was surprised when Jeff who broke away and went to his side. He set his hand on his father’s back, touching when he couldn’t talk. As far as Joanna could see, they didn’t exchange words aloud, but mountains of emotions passed between their eyes.

The family headed back to Joanna’s after standing in the receiving line. Her father said a few words to Jeff and left, his middle son watching him go. Rod’s parent’s headed home and invited her for the weekend. Joanna made no promises, but she thanked them and clung to Jan one more time.

The friction inside the house kept Joanna in the living room with her brothers and their wives. Steven was pretty much ignoring Matt, talking around him and directing his comments and questions elsewhere. Jeff was simply quiet, as always, trying to sort the emotions out in his mind, neither reaching nor striking out. Matt was not making the situation better as he dropped hints throughout the conversation that Jeff was not doing his part, wasting away at an orphanage mission in France, and his comments toward Rod were spiced with animosity.

Joanna waited for the explosion she knew was going to come. Rod watched and kept quiet, his eyes observing all the details of the room.

Oh, Father, I didn’t want Rod to get involved in this—and yet, even as she prayed, she knew how much trouble that attitude had gotten her into the last time.

“I can’t believe you, Matt,” Steven’s voice exploded.

Joanna flinched. Obviously, Steven had finally figured out that Matt knew more then he’d ever said.

“We’re family, tighter than any bond on earth and you hide something like this from us!”

“Steven—“ Helen started.

“What bond? The bond that turns brothers against brothers before we even grew out of the same house?”

“Matt!” This came from Matt’s wife.

“I’m talking about now. We loved mother just as much as you did.”

“It was mom’s wish, not mine.”

“But you knew she was dying! You knew how we would feel!”

Jeff stared at his older brother, his face twisted in confusion and agony. “You mean, you knew? How could you? Matt you had no right!”

“You and your religion! How good would those false words of hope been for her if she could hear you?” Matt belted. “Oh, if mother would have heard that preacher today she would have been so ashamed!”

“Ashamed of God?”

“Ashamed that a man could pronounce such hocus pocus over her grave. You don’t even know how much both of you hurt her because you could do nothing better with your lives then to throw them into the work of superstitions. She raise you. Gave you the best she had.”

“The best?” Steven glowered.

“Steven,” Helen placed a hand on his arm.

“You never did try to understand. You preached all this good and she had so much pain.”

“Matt—” Joanna broke in, not wanting the conversation to turn into an angry battle of religion all over again. She had heard the arguments so many times growing up, and only now understood how wrong the situation made each one of them. She didn’t want her faith flaunted or insulted.

“There is a God, Matt,” Jeff whispered through his teeth as if Joanna had not spoken, “and one day you’re going to realize the truth. I pray it won’t be too late.”

“I think he’s gotten us off track,” Steven ventured. “We were discussing why he lied to us—”

“Steven!” Joanna felt helpless. She turned her eyes desperately to Helen. The two women stood, unmoving, while the tension soared.

“Joanna, stay out of this!” Steven scolded, as if he had any right.

“Why?” She asked, her voice rising with emotion.

“This is my family as much as yours, and maybe it’s time all of you realize that. I won’t have all this anger and ... and anger. Not today, not in this house ...” she tried to take deep breaths to calm herself down. “Our mother just died and all you can think about is arguing about something we can’t change? We are family, even if we’ve tried to stop being one.”

“Joanna—”

“No no no no no! Let me finish! I’m sick and tired of this bickering between us. Steven, Jeff, how do you two expect for things to get better when you never talk to Matt? I know for a fact that the only connection you have with him is through me. Do you think things are going to be solved today, while you rant and rave and condemn him? Do you think Matt is ever going to see the God we believe in and love when you act like a pack of wolves?”

“Well, I have a surprise for all of you. None of you are ever going to be better than the other. This thing you have between each other is a competition, not about faith. You all have your faults. Believe me. I know so because I grew up with you.”

“And Matt,” she turned toward her oldest brother, her anger toning down some. Not because she knew he was right, but because she saw the hurt and confusion mixed into the anger.

“You had no right to not tell us about our mother—to think your love was all she needed or any better than ours. How dare you keep us separated—because of our so called religion and God. Your lack of faith wouldn’t have let us keep you away—not for anything. She was our mother. Mine, yours, Steven and Jeff’s. We are a family,” her eyes met each sibling one on one, “Maybe it’s time we started acting like one. Especially today.”

“I’ve listened to all of this my whole life. I don’t think it has anything to do with mom or dad. You’ve been like this since I can remember. More than once I was told to keep my mouth shut and grow up, but I don’t think I’m the problem. I’m tired of being told I’m the problem. For once I’d like to ask you to grow up. All three of you.”

Joanna turned and ran up the stairs, fighting the tears and the feelings that shook her to the core. The house seemed to shrink in on her. The house with all its memories, with all its failures and anger. She had to get away.

She had to.

She found a light suitcase and blindly started to pack.

I can’t go on like this. Please work in the hearts of my family. Keep them safe, and somehow, please, somehow, break down the problems that keep us separated.

At the moment, she didn’t care if her truck broke down on her way out of town. She was not about to ask Steven for any favors at the moment.

Feeling someone watching her, Joanna turned, ready to explode, until her eyes met Rod’s concerned ones. She’d forgotten that he was there. That he had witnessed all that had gone on downstairs.

“Are you okay?”

The anger slowly depleted until she was left shaking in her weariness. As Rod stepped toward her, Joanna stepped back. “No, please,” she whispered, “please don’t touch me.”

Rod reluctantly let her retreat. Joanna’s resolve only stiffened as she met his eyes.

“I need to get away, Rod, and right now that last thing I want is to be comforted. I get so confused when you’re around.”

“It’s not your fault,” Rod reminded her gently. How many times in her life was she going to have to hear him say that?

“I know,” she wanted to reach out and touch him, but the familiar feelings she wanted to experience dissipated with the lingering pain and problems on top of her. “It’s just that I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of watching my family tear itself a part. I look at each of my brothers and love them all—but I feel torn between them. I just can’t stop the ripping I feel on the inside, not right now, and not here,” a small tear slipped from her eyes, and she hated it for slipping out. “Does that make any sense?”

She looked down at the bracelet on her wrist. A thought passed into her mind, burdening her heart further.

After Rod has time to think—will he still want me?

Joanna nearly looked up as Rod cleared his throat, but refrained, afraid of the confusion he would see in her eyes.

“Where are you going?”

His eyes were on her face, she knew, but she forced herself to look down at the bag in her hands. Surely, if she looked at him, she would really cry.

“I don’t know,” she replied solemnly, shrugging her shoulders, “I guess I hadn’t let myself thing about it.”

“Well, if you want,” Rod suggested cautiously, “go see mom.”

Joanna nodded, in her heart knowing that’s where she had been headed all along, she just had not thought about the details yet. “You will come see me—not today, but tomorrow?”

“I’ll call tonight—”

“Please—” Joanna whispered, her pained eye finally looking up to meet his. “You can call your mother, but I ... just give me some time. I want to talk ... I want you, but I’m so confused. I need some time.”

“Okay,” he whispered, afraid to press her too much. “I’ll call mom and tell her you’re coming.” Joanna nodded. “Is there anything you want me to tell your brothers?”

Joanna shrugged. “No, I guess I said everything I wanted them to hear.”

Even as she whispered the words, the love in her heart suddenly wanted to speak volumes. She knew she could not speak to them yet. She took a deep breath, “Tell Jeff, that I do love him, and if he heads back to France before I get back, well, tell him I’ll miss him and to tell Angela I miss her too. I understand he misses her and he has his mission responsibilities so he can’t stay forever. Tell him he can have full reign of the house while I’m gone, if he stays,” she shrugged again. “I guess that’s all I have to say.”

Rod nodded, wanting to hold her, but he knew she needed to be alone for a little while.

“Here,” he said, handing her the keys to his car, “take my car.”

Joanna shook her head, “No, I—”

“Joanna, please don’t ask me to let you drive away like this in that truck,” his eyes pleaded with hers as he pressed the keys into her palm. “I understand you need the time and the distance, but I want to make sure you’re safe—that you don’t have to deal with the problems that your truck will give you. Please.”

Joanna nodded and gave him the best smile she could muster. He reached out and took her bag. They walked silently through the house, now mysteriously vacant.

Rod opened the door to his car and tossed in her bag, then moved out of the way so she could settle in. He dipped down and took her hand, holding it with steady pressure, “I love you, Joanna,” he whispered. “Call me if you need anything.”

Joanna nodded, knowing better than to leave without saying the actual words. “I do love you, Rod Kirkland. I’m sorry if I’m not expressing myself well.”

“You’re doing the best you can.”

Joanna smiled, squeezed his hand and then reluctantly pulled away, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Rod stepped back and closed the door. Suddenly he knew what she was doing ... understanding that her inner instinct to run away was being routed by God’s hand. She was not running from him, only to a haven—a place where she knew she was loved. She needed to pray for her family. Her heart was crying out to get with God and somehow prayer seemed impossible in her childhood home. Possibly the pain of her surroundings was too great.

Rod stood in her yard and watched her drive away. While he had yearned to leave before now, taking her with him, he was now inclined to stay ... now that he knew Joanna’s heart, all he wanted to do was pray. And unlike Joanna, the old house did not break his spirits.


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