© Copyright 2006 by Jan G. Madden

Part I

“Susie, are you sure?” Cassie looked into the nurse’s eyes.

Susie looked at the lab report again before looking back at Cassie. “Yes, I’m sure. This is the third test in as many weeks, honey. I’m quite positive.” The nurse placed a gentle hand on Cassie’s upper arm before she continued. “You are expecting.”

Cassie Duncan felt her knees go weak as she allowed herself to fall back against the wall of the doctor’s office. Her arm tingled where the nurse had placed her hand. Tears threatened to fall as she lowered her gaze, and her chest visibly rose and fell in rhythm with her short, shallow breathing. Cassie brushed back her long hair and looked at Susie again. She couldn’t help but notice the puddle of unshed tears forming in Susie’s eyes.

“Oh, Susie, what am I going to do? Blake has only been gone six weeks. How can I deal with a baby on top of all that’s happened?” Cassie brought her hands to her face allowing the tears to flow. “Just looking at his child will … will constantly remind me of his … of his suicide.” Susie reached out and wrapped her arms around Cassie as Cassie cried on her shoulder.

Both looked toward the door when they heard it open. After Dr. Logan entered and closed the door, Susie shared the test results with him. Cassie sat in one of the brown vinyl chairs placed in front of the doctor’s desk; Susie sat in the other.

Dr. Logan had brought Cassie into this world twenty-two years ago. He had done his best to save her momma’s life as she hemorrhaged to death on that same day. Dr. Logan had comforted and consoled Cassie as they watched her daddy die of cancer a few years ago. And just six weeks ago, when she had found Blake slumped over the steering wheel of the running car inside the closed garage… Dr. Logan had come to her side. Now, Dr. Logan was here for her again. He had not only become a close family friend, but also a spiritual mentor.

Dr. Logan leaned against the front of his desk, slipped his hands into his khaki pants pockets, and in a soothing voice said, “Cassie, this is a new life inside you. This baby didn’t ask to be conceived, nor did he or she choose the time of birth. Nevertheless, God knows every detail of this precious life. His Word tells us that He knew this soul before he or she was formed. Now, of course, you will experience all sorts of feelings and emotions, but we have to accept God’s plan. We must keep you and your baby healthy and strong. So, let’s get you into an examination room, and get that first prenatal examination underway.”

Cassie allowed Susie to lead her to the examination room. She gave her the necessary instructions, and then left Cassie alone. Her body went through the motions, but Cassie felt as though she were in a fog.

As she waited in the exam room for Dr. Logan, she rubbed her belly. She wondered if this baby would have unusual gray eyes like Blake’s or if he or she would have big brown eyes like her own. Would it be a little girl and have auburn hair that hung in tight curls like Cassie’s or would it be a boy with straight brown hair like Blake’s? Would he or she be tall? Would….

Cassie jumped slightly when a knock at the door interrupted her thoughts. Dr. Logan and Susie entered and were soon examining her from head to toe. Susie rubbed some gooey jelly on Cassie’s belly, and then the sound monitor allowed them to hear crazy gurgling noises coming from inside Cassie’s womb. Susie finally said, “Listen, Cassie, you can barely hear the heartbeat.”

Cassie listened carefully, then she heard it, “Thump–thump; thump-thump.” It was fast. Susie had a wide grin when Cassie looked up at her. She longed to feel excitement and happiness, but Cassie could only feel her heart breaking.

“Everything looks just fine, Cassie. We need to do an ultrasound to measure the baby’s growth, okay?” Dr. Logan asked. “Susie, I would like to do the ultrasound personally, so let me know when she is ready, please.”

“Yes, sir.”

Cassie dressed, then made her way to the Ultrasound Room. Dr. Logan entered soon after, and upon his command, Susie rubbed more gooey jelly on Cassie’s belly. Cassie closed her eyes until she heard Susie’s “aaaww.” Then, she couldn’t resist a glance. There the little baby was, just about the size of a peanut. Dr. Logan pointed out the little heart beating. A baby. Blake’s baby is growing inside her. And he would never know.

“Well, Little Miss Cassie,” Dr. Logan said as he took her hand and helped her into a sitting position. “According to our calculations, you’re about eight weeks along. Everything looks as normal as can be. I’m going to give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins. Take one a day, and we’ll need to see you back in four weeks. Of course, you have my home number if you need anything before then, okay, hon?”

Dr. Logan looked into Cassie’s eyes. He smoothed back some strands of her hair, and he took his crooked forefinger and lifted Cassie’s chin as he spoke, and Cassie felt he spoke directly to her soul. “Trust in the Lord, Cassie, with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, my dear. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path.”

An errant tear slid down her cheek as she replied, “I must trust Him, Dr. Logan; I have no one else… except you.” Dr. Logan wrapped her in a fatherly embrace.

* * *

Cassie entered the one bedroom apartment and threw her small handbag and college books on the brown plaid loveseat. After grabbing a glass of ice water, she stood before the mirror/key rack hanging between the living room and kitchen. She looked into her own dark brown eyes.

Eight weeks pregnant. We were in Costa Rica eight weeks ago. Our first anniversary. Cassie’s shoulders dropped and her head fell back before she closed her eyes. “Oh, Blake. If only I had known the financial crisis we were in. I’m so sorry,” she said aloud. “We didn’t have to go to Costa Rica, Blake. I know it was our dream to return to our honeymoon spot, but we didn’t have to go! Why didn’t I ever ask you about money and stuff? I never gave it a second thought. If only I had, Blake. I could have quit school and gotten a full-time job. Oh, Blake, if only I had known.”

She went back to the bedroom where the bed was nicely made, and everything was in its place. Lifting Blake’s picture from the dresser, she stared at his smiling face. His smile seemed forced and it certainly didn’t reach his eyes. Now she could see the pain in his heart by looking into his eyes.

Why couldn’t I see it before, Blake?

Cassie rented the apartment with its sparse furnishings, so she had barely anything to call her own. The house she and Blake shared had been repossessed along with the car and most of the furniture. As far as an emergency fund, Cassie had the small trust fund her dad left her. She was able to buy a small used car and a few necessities, but that was it. Her part-time position as a receptionist at the dentist’s office was enough to per her bills right now, but with the baby coming….

Cassie slipped into a pair of sweats and a tee shirt and sat on the couch with her water close by. Running her hand through her hair, she remembered hearing her daddy say, Now, Cassie, you just grab yourself up by the bootstraps and follow God’s leading. He’ll never lead you wrong. Don’t you let the trials of this ole’ world get you down, Muffin. You remember what God’s Word tells us, that His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Cassie leaned over the arm of the couch and got her daddy’s worn Bible from the end table. After looking in the concordance, she found the Scripture, Second Corinthians 12:9. Sure enough, there it was, underlined….

Cassie dropped to her knees. “God, You promised You would never leave me, and when I’m weak, You said You’d be strong. I’m depending on Your grace, Father. Lead me. In Jesus’ name.”

* * *

“I don’t know, Cassie, are you sure?” Lisa raised her voice because of the clamor of college students in the dining area.

“I’ve made up my mind, Lisa.” Cassie took another bite of her grilled chicken sandwich. “You can’t change it.”

“But, Cassie, you’d make –“

“Come on, Lisa. I’m almost halfway through dentistry school, I hardly have enough money to support myself, and the baby will have no father. This couple has been trying to have a baby for years. The husband is an established dentist, and they’re Christians. In fact, that’s how I heard about them – from the Christian Dentist’s Newsletter. I read it every month, and this month in the list of prayer needs, there was a request from a couple wanting to adopt a baby. They didn’t list their names or where they live; they simply stated that they want a child, but aren’t able to conceive. I feel like God is leading me in this direction.”

“But, Cassie, don’t you think you’ll regret giving your baby up?”

“Of course, I will. I already have tons of regrets. But I can’t think of myself, I have to think of what’s best for the baby.”

“Well, you know I’ll support you no matter what your decision is,” Lisa replied as they gathered their belongings. They deposited their trash, and headed to their next class together.

* * *

Thirty-year-old Dr. Thomas Jenkins ran into the country-style house almost tearing the screen door off its hinges. “Maggie! Come here!” When he didn’t see her, he shouted for her again, “Maggie!”

“What is it, Thomas?” Maggie, a bit heavyset, ran breathlessly up the basement steps with a partially folded shirt in her hands. “What’s happened?!”

“Look at this letter, Maggie, just look!”

“For heaven’s sake, Thomas, hold the thing still so I can read it.”

“Can you believe it, Maggie, can you believe it?”

“Thomas, honey, now calm down. Give me the letter.” She grabbed his wrist, and took the letter from him. He began whooping and jumping up and down. Maggie, with lowered brows, chuckled as she watched him, and then began reading the letter.

“…a baby… from Georgia… due in about seven months… interested…”

“THOMAS! A baby?” The shirt she was holding fell to the floor; she threw her arms around his neck, and Thomas swung Maggie around and around. “A baby, Thomas!”

Tears streamed down Maggie’s cheeks, and Thomas grinned from ear to ear. “Maggie, we must give thanks to the Father for this blessing.” They fell to their knees right there in the dining room and both of them lifted their hands in praise thanking Him for this new life….

The following morning Thomas called the adoption agency to let them know they were definitely interested. Since their approval over a year ago, they had been eagerly awaiting a baby. The social worker informed them the mother did not want to meet them; she wanted to remain anonymous. Nevertheless, she wanted to be sure that the child grew up in a Christian home with solid Christian values.

“Why does she want to give the baby up?” Thomas asked.

“Her husband committed suicide just six weeks ago, and she is eight weeks pregnant. She feels the baby would be a constant reminder of the horrible circumstances surrounding this season of her life. She wants the baby to have a father and a stable home environment, things she is unable to provide right now. She is twenty-two, healthy, and strong, and the baby seems to be as well.”

After the call ended, Thomas told Maggie of the mother’s circumstances. Maggie committed to lifting this brokenhearted woman up in prayer.

Thomas and Maggie began shopping for their new arrival the following weekend. Lugging in the crib, a high chair, changing table and bags of knickknacks, and a balloon wall hanging made their hearts soar. The pickup truck had been loaded to the brim. The baby’s walker had plastic toys attached to springs that bounced along the edge of the tray. Driving down the highway, they saw several people pointing and laughing at the bouncing toys protruding above the cab of the truck.

Their Tennessee home rested in the mountains with large trees in the yard. The couple had spent the entire month working together in their spare time painting the nursery a beautiful mint green with bright yellow ducks stenciled along the middle of the wall. They put the crib and other pieces of furniture together and had the nursery looking adorable.

One Saturday afternoon, they sat together on the back deck enjoying a glass of iced tea. “Maggie, we need to put a tire swing in that big oak tree right there.”

“My goodness, Thomas, the baby won’t be big enough for a tire swing for a couple of years.”

“Well, I just want everything ready so I can spend my time with the little squirt instead of working all the time.”

Maggie’s eyes sparkled. “Can you really believe it, Thomas? What if she changes her mind? What on earth would we do?” Maggie’s eyes clouded over as she looked over at her husband, “Oh, Thomas, I love that little baby already, don’t you?”

Thomas wrapped his strong hand around Maggie’s. “I sure do. I just didn’t realize I could love someone I’ve never even seen or known, but with just a letter, hope swelled up within me, and love like I’ve never known flooded my heart.”

* * *

The rays of sun gleamed through the hospital window. Lisa’s voice was steady and calm, “Come on, Cassie, you can do it, one more push!”

“I’m too tired… I can’t!” Cassie said breathlessly.

“You’ve got to try, sweetie,” the obstetrics nurse coaxed as she rubbed Cassie’s back. “Come on, now, chin to your chest and push.”

“You’re doing great, Cass, now just one more push,” Dr. Logan said. “Good girl! Good girl!”

Cassie pushed as hard as she could, then all the sudden - relief!

Shouts of joy filled the room.

“It’s a girl, Cassie, a healthy baby girl.” Dr. Logan’s eyes filled with tears as he laid the newborn on Cassie’s belly.

Cassie didn’t know what to say, emotions she had never known flowed through her. She slowly reached out her hand to touch the baby’s little head. Oh, how she wished she had a home to offer this little angel.

The social worker brought the stack of papers in for Cassie to sign her baby away. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. How she longed to be able to raise that beautiful little girl. She knew God was leading her in this painful direction… but why?

She packed her few items preparing for her discharge, tears rolling off her cheeks. She never dreamed it would be so hard knowing she wouldn’t see her baby again…ever. She would never know even where her baby lived. What if that Christian couple lived all the way across the country? What if they lived just across town?

Finally, she had to drop to her knees and for the first time she felt she truly understood the Scripture in Romans chapter 8 that said, “The Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” She couldn’t form words, only groanings of sorrow from a broken heart.

Leaving the hospital without her baby was harder than the loss of her husband and parents. Feelings of guilt, depression, desertion, and grief consumed her. Lisa drove her home in silence. Cassie couldn’t speak, but somehow deep in her soul, God again confirmed her decision… but why?




HEY! and don't forget to e-mail Jan Madden if you have a comment!


janandmark@frontiernet.net




HEY! and don't forget to e-mail Jan Madden if you have a comment!


janandmark@frontiernet.net




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