1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease,
it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Do not buy food at the movie store.
6. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
is plural possessive.
7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern
accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
8. People walk slower here.
9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck"
or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced
dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
12. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who
do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern
license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was
purchased.
16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it
is just something you're supposed to do.
19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is
logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the
trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville).
There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive
on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed
and lane position for the vehicle.
23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to
find it yourself.
Ways things would be different if Microsoft
was headquartered in South Georgia
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders;
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle;
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag;
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw";
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos;
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse;
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!";
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart;
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt";
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++";
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag;
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word;
13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers;
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!";
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz";
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am;
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse;
18. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver;
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire;
20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard;
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator;
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates;
23. Redman plug'n'play interface;
24. They could still use Ky-row as code name for next upgrade, but Albenny would be the one after that;
25. Screen saver would be a kudzu vine which would consume your program manager;
26. Instructions for use would include "mash the control key.";
27. The HQ building will be a double wide on cinder blocks, because MICROSOFT is hyear to stay.
