================================================================== ----- JOB DESCRIPTIONS IN HELP WANTED ADS ----- ================================================================== YOUTHFUL WORK ENVIRONMENT: chewing gum is "on the house" STABLE WORK ENVIRONMENT: Nobody's been promoted for years FLEXIBLE HOURS: get here by eight and you can go home anytime after six EXEMPT POSITION: you don't get paid for overtime; no bonus plan either SALARY COMMENSURATE WITH EXPERIENCE: unless you have too much experience TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY: it's a one person department, and you're it TAKE-CHARGE PERSON: if anything goes wrong, it's your fault SUBURBAN, CAMPUSLIKE SETTING: seven miles to the nearest McDonald's MIDTOWN LOCATION: hard to drive to, no place to park DOWNTOWN LOCATION: wear your flak jacket to karate lessons at lunch IMMEDIATE OPENING: the deadbeat you'll replace has already been fired OPPORTUNITY TO ADVANCE: your new boss will be the next one to go LINE POSITION: your butt is on it REQUIRES GOOD WORK HABITS: have you ever had an original thought? PART TIME: eight hours a day, no benefits FULL TIME: 24 hours a day SOME EVENING WORK REQUIRED: graveyard shift FAST-PACED: temporarily understaffed GROWTH COMPANY: perpetually understaffed FAST-TRACK POSITION: watch your back RAPIDLY EXPANDING: everyone is too new to know what they're doing CREATIVE: make it up as you go along AMBITIOUS: help push your new boss up the ladder SOME TRAVEL REQUIRED: do you own stock in an airline ? 40% TRAVEL: "Mommy, who is that ?" INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL: can you say "diarrhea" in nine languages ? ENTRY LEVEL: it'll be good experience, kid QUALIFIED CANDIDATES ONLY: if you understand the acronyms in the ad, call EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: ever held a job ? DEGREE REQUIRED: how long will you wait to be rewarded for your efforts ? SEND SALARY HISTORY: how cheap will you work ? EXISTING OPPORTUNITY: how's your blood pressure ? HIGH VISIBILITY POSITION: "S C A P E G O A T" LEADERSHIP POSITION: drill sergeant MUST BE GOOD WITH PEOPLE: you'll be making telephone solicitations KEYBOARDING SKILLS A PLUS: you'll be a typist EXECUTIVE: you'll be a salesperson SALESMAN: you'll be a salesperson - no leads furnished SALES MANAGER: you'll be a salesperson with a bad territory ULTIMATE OPPORTUNITY: you'll be an all-commission salesperson with a bad territory NO COLD CALLS: you'll be making telephone solicitations MUST BE WELL-ORGANIZED: you'll be working in a three-foot-square cubicle NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS: we're have a paper-recycling drive MAIL APPLICATIONS ONLY, NO PHONE CALLS: are you desperate ? MUST HAVE GOOD TELEPHONE PERSONALITY: star in your own 900 number! RISK/RETURN CONSCIOUS: wimp BOTTOM-LINE CONSCIOUS: cheapskate HANDS-ON MANAGER: you'll be doing the work yourself CLOSE-KNIT TEAM: 12 people, six desks ==================================================================