THE NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
THAT ONLY MAKE YOU SMILE
THE SURVIVOR VIRUS
Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.
THE DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Destroys all the files stored on your Etch-a-Sketch.
THE ELIAN VIRUS
You can't decide what to do with it, until the Janet Reno Virus finally kicks in your door and deletes it.
THE JIMINY CRICKET VIRUS
Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.
THE JENNIFER LOPEZ VIRUS
Adjusts screen so that you see a lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see.
THE MIRCROSOFT VIRUS
Renders your computer virtually useless.
Also known by the name "Windows 98."
THE AL GORE VIRUS
Claims that it *IS* the internet.
THE PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS
Splits otherwise healthy drive into two meaningless parts.
Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.
THE TIGER WOODS VIRUS
Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.
THE WONDERBRA VIRUS
Results in overflow stack.
THE O.J. VIRUS
Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.
THE BRITNEY SPEARS VIRUS
Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.
THE FIRESTONE VIRUS
Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.
THE KURT COBAIN VIRUS
Deletes itself before it has a chance to do anything important.
THE I HATE YOU VIRUS
Emits shrill scream from speakers when you refuse to buy the new computer game that "all the other computers at school already have."
THE JOHN ROCKER VIRUS
Re-categorizes everything on your computer into a few simple folders that it can understand.
THE KURSK VIRUS
Crashes your subroutines, then blocks calls to the Help Desk.
THE GEORGE W. VIRUS
Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing....
THE BOULDER POLICE VIRUS
Can't even *find* your computer.
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